New Local Company Offers Bottled River Water

MARTINS FERRY - A new company has opened up on the banks of the Ohio River, bringing some much needed jobs to the area. Ohio River Water (right) will hit store shelves this Friday, offering valley residents the chance to taste the very water from which their area gets its name. We listened in as the company held a press conference this morning.

"We here at Ohio River Water are very proud to bring you this product," said company spokesperson Lester Yates. "Ohio River Water is bottled right here in Martins Ferry, without the needless filtering or distillation that leading corporate brands go through!"

Yates said that without the filtering, the water will have a distinct flavor that can only be found in the Ohio Valley.

"The great Ohio River makes its way into our valley flowing from Pittsburgh," Yates continued. "It flows into Weirton carrying all of the minerals from the steel mills. From there it moves on, collecting waste water from the mills in Steubenville as well as the coke plant in Follansbee. Then it arrives in Brilliant where it mixes with whatever that stuff is that comes from the Cardinal plant. After that, it makes its way past Rayland, where coal is spilled into it from the other side of the river. Finally, it goes through the dam in Yorkville, collecting a bunch of things that get stuck in there. We're bringing you refreshment you won't find anywhere else!"

It should also be noted that Cross Creek runs into the river as well, which of course carries the run-off water containing the Satralloy plant (left) flavor as well. Most valley residents live near a creek that empties into the Ohio River, so nobody north of Martins Ferry should be left out. Test groups sampled the water last month, where a select few had the chance to try the new beverage before it hit the market.

"It was unlike anything I've ever put in my mouth," said Wendy Dahmer, a prostitute from Wheeling. "I can't believe nobody's thought of this before."

"It goes through your digestive system immediately," said Paula Bundy, a stay-at-home mom. "Being a soccer mom means I don't have much time to take bathroom breaks, so it's nice to be able to know exactly when I need to make a pit stop."

Yates said that he expects the new water to be a massive success.

"It is delicious," he said as he removed a plastic wrapper from his mouth. "And it's not like it even costs us a lot to produce. We don't filter it and we don't even have to buy the plastic bottles! There's enough floating around in the river already so we just use those!"

Ohio River Water will be sold at most major gas stations and retailers, and will be set up on display at the front of many stores for the next two weeks.

OVN Local Medley Issue #3

• Road crews are cleaning up on Route 2 in Brooke County after a Water Transport truck spilled water all over the road.

• Sistersville Mayor Dave Fox is resigning from office, saying he can't deal with the boredom any longer.

• Hopedale Elementary school was evacuated today after a bomb threat written in crayon was found in a restroom.

• An illegal dump site is still being cleaned up in Dillonvale. However, authorities can not seem to stop people from returning to the site to defecate.

• A new study done in Jefferson County shows that children don't like being screamed at after all.

• Joseph Yurigan, operator of the Weirton Chiropractic Center and the Wheeling Spine Center, was sentenced to two years in prison for practicing chiropractic therapy on unsuspecting pedestrians.

• 16 Jalontay Johnson will be tried as an adult after he accidentally stabbed his friend 25 times in a game of 'Pin the Tail on the Donkey' gone wrong.

• A Tyler County man is being accused of chasing his family around the house with a can of Axe deodorant. His wife and children say their right to smell bad was infringed.

• Liverpool Township was awarded a $30,000 grant to repair John Campbell Road. The road has been impassable for 5 years, leaving at least eight families completely cut off from the outside world. Trustee Karl Kontnier says the rest of Columbiana County is welcome to gamble on whether or not the people are even still alive.

• Wellsville fire chief Bill Smith's certification has come into question after his questionable firefighting techniques became public. A viral video shows Smith attempting to put out a house fire by peeing on it.

• New data shows that West Virginia schools are successfully failing math and science classes as planned. Child support and  home brewing scores are at an all-time high.

Creepy Steubenville Man Opens Free Candy Store Inside House

STEUBENVILLE - Some people call it a recession, but that's not stopping 47 year-old Owen Schottenheimer (right) from fulfilling his lifelong dream of opening his own candy shop. Schottenheimer has lived on Steubenville's Sunset Blvd. for his entire life, and is committed to giving back to his community.

"I'm hoping that our location will be perfect for, uh, business," said Schottenheimer. "I set this up so kids could stop here for some free candy on their commute to school."

The candy shop will be located inside Schottenheimer's house, which is just under a half mile from Catholic Central High School.

"It's a bit of good luck for me," said Shottenheimer as he laughed and sipped a steaming cup of simple syrup. "Technically I'm not allowed to live within two thousand feet of the school."

The store, aptly named Free Candy, will open its doors this Friday. According to a list of rules posted on Schottenheimer's door, children may not bring their parents inside.

"I don't want the parents of these children to tell them they can't have any of my sweets," Schottenheimer told us. "It would just break their little hearts."

Mr. Schottenheimer said that he couldn't show us his candy selection until the store opens because he didn't want to ruin the surprise. He did give us a bit of a hint, however.

"Lollipops," he said, blushing. "Nice, tasty, sensational, delectable, delicious, savory lollipops."

Buckeye Local Enrolls 435 Pound Silverback Gorilla

RAYLAND - Residents of southern Jefferson county are buzzing with excitement after hearing that the Buckeye Local Panthers will be adding a new foreign exchange student from the Democratic Republic of the Congo named 'Spanky' (right) to their football team. The Panthers have been scrambling to find a spark in their offense after losing their first two games by a combined score of 85-6. Head Coach Phil Pest told Ohio Valley News that he thinks the transition will be seamless.

"We don't really have that much of a complicated playbook," said Pest. "It won't be hard for him to learn it by this weekend."

Pest also said that his sideline ques should resemble what Spanky is used to communicating with in the wild.

"We utilize a system of hand signals that he should recognize," said Pest as he demonstrated beating on his chest with his fists.

Spanky is currently expected to play running back in the Panthers' upcoming game at John Marshall. However, some parents are worried about their children's safety after the gorilla sent sophomore wide receiver Tyler Pruitt to the hospital.

"We've been practicing some run plays by giving Spanky the ball and having a teammate lead him to the end zone with a banana," Pest said. "Unfortunately Spanky gets overzealous sometimes."

The 16 year-old Pruitt is currently in stable condition after being beaten off of the sideline fence and hurled into the grandstands of World War II Memorial Stadium.

Local Baby Vows to Give All Birthday Presents to Charity

ST. CLAIRSVILLE - Gordon Hewitt and his wife Lynda sure were surprised when they heard their son David say that he would like to give up his birthday presents, especially because the presents were for his very first birthday.

"I was shocked," said Gordon. "But then again he always has been the most caring little guy I've ever known."

David told his parents that he would like to give the presents to the American Red Cross and donate his birthday money to the Martins Ferry Presbyterian Church.

"I was a little sad to see him get rid of the new baseball and glove we got him," the boy's father said. "We were gonna go outside today and toss the ball around but I guess that will have to wait until next year."

His mother Lynda was still crying hysterically from being proud when we arrived for an interview, so we weren't able to get any decipherable statements from her. The family's relatives told us that they were a little skeptical of the claims made the Hewitts.

"I haven't even heard the kid talk yet," said Poderick Payne, the boy's grandfather. "I bought him a sawed-off shotgun so I could teach him how to hunt, not so he could give it away to some stupid dirtball kid."

The boy received an honorary citizens award from the St. Clairsville city council, but the boy gave that away to helpless children who didn't have the means to help other children.

