Murray Energy Plans Extermination of Retirees

ST CLAIRSVILLE - Following its acquisition of Consolidation Coal Co. mines last year, Murray Energy announced plans to begin a company-wide purge, executing nearly 1,200 retirees from the mines it purchased last year. Beginning Dec. 31, Murray plans on trapping the retired miners underground and detonating a large canister of mustard gas.

CEO Robert Murray says that the decision to execute the retirees came to him in a dream.

"I was sleeping on my water bed full of molten gold," said Murray. "The dark lord Ha-Satan-Obama appeared to me and convinced me to convert to the worship of R'hllor, the Lord of the Light. Plus, I'm a huge supporter of Mao Zedong and the Chinese Communist Party."

The purge will also let Murray Energy cut back on employee wages by eliminating food allowances.

"Once we kill all of the former CONSOL employees, we will feed their corpses to our own miners," said Murray. "They won't need money to put food on the table anymore, so we can finally cut that out of their salaries."

Murray also warned that if his employees do not convert to his new religion, he will decide their fates for them.

"If they do not give up their false idols, I will bring the fury of the Fire God and burn them at the stake with napalm dropped from my private fighter jets," said Murray. "And I will force their families to feast upon their charred remains."

New Local Cereal Valley-Yum! Reverses Sugar Effects, Calms Children Down

WHEELING - General Mills opened a new cereal plant on Chapline Street in Wheeling last week, creating hundreds of new jobs and producing a delicious new cereal with that home-cooked feel. General manager of the General Mills plant Gen. Douglas Fox, said that the new breakfast treat reverses the "hyper-activity trend" commonly associated with sugary cereal.

"Parents often refrain from buying their kids cereal with artificial flavoring in it because it makes them insufferable little brats," he said. "But Valley-Yum's secret ingredient actually stops kids from acting like wild baboons released from the zoo."

According to studies conducted by Wheeling Jesuit University, Valley-Yum! not only prevents the children becoming hyper-active, it completely stops them from being active at all.

"We took 50 random children and studied their activity levels for two months," said biology professor Leroy Skinner. "Then we measured their activity levels after giving them Valley-Yum! No matter their initial activity levels, they all gave up texting, computer games, Facebook and everything else that normally leads to juvenile delinquency, murder and satan worship."

Skinner noted that the cereal did seem to increase the children's fondness for watching C-SPAN.

"They suddenly enjoyed watching senators discussing foreign policy," he said. "And by golly did they love The Joy of Painting with Bob Ross."

Skinner's team also discovered that the cereal seemed to be an acquired taste.

"Most of the children didn't like it the first time, or the second time for that matter," he said. "But now their parents can barely keep the pantries full! It's all they eat! This will be great for business in our area."

Ohio Valley Will Have Estonia's Weather This Weekend

Good morning, afternoon, evening or night! We don't have to tell you what the weather's like today because you can just figure it out by going outside! Hooray!

Tomorrow, which is Friday if you forgot what comes after today, there's going to be all sorts of blowing stuff outside. Winds are expected to reach speeds close to 200 mph, so if you like NASCAR (who are we kidding, of course you do) you'll know exactly how fast we're talking about! Roger's Flea Market is expected to be in full swing tomorrow, so if you see stuff flying off of tables hurry up and grab it! It's yours!

Saturday is of course National Estonia Day and the Ohio Valley plans to honor the European country by having whatever weather Estonia does. It's a once in a lifetime opportunity for valley people to experience what life is really like in Europe.

As always, Sunday will be absolutely perfect. Ice Cube's 1993 hit song 'It Was a Good Day' will be played on repeat at full volume outside of the courthouse in Steubenville all day.

Monday will have a song of its own; 'Taps' will play once midnight strikes. You're all going to feel really pessimistic as you return to work and Wheeling officials will be handing out free SSRIs.

Thanks for choosing Storm Stalkers for your weekend weather report! From the area's worst team of meteorologists, we'll see ya next time!

