Jill's Gentleman's Club Adds 5,000 Sq. Ft. Kids Corner

TRIADELPHIA - Parents looking to spend a night

out don't have to worry about finding a babysitter for their annoying children any longer. Jill's Gentleman's Club completed construction of a 5,000 sq. ft. addition which will house the new Jill's Kids Corner.

"We're really excited about our new building," said Jill's spokeswoman Candy Bubbles. "We're expecting attendance to skyrocket now that parents can take their kids with them to the strip club."

The new building will host a variety of activities for children, including an arcade where tickets won at games can be traded in for prizes. 

"We're giving the kids a chance to win Jill's related merchandise," said Bubbles. "Oh nothing to inappropriate!" she added quickly. "Just some things they can play with to keep themselves busy."

Prizes that are being offered for the tickets include pairs of fuzzy handcuffs, video cameras, and inflatable dolls of their favorite pop stars.

"We have all sorts of other activities lined up too," Bubbles told us. "We have many different educational classes that we're sure kids will love."

Many of the kids selected for the trial run seemed to enjoy the classes at the Kid's Corner, which are taught by the club's exotic dancers.

"I really liked Ms. Kitty!" said 8-year old Madelyn Connors. "She told us all about how how she started working on the streets in Wheeling to help her family!"

Classes are usually about 45 minutes long. We sat in on a class called "The Art of Twerking", which featured a video of pop idol Miley Cyrus. Local parents said they were very enthusiastic about the club's decision to expand.

"It's about damn time," said Rufus Stillman of Beech Bottom. "I'm a single dad, and I don't have enough money to keep paying that idiot babysitter. Now I have enough to get drunk, get my lap dances, and have my little Kaylee somewhere where she's safe."

Kaylee, 14, said that her relationship with her father improved dramatically after he started taking her to Jill's.

"He used to get on me all the time and act like he was the boss of me," she said. "But now we hang out  together and I know what I want to do for the rest of my life."

Axl Rose Assures Interviewer that "Paradise City" is about Bloomingdale

NEW YORK CITY - In a recent interview with Rolling Stone magazine, rock star Axl Rose claimed that his 1988 hit song Paradise City is actually about Bloomingdale, Ohio. Rose told Rolling Stone writer Andy Greene that he and Slash were big fans of the small town along U.S. Route 22.

"Slash and I were kicking it in the back of the van when he started humming the tune," said Rose. "And I just started singing the words. It all just came naturally."

Rose says that the original lyrics to the song were drastically changed in the final product. He blames the record label for attempting to make the song more marketable.

"It originally went: 'Take me down to the paradise city where the girls are fat and they have big titties," he continued. "The label didn't think that mainstream culture would like that too much."

WTRF's News 7 Switches to Animation

WHEELING - Channel 7 has lived in the shadow of the more colorful, raunchier News 9 for many years, but station manager George Green vows to change that. On the station's 6 o'clock program, anchor Nate Fluharty announced Green's plan to make the switch to animated news.

"Starting in two months," Fluharty said. "7 News will be presented to you in the form of a cartoon featuring the cast of Comedy Central's Brickleberry. Our current staff of reporters and anchors will voice these characters."

The reaction was almost instant. People across the valley who could figure out social media vowed to make the change from WTOV to WTRF.

"I'l[l] acshully b[e] abel to pay attenshin too the news! [sic]" said 20 year-old Bryce Hall in a Facebook post. "It['s] ushully so boring. [sic]"

Laurie Conway, Jamie Ward, and Rachael Dierkes will take turns providing the voice for Ethel Anderson (blonde woman in picture), who will be the anchor for all hours that the news program airs. Ethel will be joined by Steve Williams (far left), who will be voiced by Nate Fluharty. Woody Johnson (center) will provide weather and features the harmonized voices of Dr. Dave Walker and Brian Davis. Denzel Jackson (the black one) will cover sports. Scott Nolte and Mike Anthony will provide his voice. Sara Yingling and Kelsey Kennedy will do the voice for Connie Cunaman (woman on right), and D.K. Wright will voice the grizzly bear cub named Malloy.

Jeff Oechslein Wins 'Jeff Oechslein Look-Alike Contest'

STEUBENVILLE - Jeff Oechslein won a record tenth straight 'Jeff Oechslein Look-Alike Contest' yesterday, making him the winner every year since the contest began in 2003. The meteorologist from WTOV 9 said that he never anticipated this kind of success.

"This all just feels like a dream," said Oechslein. "I mean, the camera adds a few pounds and that had me really worried this year."

