Murray Energy Plans Extermination of Retirees

ST CLAIRSVILLE - Following its acquisition of Consolidation Coal Co. mines last year, Murray Energy announced plans to begin a company-wide purge, executing nearly 1,200 retirees from the mines it purchased last year. Beginning Dec. 31, Murray plans on trapping the retired miners underground and detonating a large canister of mustard gas.

CEO Robert Murray says that the decision to execute the retirees came to him in a dream.

"I was sleeping on my water bed full of molten gold," said Murray. "The dark lord Ha-Satan-Obama appeared to me and convinced me to convert to the worship of R'hllor, the Lord of the Light. Plus, I'm a huge supporter of Mao Zedong and the Chinese Communist Party."

The purge will also let Murray Energy cut back on employee wages by eliminating food allowances.

"Once we kill all of the former CONSOL employees, we will feed their corpses to our own miners," said Murray. "They won't need money to put food on the table anymore, so we can finally cut that out of their salaries."

Murray also warned that if his employees do not convert to his new religion, he will decide their fates for them.

"If they do not give up their false idols, I will bring the fury of the Fire God and burn them at the stake with napalm dropped from my private fighter jets," said Murray. "And I will force their families to feast upon their charred remains."