WTOV9 Nominated for Lamest News Pulitzer

STEUBENVILLE - News 9 has been nominated for the Pulitzer Prize once again for 'Lamest News Coverage'. The announcement came at about 4:00 ET for their coverage of a coyote running around in Steubenville (right). Residents commented that they weren't all that surprised to see a fairly common animal in a town like Steubenville.

"It really wasn't doing anything," said some guy we talked to. "It just sat there letting this dog bark at it. I hoped to see more action."

According to those in charge of handing out the Pulitzer, News 9 wasted valuable resources in order to cover the story. They also obstructed officials from the Ohio Division of Wildlife when they told them not to remove the animal until they got there "so they could watch." Reporter Aly Cohen told OVN that she feels like her skills would be better utilized elsewhere.

"I work too hard to waste my time covering the things WTOV considers newsworthy," said Cohen. "Last week they told me to sit down by the river and wait for this guy to catch a fish so I could interview him about it."
The Pulitzer Prize people say that the story reminded them of last year's winner, a Japanese news station's coverage of a giant lizard running amok in Tokyo. Columbia University professors (the people who do the Pulitzer thing we've been talking about) say that story won last year because they couldn't understand what the Japanese news anchors were trying to say, and that salamanders being spotted in cities is a pretty common thing.

"We're having a yard sale over on North Fourth street," said a woman in Steubenville when we asked her about the announcement.

Animal Rights Groups Make Big Deal About Oglebay Letting Kids Slaughter Zoo Animals

WHEELING - The Good Zoo at Oglebay recently came under scrutiny from PETA, the ALF, liberals and other animal rights groups after the zoo announced plans for its newest exhibit. On Monday a spokesperson for Oglebay Resort told reporters that starting this summer, families will have the option to buy a pass that lets them eat any animal in the zoo. Tickets start at $150 each and were available to pre-order following the announcement. Sales set a new record previously held by Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part II. Still, despite the enthusiasm shown locally, criticism quickly sprang up from around the nation. PETA president Ingrid Newkirk is traveling to Charleston to petition the state to put a stop to what Oglebay is dubbing the 'Animal BBQ' experience. This will be Newkirk's 47th visit to the West Virginia state capital this year alone.

"This is an outrage to animal lovers everywhere," said Newkirk. "This zoo is teaching our children how to lie and deceive animals into subjecting themselves to the dinner table."

The process of lying and deceiving that Ms. Newkirk refers to is part of the zoo's already existing 'Animal Encounters' package, where children can enter the exhibits and help the zookeepers train and feed the animals.

"We decided to include the 'Animal Encounters' package with the 'Animal BBQ' package for various reasons," said Clyde Donovan, a zoo manager. "The biggest reason we wanted to do this was to develop a relationship between the guest and the animal before the slaughtering. This helps the animal trust the guest, which is especially useful if you purchase the deluxe package."

The deluxe version of the 'Animal BBQ' package, priced at $175, lets visitors kill the zoo animal themselves by using a meat cleaver. For an additional $10 on top of the deluxe package, you have the option of choosing how you end the animal's life; using a shotgun, katana, lethal injection and running the animal over with a Jeep are just a few of the options available.

"For children under twelve it's required that they use a .22 caliber rifle," said Donovan. "They won't be strong enough to kill the animal swiftly otherwise and the shotgun might kick a little too hard for them."

Donovan says that families who purchase the package will be able to witness the entire process, from skinning to butchering then cooking.

"We wanted our guests to get the full experience," Donovan said proudly. "They'll be able to enjoy the freshest meat they will ever taste, as well as getting the opportunity to chow down on some animals that might not be around much longer."

Also announced on Monday was the zoo's decision to add many new exhibits of endangered species such as the Siberian Tiger, which brings speculation that the new animals will also be available to slaughter and consume. However, Donovan and Oglebay refused to elaborate any further.

"You'll just have to buy your tickets and see," said Donovan with a wink.

OVN Local Medley Issue #2

• Authorities in Bellaire say that Misty Rivero may have just saved an elementary school from tragedy. Rivero says that when she was dropping off her daughter, she noticed a Muslim man walking down the street. Rivero quickly called police and the man was arrested.

• The Boy Scouts of America hosted their annual Pinewood Derby at the Fort Steuben Mall last Saturday. 9 time winner Eagle Scout Dennis Douglas is now under investigation for using performance enhancing drugs.

• A homicide investigation has been opened in Tuscarawas County after police found a man's body in Conotton Creek. No hard evidence has been recovered yet but police did bring in a 25 pound carp for questioning.

• Wheeling Jesuit University hosted their annual prom dress re-sale event last week. As usual, none of the dresses sold due to the dresses being "so last season."

• Jefferson County commissioners voted this week to buy the downtown Steubenville Towers Building. The purchase was made on ebay for $750,000 plus $36 million for shipping and handling.

• Thomas Gyorko of Glen Dale is behind bars after he got into a fight with a woman over her cell phone. Police say that Gyorko used the phone's battery to bludgeon the woman over the head. Gyorko is being charged with 'assault with a battery'.

• Volunteers in Wheeling organized an event to give out free portraits in Wheeling to 'Share the Love'. Kindergartners from Wheeling Central captured moments for families who could not afford prints.

• Firefighters in St. Clairsville responded to a distress call on Bret Mar Lane on Monday. Authorities say that the firefighters bravely rescued a cat from a 45 feet tall pine tree.

• A Belmont County man is behind bars after being accused of soliciting sex acts from animals. Christopher Harding of Shadyside has been charged with gross and nasty sexual imposition after trying to get a cow to mate with cat.

• The Belmont County sheriff's department is investigating a case in Barnesville after a woman saw a man fleeing her home with her pet goldfish. The woman is offering a reward for any info.

• Weirton police need your help tracking down two men from a surveillance video at Holiday Lanes. The video was from a hidden camera in the bathroom showing the two drunken men stumbling around and peeing on the floor. Police submitted the video to America's Funniest Home Videos where it won first prize. The officers say they want to share the purse with the subjects in the video.

• The Small Business Development Center of Ohio and the Jefferson County Chamber of Commerce jointly held a seminar for local small business to help them better understand new tax laws and regulations. Organizers decided to 'spice things up' and fill the seminar with raunchy sexual innuendo to keep attendees from falling asleep or dying from boredom.

• Desare Bryant, 20, of Wheeling admitted in court to breaking into his own house and stealing various belongings. Bryant has been sentenced to prison for 3 to 45 years.

• The Wheeling-Ohio County Health Department is warning people to be cautious about people going door-to-door selling human meat without a health permit. The Health Department claims that human meat is very fatty and can cause gas when not treated properly.

• Trinity Health System held their annual Heartland event on Thursday at the Fort Steuben Mall. Local residents were encouraged to donate their hearts to people who needed heart transplant surgery.

• Officials in Wellsburg say that there will be a planned water outage on Friday. Residents are being told to use the bathroom in the Ohio River as well as bathe there while they work on the water lines.

• Urichsville police have apprehended 3 people who have reportedly stolen thousands of dollars from Tuscarawas County stores. The 3 are being accused of going store to store taking from the 'Take a Penny, Leave a Penny' dishes.

• Moundsville police are looking for a man who broke into Paree Insurance on Lafayette Avenue. The man broke in and stole the complimentary coffee and Dum-Dums suckers.

• A cement truck overturned on US Route 22 near Wintersville. The cement poured onto the roadway and filled several potholes.

• Crews in Wheeling are working on a building after bricks started falling from it. An emergency demolition has been ordered for the building amid concerns for the safety of the workers in the cocaine ring inside.

Archaeologists Still Determined to Find Dinosaur Fossils Along State Route 7

BRILLIANT - State Route 7 has been reduced to one lane near Brilliant since March of 2011 due to excavation crews working on the hillside. At a recent meeting with the Jefferson County Board of Trustees, researchers from the Smithsonian Institution told frustrated motorists that they would just have to be patient.