The contest was held at Steubenville Big Red High School as part of the annual 'Rigatoni for Rwanda' event. Over fifteen people entered the contest, including one from every racial minority. Pedro Gonzalez won the coveted 'I Look Like a Mexican Jeff Oechslein' award.

"There's a lot of different minorities we could give an award for," said event organizer Douglas Brown. "But just imagine a Mexican Jeff Oechslein telling you about the weather in the Ohio Valley. It would be hilarious!"

Oechslein, however, will move on to the regional semifinals next week.

"I hope I can give a better performance than I did last year," said Oechslein.

At least year's Jeff Oechslein Look-Alike regional semifinals, Oechslein showed up hungover after a night of partying in downtown Cincinnati. Paparazzi took videos of the meteorologist standing on a table in a bar pretending to be a preacher. The videos showed him rambling on about stratus clouds for nearly three straight hours. Judges told the media that Oechslein "wasn't looking like himself". Oechslein finished a disappointing third.

"Of course, the big goal this year is to knock off that rascal Anderson Cooper," Oechslein said. "That's the final challenge."

Cooper won the national award last year, replacing defending champion Al Roker. Oechslein has won the national prize six times.

Edison Local Replaces Buses with Bicycles

RICHMOND - In an effort to cut costs and reduce emissions, Edison Local School District is discontinuing its school bus program. Instead, students will be provided with school-owned bicycles. Superintendent Dave Quattrochi told us that he thinks the new program will have multiple benefits for the school, and for the students.

"We are actually able to lay off more bus drivers than we originally planned to," said Quattrochi. "Another person we were able to fire was our gym teacher because our students are getting proper exercise before and after school. It really frees up our budget for more important things."

The $975,000 increase in the district's budget means that the school board will finally be able to move forward with the long delayed action of giving themselves a raise.

"My daughter's sweet sixteen birthday party is next month," said board member Kathy Clark. "I'm just super excited that we'll be able to throw her a birthday party in the Bahamas with all her friends."

Tensions between the board and some of the fired bus drivers came to a breaking point after driver Dave McCormack lashed out on Twitter.

"My son's thirteenth birthday party is in two weeks," he tweeted. "All I can afford to get him is a toy truck from Goodwill. #stupidbitch"

Clark is now filing a lawsuit against Mr. McCormack for sexism.

Parents, however, are reportedly very happy about the school's new plan.

"Now I don't have to worry if that stupid kid caught the bus or not," said Irondale resident Glen Mustaine. "If she wakes up late, then it's her own damn fault. She can take herself to school."

The fourteen mile bike ride to Richmond takes his daughter Hannah roughly three and a half to four hours to complete. Hannah said that usually wakes up at about 3 A.M. and leaves a half hour later.

"And the ride back usually takes her longer, so she gets home at about 7," her father said. "She has to get right to bed when she comes home though. That way she gets her full eight hours of sleep for the next school day."

New Local Company Offers Bottled River Water

MARTINS FERRY - A new company has opened up on the banks of the Ohio River, bringing some much needed jobs to the area. Ohio River Water (right) will hit store shelves this Friday, offering valley residents the chance to taste the very water from which their area gets its name. We listened in as the company held a press conference this morning.

"We here at Ohio River Water are very proud to bring you this product," said company spokesperson Lester Yates. "Ohio River Water is bottled right here in Martins Ferry, without the needless filtering or distillation that leading corporate brands go through!"

Yates said that without the filtering, the water will have a distinct flavor that can only be found in the Ohio Valley.

"The great Ohio River makes its way into our valley flowing from Pittsburgh," Yates continued. "It flows into Weirton carrying all of the minerals from the steel mills. From there it moves on, collecting waste water from the mills in Steubenville as well as the coke plant in Follansbee. Then it arrives in Brilliant where it mixes with whatever that stuff is that comes from the Cardinal plant. After that, it makes its way past Rayland, where coal is spilled into it from the other side of the river. Finally, it goes through the dam in Yorkville, collecting a bunch of things that get stuck in there. We're bringing you refreshment you won't find anywhere else!"

It should also be noted that Cross Creek runs into the river as well, which of course carries the run-off water containing the Satralloy plant (left) flavor as well. Most valley residents live near a creek that empties into the Ohio River, so nobody north of Martins Ferry should be left out. Test groups sampled the water last month, where a select few had the chance to try the new beverage before it hit the market.

"It was unlike anything I've ever put in my mouth," said Wendy Dahmer, a prostitute from Wheeling. "I can't believe nobody's thought of this before."

"It goes through your digestive system immediately," said Paula Bundy, a stay-at-home mom. "Being a soccer mom means I don't have much time to take bathroom breaks, so it's nice to be able to know exactly when I need to make a pit stop."

