New Local Cereal Valley-Yum! Reverses Sugar Effects, Calms Children Down

WHEELING - General Mills opened a new cereal plant on Chapline Street in Wheeling last week, creating hundreds of new jobs and producing a delicious new cereal with that home-cooked feel. General manager of the General Mills plant Gen. Douglas Fox, said that the new breakfast treat reverses the "hyper-activity trend" commonly associated with sugary cereal.

"Parents often refrain from buying their kids cereal with artificial flavoring in it because it makes them insufferable little brats," he said. "But Valley-Yum's secret ingredient actually stops kids from acting like wild baboons released from the zoo."

According to studies conducted by Wheeling Jesuit University, Valley-Yum! not only prevents the children becoming hyper-active, it completely stops them from being active at all.

"We took 50 random children and studied their activity levels for two months," said biology professor Leroy Skinner. "Then we measured their activity levels after giving them Valley-Yum! No matter their initial activity levels, they all gave up texting, computer games, Facebook and everything else that normally leads to juvenile delinquency, murder and satan worship."

Skinner noted that the cereal did seem to increase the children's fondness for watching C-SPAN.

"They suddenly enjoyed watching senators discussing foreign policy," he said. "And by golly did they love The Joy of Painting with Bob Ross."

Skinner's team also discovered that the cereal seemed to be an acquired taste.

"Most of the children didn't like it the first time, or the second time for that matter," he said. "But now their parents can barely keep the pantries full! It's all they eat! This will be great for business in our area."