Dasani in Water Lines Gives Local Family $3,200 Water Bill

WHEELING - A mistake at the Wheeling Water Department has left one local man with an astronomical water bill. Wheeling officials noticed that their drinking water started to taste a little "funky" earlier this month, and finally realized that they had been drinking the water from the city's water treatment plant that was meant for disposal. Mayor Andy McKenzie said that the city building's drinking water went to an unintended destination.

"We accidentally sent all of our Dasani water some guy's house," he said. "He's been peeing in Dasani, washing dishes with Dasani and taking his showers in Dasani. It's pretty funny."

Anthony Parsons (pictured) is not too pleased.

"I can't pay $3,200 for a water bill" he said. "I'm not a millionaire."

Mayor McKenzie said that the mistake is technically Parsons' fault.

"He's the one who is a citizen of Wheeling," said McKenzie. "And the citizens of Wheeling elect their own officials and pay the salaries of everyone here. He's technically our boss, so it's his problem not ours."

McKenzie also said that Parsons should have known not to desecrate the city's cherished Dasani supply.

"If he wasn't so stupid, he would have realized that the water he was showering in was too crisp to be city water," he said. "But he crapped in it anyway. It's not the water department's fault that he did that."

Tank Driving Ohio County Woman Wins Medal After Setting DUI Record

OHIO COUNTY, W. Va - Police say that the Ohio Valley has a new heroine this morning after 45-year-old Sharon Arnett (right) broke the world record for drunken driving. Arnett apparently had a blood-alcohol content three times higher than Anakin Skywalker's midi-chlorian count. Sheriff Pat Butler told reporters that it's times like this that make him proud of West Virginia.

"I'm just swelling with pride," he said. "I know it's technically illegal but I'm not exactly one for all that legal mumbo-jumbo. She drove her vehicle better than half my deputies drive their cruisers."

Arnett was pulled over in Triadelphia, driving an M1A2 Abrams main battle tank (example left). Inside were numerous bullet proof vests, rocket launchers and assault rifles. Butler said that, according to the 2nd Amendment, Arnett is allowed to drive a tank on the roads and her concealed-carry license is more than enough documentation for her arsenal.

"My main worry is for public safety," he said. "I hope you don't publish the fact that she has a concealed-carry permit. Someone might try to rob her because of that."

Butler, famous for his "public record is private information" logic, says he will award Arnett with the coveted West Virginia Metal of Valor.

"It takes extreme bravery to drive a tank drunk," he said. "She deserves recognition for that. She is a true West Virginian."

New Research Proves Ohio Valley is Literally the World's Largest 'Friendzone'

PITTSBURGH - Call it bad luck, blame it on the economy or whatever you want. But admit it. Every married couple you know is getting a divorce. All of your single friends are downtrodden by Cupid himself, and you don't believe that there are other fish in the Ohio River. Luckily for you and your anti-depressant bill, really, really smart people at Carnegie Mellon University in Pittsburgh have figured out why.

"There's nothing to do in that dump!" said Dr. Werner Kettering (right). "Married couples are getting bored and there's nowhere to take people out on dates. So, they naturally remain friends."

The research was done by analyzing the Facebook posts and Twitter tweets of an unspecified amount of teenagers whining in the Steubenville and Wheeling metropolitan areas.

"The sheer size of the boring area is what shocked us," said Kettering. "It is literally the largest 'friendzone' in the world. How can there be so many people that can't find anything to do?"

People around the valley shared that sentiment, and most of those who actually had a signifacant other said that they ventured beyond the area to find them.

"I met my dear lovely wife Annabelle when I moved to Brownsville, Tenn. from Steubenville," said Roger Parkinson. "She's just so much more into my tastes than people from the Ohio Valley."

Brownsville is a small town in western Tennessee with a population roughly half of Steubenville's, and somehow the people there are different psychologically.

Critics of the new discovery point out that the Ohio Valley is literally the exact same as 90 percent of everywhere else.

