Steubenville Passes New Rape Exemption Law

STEUBENVILLE - In a historic day for bi-party relations, Steubenville officials from both the Republican and Democratic parties unanimously passed a new city ordinance that allows certain people to be exempt from Ohio Revised Code section 2907.02, which bans rape. Mayor Domenick Mucci (right), has championed this law from the beginning. He received praise from the city of Steubenville after passing a law that allows intoxicated driving within city limits just days after being arrested for the same crime last year. The move won him a new term with 99.9 percent of the vote in an election that saw more voters than there are people in Steubenville. The new rape exemption law seemingly seals his campaign in the next election.

In August, at least two members of the Steubenville Big Red football team raped a 16 year-old girl. The charges against the two football players were later dropped as Big Red coach Reno Saccoccia came to the rescue by paying off the court.

"Raping is how we've managed to be so successful," said Saccoccia, who will receive the Jerry Sandusky Award for Bravery. "It gets the players' testosterone levels up so it's sort of a natural way to do steroids."

Big Red's booster website rollredroll.com was recently hacked into by a terrorist group calling themselves Anonymous. Anonymous is an anti-rape extremist group and tries to force its anti-rape ways onto the public. A statement made on the team's website by webmaster Jim Parks called out the group, calling the allegations 'slanderous and libelous'.

"This group, these terrorists are trying to break a tradition that we've held dear for years in Steubenville," Parks told us as he choked back tears. "When I played for Big Red, I raped at least three students before each game."

Anonymous is also reportedly offended by Mr. Parks' vast collection of child pornography discovered in his e-mail account.

"We can't let this happen again," said Saccoccia, who always puts the well being of the community first. "We've come together as a team and we got this law passed. Now all that's left to do is go out there and win another championship."

The new law allows members of the Steubenville Big Red athletic teams to rape whomever they want to as long as they are intoxicated with alcohol or the school-supplied roofies. Steubenville Catholic Central players will not be permitted to rape people because they are a private school. Bestiality is also permitted to football players as long as the animal involved is a chicken weighing over 4 pounds.

"Chickens are a good substitute for people," said coach Saccoccia. "They have a cloaca, which is sort of like an anus and a vagina mixed together so it adds a whole new dynamic to our game plan."

Pictured right: a cloaca