Sunday, October 5, 2014

Steubenville Police Getting Bored of Shootings

STEUBENVILLE - In a press conference early Saturday morning, Steubenville police chief Bill McAfferty urged local criminals to be more creative.

"I never thought my life was going to go this way," said McAfferty. "Life's getting boring around Steubenville because there's pretty much just shootings every day."

For motivation, McAfferty pointed criminals toward video games.

"Haven't you guys played Grand Theft Auto V?" he asked. "Go rob a bank! Steal a helicopter! If you want a rival gang member dead, wouldn't the job be much easier with Hellfire missiles?"

McAfferty told reporters that he wants to live out his dream 'cop scenario' before he retires.

"You should go kidnap a small child under the age of 10, and hold her at gunpoint while you rob the bank," he said. "And it would be really cool if you could hide a bomb somewhere in the Martin Luther King Recreation Center as a distraction."

He also hinted that he would not be opposed to a city-wide riot and releasing all the prisoners in the Jefferson County Jail.

"The secret passcode to get access is located in a briefcase hidden in Fort Steuben," he said. "All you have to do is put the code in at the jail and you'll release all the prisoners!"


  1. Are you shitin me

  2. So is this what the police chief of Steubenville has resorted to? Please was out doing the job that they should be doing this kind of stuff wouldn't be happening in Steubenville. Maybe solve some of these murders that is going on in the people that are killing other people maybe the ones responsible so that you can put them in jail. How about playing the game of lists all on solved murders

  3. It`s a fake story... it say`s at the top of the screen "The Ohio Valleys FAKE news source."

  4. Yes, I realize this is satire, however if one of the events you listed should occur.....Well aren't you going to feel like a piece of crap!

  5. We would be angry if that happened! We would track down the person that stole our ideas and sue them!