"What, they think that people outside the Ohio Valley are different?" rhetorically asked Matilda Davis of Carlisle, Iowa. "There's drama everywhere you go, and there's nothing to do anywhere if you're a complete idiot."

Michael Bay Directs Mock Accident at Weir High

WEIRTON - In an effort to reduce the risk of students drinking and driving at this year's prom, Weir High decided to step things up a notch. Susan Smith, superintendent for the Hancock County School District, said that standard mock accidents generally don't get the point across to students.

"This year, we concluded that we really needed to traumatize students," she said. "So we hired Hollywood special effects expert and director Michael Bay to coordinate this year's accident."

The mock scene began with a group of friends leaving a house party after prom night. They got in a car while joking that their 'designated drunk driver' was inebriated. Another student jumped in the car with a keg and inserted the tap into the driver's mouth.

"It's a little variant on the keg stand," Bay said. "You get in the car with the keg and then chug while driving. We used to do it all the time in high school."

The car was travelling at speeds over 90 mph, according to Bay. It sped through the high school's parking lot before running over an old woman in a wheelchair.

"And she had this crazy backstory we told the students too," said Bay. "She's just coming out of her nursing home to see the birth of her great-grandson, only she doesn't make it there."

The collision sent the old woman flying from the school all the way into the Ohio River. The car then lost control and slammed into parked cars where it exploded and shot 20 feet into the air.

"It was so awesome," said student president Greene Brian. "There were body parts flying everywhere out of that thing! The wreckage even landed on the principal's car!"

A Life Flight helicopter then attempted a landing, but it was too close to the car when its gas tank exploded, sending the helicopter spiraling out of control until it collided with the school. The helicopter dangled on the edge of the roof, threatening to fall while the crew waited inside helplessly.

"Then we rushed the students over to this little set we built," Bay said. "And there was this guy in there that screamed: 'We have to get them out of there!'"

Smith said that she thinks the program was a success.

"I hope that the students learned something today," she said. "Hopefully this will make them think twice about drinking and driving."

Greene Brian said that he and his friends enjoyed the mock accident.

"Man that was a heck of a show," said Brian. "I wonder if he'll come back for the sequel. Too bad I'm graduating, Homecoming would be the perfect setup."

UFOs Spotted in Steubenville, Mayor Says People Are "Just Seeing Things"

STEUBENVILLE - The Steubenville Police Department released a statement to reporters that is has been flooded with frantic callers around town claiming to see spaceships in the skies. Stewart Dawes of Follansbee sent the image to the right to several media outlets. He claims that the odd figure in the center of the picture is possibly a UFO. Steubenville mayor Domenick Mucci told reporters that people shouldn't give in to sensationalism.

"That's a load of horse sh*t," said Mucci. "The weather service releases weather balloons on the top of the hill and people are always mistaking them for UFOs. It could just be clouds too. Sometimes the sun just shines through the clouds a little differently. The media likes to jump on it for ratings. If you believe this crap, then you're a f**king retard."

The image sent by Dawes was not the only one making rounds on social media. An anonymous reader sent this picture (left) to OVN, claiming that it shows a green alien waving at people in front of Harding Middle School. Some people around town remain skeptical.

"People will believe absolutely anything," said Mankar Camoran, a Steubenville native and author of The Mysterium Xarxes. "That could be anything from a cat, to a rat or a toad. It could also be pareidolia. We shouldn't jump to conclusions."

Camoran points out that another image (right), taken from a slightly different angle, clearly shows that the figure, while still resembling an alien spaceship, is completely different.

"Now when you look at it, it looks like there are much more lights on it," he said. "It's slightly smaller, it's a different color, there are antennae on the top, a 2013 model Zxxstania Industries communications relay and a Jyrstikanium Warp Drive. The last picture didn't show any of that. It's clearly fake."

Mucci took to Twitter to express his disdain for the UFO rumors.