"We understand that the project is taking a long time," said Wally Dupree, who is leading the excavation. "But we're out there looking for dinosaur bones, it's not like we can just dig the whole hillside out."

The Smithsonian first arrived in Brilliant two years ago, when a local Boy Scout troop claimed that they discovered an Archaeopteryx fossil. The US government then claimed eminent domain on the hillside and the Smithsonian has been digging ever since.

"We dug up some sandstone on the very first day," Dupree said. "That's a good sign because we've found Spinosaurus and Giraffititan fossils in sandstone before. In fact, we've found sandstone every day since we first began; we have to be getting close."

Local residents have started to express doubt that the researchers will ever find the fossils.

"Them guys up there are just using toothbrushes and little garden shovels and some of them chisel things [sic]," said Rush Run resident Marlon Higgins.

"What the indigenous Valley people don't realize is that we need to be careful," Dupree said in response to the criticism. "We can't risk accidentally breaking one of the fossils."

The dig also came under fire late last year when the supposed Archaeopteryx fossil was discovered to actually be fossilized chicken remains. The Smithsonian still retains that the fossil is in fact an Archaeoptryx specimen after storing in a safety deposit box.

"The government's been covering up stuff like this for years," said Higgins. "They're lying to us so they can charge us more taxes to fund their stupid little dig."

Route 7 is scheduled to reopen to two full lanes in November of this year.

Tim Tebow Traded to St. John Central

BELLAIRE - Call the luck of the Irish if you will, but you cannot deny the negotiating genius of second year head coach Jason Merryman of Bellaire's St. John Central football team. On Saturday, the Irish concluded talks with the New York Jets to trade field goal holder Robbie Dunleavy for quarterback Tim Tebow. Tebow is coming off a terrific year warming the bench for Mark Sanchez and Greg McIlroy, a role he hopes he can perform better at St. John's. Tebow also believes that St. John's will be able to better utilize his Christianity abilities as well, something he struggled with in New York.

"I'm really excited for the opportunity to play for the Irish," said an overjoyed Tebow at yesterday's press conference. "St. John's has its own on-site church, which to me is more important than any other factor right now."

On the other side of the deal sits Dunleavy, who did not show much enthusiasm in playing for Rex Ryan's team. Dunleavy will be taken away from his parents and must now live in an apartment by himself in New Jersey. The 6'9", 117 pound freshman currently struggles with anorexia, and coach Ryan thinks that will be an important factor when Dunleavy makes the transition.

"We're planning on moving Robbie to starting tailback," Ryan told reporters. "He's so skinny that you can barely see him, so we're thinking that he might be able to score a touchdown every time he gets the ball."

The 14 year-old Dunleavy also has complications from a botched heart transplant, which Ryan thinks will also work to Dunleavy's advantage.

"It's going to make defenders scared to hit him if they even see him," Ryan said with a slight grin. "If they hit him too hard then he'll die, and I'm pretty sure [NFL commissioner] Goodell's got a hefty fine for that."

When asked whether or not Dunleavy will even want to play for the Jets due to the heavy odds against him, Ryan said that he doesn't think it will concern him.

"He doesn't understand that," Ryan laughed. "He has autism."

"I'll be praying for him," Tebow said when asked about Dunleavy.

Local Gang Worried that Obama Will Take Guns Hosts Turf War Fundraiser

STEUBENVILLE - Notorious Steubenville gang the Chicago Boys (right) will be taking to the streets today to raise money for their upcoming turf war over Historic North Fourth Street. The neighborhood is currently occupied by two different rival gangs and the Chicago Boys hope to change that by next weekend. Gang leader DeSean Meyers says that membership is up, but they need supplies to accommodate the new recruits.

"Yeah man I ain't never seen nothing like it," said Meyers. "[Every]body wants to join up but we ain't got enough guns or do-rags for everyone."

Unfortunately for the Chicago Boys, gun prices have recently skyrocketed due to increased demand. Meyers and his gang blame the price hike on president Barack Obama.

"I'll tell you what it is," Meyer explained. "It's that damned Obama. He's coming after our guns, man. And when he does, me and the boys will be waiting."

In response to the increased gun prices, the gang will be hosting several fundraisers around Steubenville today.

"We got a lot of people now," said veteran member LaQuinton Bowers. "So many that we can basically have every kind of fundraiser you can think of. There's numerous ways we can choose to earn funds."

The Boys will be hosting a bake sale at St. Peter's Church (left) on North Fourth, where they plan to sell an assortment of brownies and sugar-coated candies.

"That sugar make you real good man," said Bowers. "Real talk. Don't even get me started on them brownies. You'll be happy."

Each bag of brownies will also come with a free bag of Munchies snack mix. Along with the bag sale, the Chicago Boys will be having tag day as well as a rummage sale.

"I've been practicing my best tag day lines to convince people to donate," said Meyers. "Right now my favorite is: 'Give me all the money bitch!' I say that and show them my gun, that way they know where the money's going."

As for the rummage sale, the Chicago Boys will be selling a large collection of glassware. Most of the items will be vases such as the one on the right. Also being sold is a number of herbs and spices, some purses and wallets, assorted music CDs and auto parts such as hub caps.

OVN Local Medley Issue #1

• Kevin Strope, 53, of Cameron pleaded guilty to animal cruelty charges after many of his cows died from malnourishment. Judge Mark Karl decided against banning Strope from owning cows. His privileges will instead be suspended for 80 years, allowing him to own cows again when he breaks the old age record at 133.

• A 2 year-old girl who went missing from Preston County, WV was reportedly found safe at the Washington County shopping center in Pennsylvania. According to reports, the girl was missing for half an hour when police found her with her babysitter at the mall. The girl's mother called police after the babysitter didn't answer the phone when she was at work.

• A string of burglaries continued in Newell, WV this week. Police say that vandals broke in to the abandoned concession stand at Newell Memorial Field. Residents were outraged to learn that the thieves stole a bag of chips fifteen years past expiration.

• A Steubenville man's bond was set at $100,000 dollars after being charged with intimidating a witness. The man, Fred McShan, told reporters that he will raise the money by way of a bake sale.

• Westley Bowling of Toronto was arrested for violating his house arrest. Police say that he left his premises and tried to act like he was helping an 11-year old girl who had been run over by a car. 

• A Wetzel County teacher was suspended for a month without pay earlier this week for not following the school's code of conduct. The teacher reportedly told a student to work on his punctuality instead of screaming at him for being tardy.

• Former Water and Sewer Clerk for Smithfield Katherine Staten was indicted this week after claims that the town's water tasted 'fishy'.

• Catholic Charities of West Virginia said that that they are close to reaching their fundraising goals for their annual Mardi Gras celebration. The charity will provide local poor people a chance to get drunk, gamble and engage in as much 'dangerous' activity as possible just like everyone else celebrating the holiday.

• Police say that Derek Bradshaw and Charles Heathcote were arrested after robbing a home in Bellaire. Investigators say that the homeowner chased the burglars across multiple state lines on foot before police caught up with the group in New Jersey.

• The ringleader of the Amish beard and hair cutting attacks was sentenced to 15 years in prison this week. The aptly named Samuel Mullet will spend more time in prison than some people have for murder, rape, theft and kidnapping. "That will show them," said Judge Dan Aaron Polster.

• Wellsville residents said that they're happy police have shut down a 'nuisance' bar on Main St. Police say that local residents were complaining about the bar playing 'Sweet Home Alabama' on repeat every night.