Yates said that he expects the new water to be a massive success.

"It is delicious," he said as he removed a plastic wrapper from his mouth. "And it's not like it even costs us a lot to produce. We don't filter it and we don't even have to buy the plastic bottles! There's enough floating around in the river already so we just use those!"

Ohio River Water will be sold at most major gas stations and retailers, and will be set up on display at the front of many stores for the next two weeks.

OVN Local Medley Issue #3

• Road crews are cleaning up on Route 2 in Brooke County after a Water Transport truck spilled water all over the road.

• Sistersville Mayor Dave Fox is resigning from office, saying he can't deal with the boredom any longer.

• Hopedale Elementary school was evacuated today after a bomb threat written in crayon was found in a restroom.

• An illegal dump site is still being cleaned up in Dillonvale. However, authorities can not seem to stop people from returning to the site to defecate.

• A new study done in Jefferson County shows that children don't like being screamed at after all.

• Joseph Yurigan, operator of the Weirton Chiropractic Center and the Wheeling Spine Center, was sentenced to two years in prison for practicing chiropractic therapy on unsuspecting pedestrians.

• 16 Jalontay Johnson will be tried as an adult after he accidentally stabbed his friend 25 times in a game of 'Pin the Tail on the Donkey' gone wrong.

• A Tyler County man is being accused of chasing his family around the house with a can of Axe deodorant. His wife and children say their right to smell bad was infringed.

• Liverpool Township was awarded a $30,000 grant to repair John Campbell Road. The road has been impassable for 5 years, leaving at least eight families completely cut off from the outside world. Trustee Karl Kontnier says the rest of Columbiana County is welcome to gamble on whether or not the people are even still alive.

• Wellsville fire chief Bill Smith's certification has come into question after his questionable firefighting techniques became public. A viral video shows Smith attempting to put out a house fire by peeing on it.

• New data shows that West Virginia schools are successfully failing math and science classes as planned. Child support and  home brewing scores are at an all-time high.

Creepy Steubenville Man Opens Free Candy Store Inside House

STEUBENVILLE - Some people call it a recession, but that's not stopping 47 year-old Owen Schottenheimer (right) from fulfilling his lifelong dream of opening his own candy shop. Schottenheimer has lived on Steubenville's Sunset Blvd. for his entire life, and is committed to giving back to his community.

"I'm hoping that our location will be perfect for, uh, business," said Schottenheimer. "I set this up so kids could stop here for some free candy on their commute to school."

The candy shop will be located inside Schottenheimer's house, which is just under a half mile from Catholic Central High School.

"It's a bit of good luck for me," said Shottenheimer as he laughed and sipped a steaming cup of simple syrup. "Technically I'm not allowed to live within two thousand feet of the school."

The store, aptly named Free Candy, will open its doors this Friday. According to a list of rules posted on Schottenheimer's door, children may not bring their parents inside.

"I don't want the parents of these children to tell them they can't have any of my sweets," Schottenheimer told us. "It would just break their little hearts."

Mr. Schottenheimer said that he couldn't show us his candy selection until the store opens because he didn't want to ruin the surprise. He did give us a bit of a hint, however.

"Lollipops," he said, blushing. "Nice, tasty, sensational, delectable, delicious, savory lollipops."

Buckeye Local Enrolls 435 Pound Silverback Gorilla

RAYLAND - Residents of southern Jefferson county are buzzing with excitement after hearing that the Buckeye Local Panthers will be adding a new foreign exchange student from the Democratic Republic of the Congo named 'Spanky' (right) to their football team. The Panthers have been scrambling to find a spark in their offense after losing their first two games by a combined score of 85-6. Head Coach Phil Pest told Ohio Valley News that he thinks the transition will be seamless.

"We don't really have that much of a complicated playbook," said Pest. "It won't be hard for him to learn it by this weekend."

Pest also said that his sideline ques should resemble what Spanky is used to communicating with in the wild.

"We utilize a system of hand signals that he should recognize," said Pest as he demonstrated beating on his chest with his fists.

Spanky is currently expected to play running back in the Panthers' upcoming game at John Marshall. However, some parents are worried about their children's safety after the gorilla sent sophomore wide receiver Tyler Pruitt to the hospital.

"We've been practicing some run plays by giving Spanky the ball and having a teammate lead him to the end zone with a banana," Pest said. "Unfortunately Spanky gets overzealous sometimes."

The 16 year-old Pruitt is currently in stable condition after being beaten off of the sideline fence and hurled into the grandstands of World War II Memorial Stadium.