Wellsburg-Brilliant Photon Beam Bridge Set to Open in 2177

WELLSBURG - Ohio Vallians have been whining about not having a bridge between Wellsburg, W.Va. and Brilliant, Ohio for nearly 30 years, and it finally seems that their pleas are being answered. Officials from both states agreed on Monday to begin construction on the bridge in about 150 years.

Wellsburg mayor Sue Simonetti said that the bridge will be a major boost for the town's businesses in the future.

"It would be a major plus for our businesses to have access to consumers in Brilliant," she said. "We want to make sure that our local jobs will be secure someday."

The deal set a maximum budget of 157 trillion dogecoin to build the bridge that will be based on technology that hasn't been invented yet. Simonetti said that she's not quite sure how the bridge will work, but it will probably be convenient and aesthetically pleasing.

"Basically, we imagine that one day scientists will invent a way to condense light," she said. "It will probably be dense enough to drive on. What's even more interesting is that you would probably be able to instantly retract it whenever nobody is driving on it."

Scientists at Belmont Technical College have already began working on developing the new technology, but have expressed doubts on being able to honor the required deadline.

"I'm not sure 163 years is enough time for a project this big," said assistant professor Dan Blotsky. "But our entire staff and all of our engineering students will be hard at work on this for the rest of our lives."

While many people are excited about the bridge's arrival, some people (especially on the West Virginia side) remain opposed.

"That's the last thing we need," said Wellsburg native Ralph Zalenski. "They're going to put this bridge up and make it that much easier for those darned Ohioans to come get our jobs. I say keep them on their side of the river."