• The Marshall County Health Department has voted to ban smoking in public outdoor areas. Officials say that they are tired of the fire department being called for false alarms when people mistake the smoke for house fires.

Dillonvale High School Now North Korean Embassy

DILLONVALE - After 32 years of sitting empty, the decaying shell that was once Dillonvale High School (right) has been sold to the Democratic People's Republic of Korea (DPRK), more commonly referred to as North Korea. The old school building closed after the 1971 school year when the area schools consolidated into the Buckeye Local School District. Like many other buildings in the small town, it has fallen into disrepair from its abandonment. Dillonvale Mayor Shelley Dulesky told OVN that she was contacted by North Korean Premier Choe Yong-rim about purchasing the property.

"They called our office and asked about public property that was for sale," said Dulesky. "I e-mailed them back pictures of the old high school and they responded pretty enthusiastically."

Supreme Leader of the DPRK Kim Jong-un claimed that this purchase is a major victory for the country, improving upon Dillonvale-North Korea relations as it will serve as the country's embassy to the village. Kim expressed hope that his country will be able to work with the government of Dillonvale better than the US State Department.

"The new embassy mirrors the resplendent characteristics of our beautiful nation," said Kim. "Our combined powers will be a force to be reckoned with. Through our partnership we will cement our status as an economic world power."

US Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton warned the small town of 665 people that this 'is a very bad idea'.

"This completely undermines the authority of the federal government," said Clinton. "I called mayor Dulesky to tell her that she was making a mistake but she e-mailed me a picture of her with her thumbs in her ears and sticking her tongue out at me."

Newly appointed Ambassador to Dillonvale Park Young-nam told reporters what he hopes the embassy will accomplish.

"We want to use the school's old science labs to practice our new methods of uranium enrichment," Park said. "There's a ton of old science textbooks in there that we can use to further out knowledge. Another thing we are excited for is the gymnasium, which provides us a ton of space for, uh, experiments on things. It also has a big playground where we can try out our new ICBMs."

North Korea stated that local residents will be allowed to tour the building free of charge, provided that they stay on the premises for at least 25 months.

Di Carlo's Speeds Orders by Not Cooking Food

WHEELING - Di Carlo's Pizza announced today that customers can expect their pizzas to be ready for pickup or delivery in just under 30 seconds due to their revolutionary new method of preparing their food. President Toni DiCarlo says that starting next week, none of the food on the menu will be cooked.

"We sat down and evaluated the entire process from the bottom up," said DiCarlo. "We found that nearly 90 percent of the wait time for our food comes from the cooking process, so we decided to cut that part out."

The move will also save a large amount of money for the company by using less power from the ovens, as well as cutting down on costs associated with maintenance. Profits are expected to double as twice the amount of orders can now be processed. The new look (left) gives the already original pizza a new unique attribute.

"This will be the only place in the valley where you can order uncooked food," DiCarlo continued. "We didn't feel that the square shape and cardboard flavor was enough, so the move only felt like the right one."

Preview tastings were held at various Di Carlo's locations throughout the valley, and so far the public reaction has been overwhelmingly positive.

"The new pizza's great!" said Tiltonsville resident Wally Wonka. "It tastes exactly the same as it did before and they made it a bazillion times faster!"

DiCarlo also said that with the new influx of business, the franchise will introduce a new variety of foods that will also skip the cooking process. The new menu items will include wings, hamburgers, meat loaf and sausage.

EA Sports Announces OVAC Football 14

A big wish came true earlier today for local gamers as Electronic Arts announced the development of their new sports video game OVAC Football 2014, which will shine the spotlight on local high schools. Just like other games released by EA Sports this generation, OVAC Football will be released for Playstation 3, Xbox 360 and Wii U. The cover (right) will feature Martins Ferry standout ball hog Darrius Waterford. EA spokesperson Fritz Haynes says the company hopes that the new series will spark an interest in American football in international markets.

"OVAC Football showcases the true beauty of American football," said Haynes. "The traditions of the various high schools, the competitiveness and the local pride is unchallenged. We hoped to showcase this in the game."

OVAC Football will introduce a number of new features and game modes new to EA football games. Similar to the 'Road to Glory' mode in the NCAA Football series and the 'Superstar' mode in the Madden series, this game will introduce the 'Jock' game mode, which allows players to take control of an up and coming pop-warner star. The player will then be automatically be assigned a high school based on where they live. An option to entice the player's parents to divorce will also be included, allowing the user to change schools. Mini-games to improve the player's abilities include making your cheerleader girlfriend cry in front of the entire hallway and embarrassing less athletic students during gym class.

"We're very proud to introduce 'Jock mode'," said Haynes. "It really captures what it's like to be a high school football stand-out."

Another new game mode will give players the option to assume the role of a middle-school student fan on the sidelines. In this mode one can play a watered-down version of football with their friends while they are at the game, at the same time being berated by older fans who are 'just trying to watch the damn game.' A scrapped game mode would have let the player assume the role of a student in the marching band, but EA had to toss the idea fearing a rating change by the ESRB.

"In order to capture the full spirit of being in the band, we would have to add some...questionable things," Haynes said. "And if we added said 'things' our rating would have changed from 'E for Everyone' to 'M for Mature'."

OVAC Football 14 is set to hit shelves on July 17th.

Sheriff Abdalla Eats a Kitten on Live TV

STEUBENVILLE - Sheriff Fred Abdalla has been recently seen followed by a film crew while he is on the job. Speculation was that Abdalla (right) would be a subject on the History Channel's new show Sheriff Wars, but those rumors were shot down during a press conference earlier this week. In fact, as revealed at said press conference, Abdalla will be starring in a new show titled Super Fred that focuses on himself engaging in 'outrageous' behavior.

"We had to think of a way to get the sheriff's popularity back up," said deputy Gunther Hawkins. "He's been called out recently for a number of reasons and we needed the public back on our side."

The pilot episode received widespread acclaim from a number of critics. The New York Times wrote that: "Mr. Abdalla handles the outlandish scenarios with style and aplomb, which is what the community needs from him right now."

The first episode was broadcast live nationally on NBC and featured Abdalla in Naples Spaghetti House, his favorite restaurant. Instead of ordering house favorites such as shrimp pasta or rigatoni, Abdalla simply asked for a live kitten. He then devoured the young feline in front of the horrified Naples crowd while seemingly sending a message to the online community.

"I've been a target of ridicule on the internet lately," said Abdalla. "This'll show them not to mess with Fred."

Adam Richman of the Travel Channel's Man vs Food told reporters that he was humbled by Abdalla's feat.

"I've never seen anything like it," said the shell-shocked Richman. "The thing was scratching the inside of his throat and he didn't even flinch. Heck, he didn't even have a drink!"

Next week's episode of Super Fred will feature Abdalla rollerblading downhill on John Scott Highway towards U.S. route 22 during rush hour against traffic. He will also attempt to jump over the Ohio River on a dirt bike, as well as respond to domestic disturbance calls dressed as Elvis Presley.

Franciscan U Students Help Unconscious Drunk Girl, Will Receive Some Kind of Award

STEUBENVILLE - A party in the Franciscan University of Steubenville's Padua Hall (right) got a little crazier than the hosting students originally anticipated, with many people gatecrashing the party and bringing more beer. By the end of the night, a girl who had attended the party fell unconscious in the bathroom.

"I walked in to take a pee after most of the party had gone but there was a girl lying on the toilet," said party host Connor Patrick. "I didn't want to pee on her so I moved her off the toilet and into a sitting position against the wall."

When he was done in the restroom, Patrick told his roommates about the girl inside.

"He was really concerned," said roommate Doug Kirkpatrick. "So we went in there to check on her and it didn't look too good."

"She was lying in her own vomit," said Lance Fitzpatrick, another roommate. "She looked pretty pale too."

The three roommates picked the girl up and carried her to their couch where they covered her with blankets and left her a cup of water and a dish to puke in. The fourth roommate returned home a few minutes later.

"I thought her roommate might be worried that she wouldn't be coming home," David Kilpatrick told us. "So I looked her up on Facebook and found her roommate. Then I looked into her phone for the number and called her to tell her what was going on."

The girl, 19 year old Annie Gilpatrick, lives across campus and the male students figured it would not be safe to make her attempt to walk home unconscious. A video of Kirkpatrick bragging about helping the girl to his roommates soon surfaced on Youtube.

"Dudes, she's totally going to be okay," says Kirkpatrick in the video. "She's going to be more okay than Will Smith at the end of Pursuit of Happyness. She's going to be more okay than Middle Earth after the ring was destroyed. She's going to be more okay than Red and Andy Dufresne at the end of The Shawshank Redemption."

The actions of the "Good Samaritan Crew" are being criticized by students' peers on twitter (right). We called local party etiquette expert Michael Nodianos to hear his input on how the students should have proceeded.

"If she's unconscious she's fair game man," said Nodianos. "She's on your floor, that means she's just asking for it. I just don't understand these Frannies bro."

A friend of Nodianos', Cody Saltsman, said that the girl didn't deserve that kind of treatment.

"I have no respect for whores," said Saltsman. "She got drunk, that means she is a whore. Whores aren't worthy of my attention."

We stopped by a few local gas stations to see what area residents had to say about the issue.

"You media types are doing nothing good for this," said Weirton resident Beth Meyers. "All you're doing is covering up the story and not giving it the attention it deserves." She said this while we were covering the story.

"Any girl who gets drunk at a party is just asking for trouble," said Marcus Redford, a local asshole. "She should have had something stolen at least. If she had been raped, she would have been asking for it."

Others felt that Kirkpatrick was being overly smug about helping someone.

"So you carried her to a couch and put some blankets on her. Big deal," said Steubenville native Traci Lords. "What do you want, some kind of award?"

The city of Steubenville later announced that the "Good Samaritan Crew" will receive 'some kind of award' for their kindness.

New Job-Mart Hands Out Free Jobs to Local Homeless People

TRIADELPHIA - A large crowd of homeless people and young teenagers eagerly waited outside the new Job-Mart (right) in the Highlands today, as the highly anticipated arrival of the store brings many new job opportunities to local homeless people. Job-Mart was founded in 1992 to give people who are down on their luck something to do.

"There's a ton of things that people don't understand about getting jobs," said regional director Ferdinand Marcos. "They tell homeless people to get a job but they don't realize the roadblocks that being homeless brings. Businesses usually don't like to hire homeless people, but we'll hire anybody."

In order to be legally employed at a business, a potential employee must fill out a form I-9 to verify that the person is eligible to work in the United States. In order to complete the form, a home address must be provided. Sometimes a home address is hard for homeless people to acquire.

"We forge that part," said Marcos.

A social security number is also required to complete the form I-9. It is reasonable to assume that many homeless people wouldn't know their social security number.

"We forge that part," said Marcos.

Lastly, a person needs to present to an employer with a non-expired form of identification and a form that verifies worker eligibility. A U.S. passport is accepted as establishing both identification and eligibility. A driver's license may be presented, but must be accompanied with a social security card or a birth certificate. A recent report showed that a shocking number of homeless people don't own cars and thus, have no driver's license. They also sparingly travel abroad, so they usually don't have passports either.

"We forge that part," said Marcos.

Job-Mart has a wide variety of jobs available for potential employees. Seen left is Warwood resident Enver Hoxha, whose job is to hammer nails into a wall for eight hours a day. One local resident described how Job-Mart is turning his life around.

"I used to be homeless," said Wheeling man Francois Duvalier. "Until one day a polite gentleman yelled at me to get a job. That thought had never occurred to me before. So I strolled right on into Job-Mart and they just up and handed me a job!"

Duvalier's job at Job-Mart is to play in a pool of paint, as well as dumping glue on kittens.

"We don't really have any revenue," said manager Stephen Harper. "We aren't a business and we don't sell anything, we just hand out jobs for people to do."

4 White People Arrested For Robbing a Convenient Food Mart

WHEELING - Authorities in Wheeling say that a group of white people were arrested earlier today when they held the cashier of a Convenient Food Mart (right) at gunpoint and demanded money from the register and stole a variety of groceries. The cashier, 107 year-old Bessie Cook, said that the white people were wearing masks, but could tell that they were white from the way that they were speaking.

"They sounded out every word they said," said Cook, who doesn't have hair. "Especially the words that ended in 'r', that's how I knew right there."

Surveillance footage shows the white people escaping from the convenience store in a Toyota Prius after knocking Cook to the ground. The fall set off Cook's LifeAlert necklace, notifying the Wheeling Police Department of the situation.

"All senior citizens should have LifeAlert," said Cook.

It did not take police long to track down the suspects.

"I was driving down National Road near Wheeling Park when I heard a car playing very loud music," said officer Allan Barbrady. "When I drove up closer I noticed that the car was occupied by a group of white people listening to Barry Manilow. I promptly pulled them over."

When officers searched the car they found one-hundred dollars worth of stolen Starbucks coffee and soy milk. The suspects matched the description of the perpetrators given in Cook's statement to police. The white people were then taken to the West Virginia Northern Regional Jail. The names of the white people have not yet been released.

Local Anti-Abortion Rally Backfires When God Admits to Being Pro-Choice

ST. CLAIRSVILLE - A pro-life rally in St. Clairsville had hopes of changing abortion law in the state of Ohio, but a visit by the Lord himself polarized the crowd of around 15. The rally was headed by St. Clairsville Church of Christ elder Skip Gooch, who performed the same ritual to summon God as the prophet Elijah did in 1 Kings chapter 18. Gooch built an altar to God at the rally, then brought in a cow from a local farm. The cow was chopped into pieces and thrown into a pit where it was drenched with water. Gooch then asked God to burn the cow and He did. Then, to the delight of the pro-life crowd, Gooch asked God to speak to them about the horrors of abortion.

"Um, I'm actually pro-choice," said Mr. God. "You know, didn't you guys get the whole memo about free will?"

The statements drew many boos and catcalls from the crowd, most of whom would not be swayed from their stance.

"That's not what God meant to say!" said Merriam Webster, an English teacher at St. Clairsville High School. "What He meant to say was that the fetus should have the choice as to whether or not it wants to born."

In an interview with God after the rally, we asked Him to clarify His meaning.

"Ok, I'll try to make this as clear as I possibly can for you people but it's getting frustrating," said Mr. God as he sipped the new winter latte from Starbucks. "I fully support the right of a woman to make the choice to end her pregnancy. I will take care of the baby; leave that to me. I do not give a fetus cognitive perception until the third trimester of pregnancy so it wouldn't feel a thing."

We then showed the interview footage to other people who attended the rally.

"What God said was just a metaphor," said Luke McKinnon. "He always speaks in riddles, that's why I love Him so much."

"What does God know about pregnancy?" said Dr. Stephan Kozar of Wheeling Hospital. "Is He a scientist? No. I am a medical professional and I can tell you that an unborn baby is as good as a birthed one."

One person in the crowd simply accepted God's stance and quietly walked away. A few others refused to believe that God even spoke these words.

"Nope, God didn't say that," said rally-goer Stephanie Anderson. We then replayed the footage on our camera for her. "Nope, he didn't say it," she said as she put her fingers in her ears. "Lalalalala can't hear you!"

West Virginia Schools to Combat Declining Obesity Rates

CHARLESTON - According to West Virginia officials, the health of the state's children is improving. The news could not have come at a worse time for the state's school system, which last month saw an increase in the students' standardized test scores. The West Virginia Department of Education released a statement regarding the matter, saying they will take steps to reverse the recent 'improvements'.

"It's a shame," said West Virginia state superintendent of schools James Phares. "We were getting close to the 65 percent obesity goal that we had set a few years ago but now we are facing another setback."

Several experts blame the weight loss on the bankruptcy of bakery company Hostess.

"Our school's vending machines used to carry all kinds of Hostess foods," said Brooke High School principal  Toni Shute. "But they went out of business and we were forced to put apples and carrots in our vending machines.

Most students were unfavorable of the change to fruits and vegetables in the vending machines, especially after the food sat in the machines for a few days.

"The kids liked the healthy foods at first," said Shute. "But after a couple of days the fruit and veggies began to mold and the children don't like that as much as I do."

Back at the state level, Phares told us to expect some major changes in the near future.

"We're going to replace some classes with new ones," Phares said. "Obviously physical education needs to be thrown out. We're replacing that with World of Warcraft class, which will provide the same team building skills just without the physical stress."

Phares hopes that the new measure can kill two birds with one stone.

"We're looking to replace history classes and English classes with ones that focus on real-life challenges," Phares continued. "We're discussing educating our students on how to shop at Aldi and Big Lots, and hopefully removing those other classes will also drop the test scores."

We are also being told by our inside sources that home economics classes will be overhauled to simply teach students how to properly order delivery food as well as drive-thru etiquette.

Student Enters School with Scissors, None Injured

WHEELING - Tragedy was narrowly averted earlier today when a young girl walked into Madison Elementary School (right) armed with a pair  of Fiskars Junior Scissors. This near-disaster takes place with the tragedy at Sandy Hook Elementary still fresh in our minds. School principal Nicolette Kacmarik told OVN that the eight-year old entered the building at 7:15 A.M., which just so happens to be when the rest of the students arrive.

"She came in on a school bus and blended in well with the other students," Kacmarik said. "Nobody could pick her out from the crowd."

The weapon was very carefully concealed within the girl's backpack. Early reports are identifying the suspect as eight-year old Kaitlyn Maher (left), whose teachers said they had no idea she was capable of such moral deficiency.

"She was always very nice," said Hezbollah Studies teacher Mustafa Nazrullah. "She shared with the other students and had lots of friends."

Mr. Nazrullah, two other teachers, and custodian Rusty Cox are being hailed as heroes.

"I walked into the classroom to take out the trash when I saw the little girl trying to cut out a picture of 'My Pretty Pony'," said Cox. "I screamed as loud as I possibly could to alert the school of the situation. Then I ran outside and hid."

The Valley will recognize Cox as a former champion of the West Virginia Toughman Contest. Now he will be remembered for his bravery outside the ring. Authorities arrived promptly to the scene and subdued Maher with a well placed taser shot to the face. Teachers have commented that Maher's motivations were most likely fueled by mental health issues.

"I mean she probably had autism," said teacher Lydia Brown. "Or something like Asperger's Syndrome but we can't really know."

"Kaitlyn Maher had what's known as Attention Deficit Disorder," said math teacher Leroy Jenkins. "It's a very rare disorder and it caused her to go on her rampage." Jenkins heads the Wheeling-wide ADD awareness society.

"I think Kaitlyn had cerebral palsy," said Dorothy Parker, another teacher. "That's why she did it."

The incident turns up the heat on the highly debated scissors control issue. Local residents are worried that they won't be able to purchase scissors in the future.

"This is it," said Wheeling Island resident Dean Fouts. "The liberals and that commie Obama are just going to eat this up. We live in this marshmallow society where one bad thing happens and everything gets screwed up. Well, reality is a S'mores society. Sometimes things get gooey."

"We are guaranteed under the forty-seventh amendment the right to bear scissors," said Francis Sever, another islander. "Obama wants to take away what our forefathers guaranteed to us!"

Currently, federal law only bans the use of automatic assault scissors. We'll continue to follow this story as new developments arise.

Steubenville Passes New Rape Exemption Law

STEUBENVILLE - In a historic day for bi-party relations, Steubenville officials from both the Republican and Democratic parties unanimously passed a new city ordinance that allows certain people to be exempt from Ohio Revised Code section 2907.02, which bans rape. Mayor Domenick Mucci (right), has championed this law from the beginning. He received praise from the city of Steubenville after passing a law that allows intoxicated driving within city limits just days after being arrested for the same crime last year. The move won him a new term with 99.9 percent of the vote in an election that saw more voters than there are people in Steubenville. The new rape exemption law seemingly seals his campaign in the next election.

In August, at least two members of the Steubenville Big Red football team raped a 16 year-old girl. The charges against the two football players were later dropped as Big Red coach Reno Saccoccia came to the rescue by paying off the court.

"Raping is how we've managed to be so successful," said Saccoccia, who will receive the Jerry Sandusky Award for Bravery. "It gets the players' testosterone levels up so it's sort of a natural way to do steroids."

Big Red's booster website rollredroll.com was recently hacked into by a terrorist group calling themselves Anonymous. Anonymous is an anti-rape extremist group and tries to force its anti-rape ways onto the public. A statement made on the team's website by webmaster Jim Parks called out the group, calling the allegations 'slanderous and libelous'.

"This group, these terrorists are trying to break a tradition that we've held dear for years in Steubenville," Parks told us as he choked back tears. "When I played for Big Red, I raped at least three students before each game."

Anonymous is also reportedly offended by Mr. Parks' vast collection of child pornography discovered in his e-mail account.

"We can't let this happen again," said Saccoccia, who always puts the well being of the community first. "We've come together as a team and we got this law passed. Now all that's left to do is go out there and win another championship."

The new law allows members of the Steubenville Big Red athletic teams to rape whomever they want to as long as they are intoxicated with alcohol or the school-supplied roofies. Steubenville Catholic Central players will not be permitted to rape people because they are a private school. Bestiality is also permitted to football players as long as the animal involved is a chicken weighing over 4 pounds.

"Chickens are a good substitute for people," said coach Saccoccia. "They have a cloaca, which is sort of like an anus and a vagina mixed together so it adds a whole new dynamic to our game plan."

Pictured right: a cloaca

Carrollton Cancels Game, Creek Plays Anyhow

WINTERSVILLE - Strong defense and proper execution has been a point of emphasis for Indian Creek this season. George Brown scored 87 points last night as he lead the Redskins past the Carrollton Warriors 231-0. All five of Creek's starters had career highs in a less than stellar performance from the Carrollton defense. As seen in the image to the right, (taken with our brand new high-def camera) the Redskins basically played with an open court. The nightmare started early for the Warriors; Fred Smith caught the opening tip and scored a quick layup on the fast break. Carrollton then turned the ball over following a 10-second violation after failing to inbound the ball.

"I'm really proud of the way we played tonight," Indian Creek head coach Joe Dunlevy said. "We played solid defense out there and put up a lot of points."

The treacherous snow storms prevented the Carrollton team from showing up, but that setback did not stop the Redskins, who shot a blistering 94 percent from the field. Carrollton's Roy Hamilton, who averages a respectable 17 points a game, had his worst showing of the season as he put up zero points and zero assists.

"Are you kidding me?" was all Carrollton head coach Matt Voll had to say in a phone interview before hanging up.

On a more positive note, the Warriors did not foul the Redskins once all night, which is something they can build upon. A few parents interviewed on both sides were unhappy that their children did not get to play.

"My son didn't even get to play tonight," said Nancy Levinson. "He never gets in, it's all because he doesn't have the right last name." Her son Earl averages 1 minute a game. The 5 foot 4, 426 pound point guard has not put up a single point in practice all season.

Some Carrollton parents who made the trek through the snow said that they were disappointed in coach Voll's decision to sit the entire team. They also called out Creek coach Dunlevy for running up the score. Up 208-0 with 4 minutes to play, Dunlevy told his bench that they would not see the floor as he signaled to run the fast break offense.

"We play whole game," said Dunlevy. "No excuses. We play until that buzzer rings."

With just a half second left on the clock, the Redskins called timeout and drew up a play. The ball was thrown in to Ned West who hit a three as time expired. The Indian Creek students stormed the court as the players dumped the Gatorade on their coach. They then carried him off the court in a scene where the magic could only be described as cinematic.

Salvation Army Offers Recovered Power Line Shoes to Needy Children

WHEELING - With a new school year underway and winter fast approaching, new shoes are a hot commodity. Sadly, many local families are too poor to accommodate new shoes in their budget. In fact, new shoes even drove at least seven into bankruptcy. However, The Salvation Army in Wheeling has come up with a plan to provide shoes to hundreds of kids this fall. Chairman Paul Shepard told us how the plan came to action.

"Every time I take a walk through downtown or Heritage Trail," said Shepard, "I see countless shoes dangling from the power lines. Several pairs of shoes just hanging there with no feet in them. I'm going to do the city a favor by cleaning them up and giving them to children."

The suggestion was met with widespread praise throughout the area.

"There's been a pair of shoes outside my apartment window for six years," says Wheeling resident Helen Sawyer. "I used to just watch them sit out there during the thunderstorms, and now my little boy gets to wear them. It's beautiful."

"After school, my friends like to go to the store down the road to buy candy," said 12 year old Michael Freeman. "But I can't go in because the sign says 'No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service'. But I can go in now!"

The Salvation Army told us that each pair of shoes will come with a complimentary can of Febreeze to deal with odor problems. They also announced plans to set up a marketing campaign to spread word. NBA All-Star Lebron James told reporters that he received an endorsement.

"I really respect The Salvation Army and what they're doing for the kids," said James. "It's a great opportunity for them, and a little extra spending money in my pocket."

James later tweeted saying that he will wear a pair of power line shoes during every game of the upcoming season should the NBA lockout subside.

While the program will help shoe-less children in the short run, Shepard told us that the real intentions of the program are to promote safety.

"Unfortunately we will run out of shoes, and yes, we are going to prevent new shoes from getting up there in the first place," Shepard said. "The shoes get up there because kids like to play on the power lines. They fall off and their shoes get caught up there. We're going to stop that."

The Salvation Army and AEP are working together to install railings on every power line in America.

Local High Schools Prepare for Upcoming Sports Season

The summer heat is rampaging all across the Ohio Valley, but that isn't stopping local high school sports teams from practicing at one hundred percent in order to prepare for the upcoming season. In particular, Steubenville Big Red's shooting team got in its first practice of the summer this morning, and we got a chance to see senior standout Daequon Butler (left) first hand. The three year letterman is coming off of a strong 2010 season, and told us that he may head straight to the pros right out of college.

"Yea I got like a bunch of different offers of all sorts I got to consider before I think about college," says Butler. "Today a scout from the Crips was here lookin' at me, said I got a good future with them."

Big Red coach Jim Fisher told us that although Butler is a sure lock to go pro, he still has to keep his mind on where he is now.

"He's got the rest of his life to think about being a Crip, Blood, or Chicago Boy," Fisher said. "We're trying to keep our focus on Big Red right now. If he does that, he might end up getting an offer from the FBI."

Fisher took an unorthodox approach to practice this morning, by making his team rob a local downtown grocery store. Five of the students were arrested.

"That's how we make our cuts," Fisher added. "If you can't rob a store, maybe you're a better fit for the Chess Club. We need only the best to compete with Edison this year."

Steubenville's arch-rival, the Edison Wildcats (right), were hard at work today as well. Edison coach Preston Adams told us that the rivalry was started because the two teams use opposite techniques.

"We shoot our guns by looking down the sights," said Adams. "It's a much better way to ensure that you hit your target. Steubenville on the other hand, they shoot their guns by holding them sideways. It's less accurate, but you get the shot off quicker."

Other schools across the Valley are making some changes for the upcoming year. In a trip over to Weirton, West Virginia, we got to meet Tokey (left), the new mascot for the Weir High Fighting Stoners. The mascot was selected by the students from a shortlist of four that included Tokey, Bud the Bud, Kiefer the Kief, and Smokey. The change is part of a whole 're-imaging' program for the school, which was forced to drop its logo after a lawsuit from The University of Wisconsin-Madison. The school then settled on a marijuana leaf, but had to change that as well after The Ohio State University threatened legal action.

The logo dispute is reminiscent of the earlier incident involving the Buckeye Local School District and Anheuser-Busch. Despite the imminent lawsuit, the school's football team is keeping their minds on the field. Head football coach Anthony Barsch discussed with us some problems that the team faced with scheduling games this year.

"We were originally supposed to play Youngstown East in week two," said Barsch. "But our AD Sam Jones told me that they called in and said they didn't want to play us anymore because it would take at least a 92 point win in order for the win to mean anything because we were so bad last year."

Luckily for Barsch and the Panthers, Jones had a very unique solution.

"I got a hold of a team from Grove City that said they would be delighted to play us," said Jones. "It's just what both of our teams were looking for, a very competitive game."

Jones found the team by way of a want ad on Craigslist. The team, the Grove City Cowboys (right), is a Pop-Warner powerhouse and is expected to be at least a 3-1 favorite.

This Year's Anti-Jamboree Statuses Exceed Attendance

FACEBOOK - Jamboree in the Hills wrapped up earlier this week, which means that the Valley will slip back into a depression once again. Notwithstanding the major economic influx that the festival brings to the area, many people take to social media to show their distaste. In fact, a student from MIT recently pulled together a stat that will shock many. The number of statuses on Facebook and Twitter actually surpassed the amount of people who attended the event.

"It is quite amazing," said Matthew McDooglestein, the student who worked this all out. "There is a substantial amount of people who care enough about not caring about Jambo that they all got this urge to tell the world that they don't care. What's even more surprising is that nobody cares that that person doesn't care!"

The anomaly actually created a hole in the space time continuum, but because nobody cared about it either, it just sadly disappeared. The day before Jamboree in the Hills has now officially been dubbed as "National I Don't Care Day", where everyone gets to express how much they don't care about anything.

"I went to Jamboree in the Hills," said an anonymous person who randomly called us today. "But I only went to see Ron Retzer."

Retzer's performance was the only one to nearly top the amount of 'I Don't Care' statuses, especially when he played his hit song "Paddling My Boat Down a Creek", which is also the only Retzer song to contain profanity. Jambo officials told us that they are working on overhauling next year's show.

"We're working on overhauling next year's show," said chairman Bob Jacobs, who obviously lacks creativity. "We're working on setting up a duet with Toby Keith and Lil Wayne, a set with 3OH!3, and a country performance from Justin Bieber."

Usain Bolt Wins Redneck Run

MORRISTOWN - This year's Jamboree in the Hills kicked off in the usual fashion yesterday morning with the traditional "Redneck Run". The sprinting competition is held every morning of Jamboree in the Hills, and showcased some of the finest athletes that the Valley has to offer. Yesterday's winner was not, however, a resident of the Ohio Valley. The race was won by Jamaican Olympic gold medalist Usain Bolt, who showed up for the race five minutes before it started. Bolt made it to the stage first, nearly a full minute ahead of second place finisher Billy Ray Hopkins. Hopkins told us that he was humbled by his defeat.

"I tell you what," Hopkins said, "I ain't never seen no person run that fast ever in my life. 'Cept for when ole Harry Rawlings down the road chased that possum out his garden."

The race (right) is being replayed on many sports channels such as ESPN, many of whom are downplaying Bolt's performance.

"If you look closely at the replay footage," says analyst Adam Schefter, "you can see that Bolt isn't weighed down by any blankets or chairs. In fact, he didn't even bring any beer! No one goes to Jambo without beer."

Bolt told us in his post race interview that he wanted to set a new standard.

"Nobody run this race without beer before," said Bolt. "I ran it without beer. I ran it and I won it."

Bolt's prize for winning the race is a full pass to Jamboree in the Hills, and yes, free beer all weekend.

Local Children Transformed Into Legos

BELLAIRE - The Plastic Brick Museum in Bellaire has been a mystery to many for ages. Nearly thirty years ago, the museum fired its entire staff and closed its gates forever. Ever since, nobody has been seen going in, or coming out. This was a move that baffled local residents and leading experts in the museum field. The people of Bellaire told us that the museum should have collapsed upon itself.

"I don't know what they were trying to pull," said Danny Morell. "I mean, it's not like when Willy Wonka's factory shut down. This is a museum, locking people out defeats the purpose."

 The owner of the museum then made national headlines when he announced that he would let 5 lucky children inside. 5 golden tickets were placed inside select boxes of Legos at local Wal-Mart stores. St. Clairsville Wal-Mart employee Gordon Hewitt told us that this was unapproved by his managers.

"Whoever did this just walked in, opened a box of Legos and put the ticket in there," said Hewitt. "I just pulled the ticket out and gave it to my little cousin."

The children entered the museum early Tuesday morning. When they came out, however, they were no longer children. The front doors opened at 5:30 in the afternoon, and out ran 5 Lego people to rejoin their parents (right). The museum's owner, Dan Brown, told us that the whole stunt was a test for a new machine that turned children into Lego people.

"I started off the tour as conventional as any other," said Brown. "Then I threw in a crazy twist that I bet none of them could see coming!"

When word broke about what had happened to the children, the museum was flooded with thousands of excited kids wishing to be turned into their favorite movie characters.

"I wanna be Indiana Jones!" shouted a voice from the crowd.

"Turn me into Justin Bieber!" yelled another.

Mr. Brown is charging $25 for each transformation, which is permanent.

NFL Drops Colts, Adds Ohio Valley Greyhounds

WHEELING - Chris Mortensen of ESPN wrote earlier this week that an inside source revealed that NFL commissioner Roger Goodell planned to dismiss a team from the league. That team was announced this morning as the Indianapolis Colts. Goodell stated that a certain player on the team was doing more harm for the rest of the league than good.

"The decision to drop the Colts was because of one player *cough* Peyton *cough* Man- *sneeze* ning *cough*," Goodell stated in a media conference. "It's sad to see such a prestigious team leave our wonderful league, but we do have something special up our sleeves."

That special something turned out to be the revival of the Ohio Valley Greyhounds, who disbanded in 2007 after 2 years in the Indoor Football League, 4 years in the National Indoor Football league, and 3 years as a member of United Indoor Football.

"The Greyhounds turned out to be the best fit for the NFL," Goodell continued. "The team has endured many of the same troubles that other NFL teams have had. They just faced a massive flood from a clogged sink, just like the Saints did with their flood caused by a Category 5 hurricane. The citizens of the Ohio Valley suffered a great loss when the team folded, just like the people of Cleveland did when the Browns relocated to Baltimore. Hopefully the Greyhounds will find the same success that the Browns did after their revival."

With the 2011 season scheduled to begin in just a few months, the team is working hard on recruiting new players.

"In order to keep attendance up, we have to sign local players," said team president Sharon Stephan. "People will want to support players that they know and are familiar with."

The Greyhounds are holding tryouts for former football players of the OVAC, as well as football players from local colleges.

"I'm stoked," says former Harrison Central running back Aaron McDavis. "I've been working as a janitor for the past few years, and all I keep thinking about is those good ol' football days. I got a wife and eight kids with her, an ex-girlfriend I owe child support to, and sixty seven unpaid parking tickets. It's safe to say I could use a better job."

Other players we talked to were a little less enthusiastic, citing their past rivalries as too much of a distraction.

"I don't know about this," says former Martins Ferry punter Luke McIntire. "We got a wide receiver and a nose tackle from Buckeye Local and two linebackers from Bellaire. Sharing a locker room with those guys, that just might be too much for me to handle."

A few former OVAC players in the NFL already have expressed interest in returning home.

"Man I would love for my family and friends to be able to see me play every week," said former Bellaire quarterback Nate Davis. "I'm a free agent right now so they're definitely in the running if the price is right."

Davis's agent told us that they hope to reach an agreement worth around 36 billion dollars.

"What can I say? He likes money," the agent told us.

To find out what other players around the NFL thought of this addition, we headed out to Pittsburgh to talk to players about how they will prepare for the new, unfamiliar players.

"We've done a lot of searching on YouTube for footage of their games," said 6 time Pro Bowl safety Troy Polamalu. "There weren't that many videos of the actual teams, just a lot of halftime shows."

"I'm sending a message to the NFL this year," said linebacker James Harrison, who was fined multiple times last year for hits the league deemed illegal. "I'm going to play how I play the game, no exceptions, not even for this new team."

The announcement also further delays the release of Madden NFL 12, which was scheduled for release on August 30th.

"This is bad for business," EA Sports president Peter Moore told us over the phone. "We're already behind on the release date, and now we basically have to rebuild the game around this. Luckily, it won't take too long to make a model of Wheeling. Besides, if we get anything wrong, I'm not sure anyone will notice."

Brilliant's Xtreme Honda Issues Recall on Motorcycle Air Conditioners

BRILLIANT - Xtreme Honda of Brilliant announced earlier today that they will recall the air conditioners that they installed on select Honda motorcycles. The move comes after intense pressure from the Ohio Department of Transportation and local municipal courts. In a press release issued today, ODOT explained that the climate control system was responsible for nearly 300 deaths in the Ohio Valley. That sobering number is roughly 89% of customers who purchased the system. ODOT Director Jerry Wray told us that enough is enough.

"We usually don't put our foot down like this in Ohio until there a few thousand deaths, but it's costing us a lot of money to clean up the bodies on the roadways, especially those caused by air conditioning accidents."

The air conditioning units shot 15 degree temperatures at 175 miles per hour at the rider in order to compensate for the open air environment. Most of the deaths came from bikers being ejected from their seats, but there were also a few reported incidents of hypothermia, and others where the riders' hands would freeze to the handlebars.

"When the hands get frozen," Wray said. "They make it impossible to disengage the throttle, and at that point you just can't stop the bike until you wreck into something. This is why so many bikers drive so fast."

Xtreme Honda stated that they did not foresee these problems, but will develop a safer system in the future.

"Trust me," Xtreme Honda owner Rick Buchanan told us. "The safety of our riders is our top priority. The next generation of motorcycle air conditioners will feature temperatures at 33 degrees, which will solve the freezing problem. To compensate for that change, the air speed will be increased to 200 miles per hour and buyers will receive a free Bowflex so they can be strong enough to hang on."