Strange, Guttural Voice Plagues Wheeling Central PA System

WHEELING - During morning announcements, it's not uncommon for students of Wheeling Central Catholic High School to be greeted by a peculiar voice.

"Dungrow vos tunglitu reshnitz," the voice announced this morning. "Qornis poz nuuten sar."

At first, students and teachers thought the voice was simply a joke from principal Rebecca Sancomb.

"Honestly, you should hear her sometimes in the morning before she's had her coffee," said English teacher A.J. Bucon. "I swore she was just doing the voice herself before I heard it when she was in the same room."

Thomas Connor of IBEW 141, an electricians union, insists that the school's wiring is to blame, but Monsignor Gene Ostrowski disagrees.

"It's those daggone Wiccans from Linsly again," Ostrowski said. "They cast a curse upon our school and now this demon has made his home in our PA system."

The monster has been named 'Chad' by students, and is fond of playing 'Boom Clap' by Charli XCX around lunch time.

"Tuzzok ku relitov anuzilis vos lyr, Boom Clap desreton Charli XCX," the demon happily announces before playing the song.

"It really wouldn't be that bad," said student Mary Beth Newsome. "But it's the only song that thing plays. Sometimes he plays it up to three times a day."

News 7 Changes Name to WTF News (Definitely Jake Kauffman's Idea)

WHEELING - Citing a need to expand the station's audience, WTRF officials announced today that they will change the channel's format yet again. In an interview with himself Monday morning, Tate Blanchard said that News 7 was granted permission by the FCC to drop the 'R' from 'WTRF'.

"What brought about the decision to change pace again?" Blanchard asked himself, before getting up and changing chairs. "Well it was an idea that's been floating around here for a long time. I personally don't know who started it, but it sounds like something Jake Kauffman would think of."

Under the new name, WTF News will function as the Ohio Valley's competitor to Inside Edition, focusing on wacky news stories and local gossip.

"It's going to be just like going to bingo with your grandmother," said Blanchard. "I know Jake Kauffman is a regular on the local bingo circuit, that's why I think it was his idea."

Blanchard told himself that the station will move away from its current animated news format, in which the news is presented by the cast of Brickleberry, in order to reach a new audience.

"Unfortunately, our viewership was limited to residents of the Ohio Valley," he said. "We couldn't get people in our target markets, like Orlando, Los Angeles and Detroit, to be interested in Wheeling news. Hopefully we'll find more success in this direction."

When he asked himself why he was so insistent on blaming Jake Kauffman for the change in format, Blanchard got angry with himself and stormed out of the interview, all on live television.

"You know what, that's really none of your business Tate," he said. "This interview is over!"

As he walked off, WTF News debuted its signature out cue, a live audience yelling 'What The F***!?'

Oglebay Opens Zoo for Gay and Transgender Animals

WHEELING - The Good Zoo at Oglebay opened the world's first zoo exclusively for animals in the LGBT community. The 65-acre zoo stands alone from the original, and is more than twice the size. Volunteers from the Good Zoo say that they feel like some of the animals felt out of place in their original homes.

"We had some wallabies that really felt like they were out of place," said 16-year-old Ashley Williams. "They were just so sad so we had to put them somewhere where they wouldn't feel marginalized."

Corey is a gay wallaby acquired by the zoo last year.

The new zoo, named Oglegay, features a 200 square-foot gay bar for homosexual wallabies.

"My favorite one is Corey," said Williams. "He was always picked on by the straight animals at the zoo. You should have seen his face light up when we brought him to his new home."

Also new is a shopping mall with over 20 gender-neutral stores and boutiques, where wallabies of various gender identities can shop for new clothes.

Dominique's original name was Wallace, before she came out
identifying as female.

"You would be surprised how many wallabies are actually transgender," said James Vega, another volunteer. "Many of them are scared to come out because wallabies always disown their LGBT joeys."

The transgender wallaby exhibit includes more than 25 specimens, including Dominique, the first ever wallaby to come out publicly.

"She was always pushed around by the cissexual animals at the Good Zoo," said Vega. "Lions and cougars are really bigoted animals. They always gave our wallabies a hard time."

This is another transgender wallaby at Oglegay. His name is
Bill, but his parents gave him the birth name 'Wynona'.

Unlike most zoos, every section at Oglegay is connected, allowing the animals to move freely among the various exhibits.

"It really helps out the bisexual wallabies," said John Shephard, 17. "It's also how we show unity, and that all wallabies are welcome in the gay zoo, no matter their orientation, L,G,B or T."

The zoo's hours are 10 at night until 3 in the morning.

"Gay and trans animals stay up late, especially when put in this kind of atmosphere," said Williams. "Last night all the wallabies just went to bed and slept, so it was kind of disappointing. They just need to get comfortable and settled in."

WMC Announces '6 Steps to Outliving Your Kids' Program

WEIRTON - Officials at the Weirton Medical Center raised eyebrows Thursday when they announced a week-long seminar on living longer than your children. The program, spearheaded by neurologist Joseph Wapenski, is open to the public and begins on October 6.

"This has been a dream of mine for years," said Wapenski. "Longevity is pretty much the whole point of medicine"

Wapenski and other doctors involved with the program told us that the seminar will teach adults how to live healthy, adding years to their lives as well as taking years from their offspring.

"Healthier parents are a direct correlation to depressed, lonely children," said Wapenski. "Having health freaks for parents means kids miss out on the finer points of childhood: candy, underage drinking, teenage pregnancy, going to Kid Rock and Limp Bizkit concerts, that sort of debauchery. The longer you live, the longer your kids have to deal your crap."

Cardiologist Stanley Mannino said that healthy parents are seldom seen in the Ohio Valley.

"I'd call it an epidemic," he said. "100 percent of parents in the Ohio Valley are smokers and every last one of them is morbidly obese. Of that 100 percent, 100 percent of them are addicted to amphetamines."

At the last Board of Health meeting, Brooke County Health Officer Joseph DePetro praised the idea of promoting better health, but questioned the ethics of actually trying to live longer than one's children.

"Some of the things I see in this program are quite disturbing," DePetro said. "Things like keeping a lit cigarette behind behind a box fan in your kids' bedrooms and putting asbestos in their shampoo. What's the rationale here?"

Wapenski said that another of the program's goals is to enable long-term helicopter parenting.

"Ideally, you'd be alive for the entire duration of your children's lives," he said. "That way you can always monitor them, never let them out of your sight and never let them grow up. The world is safer than it has ever been, and we want to make sure it stays that way."

Buckeye Local QB and WR Are High School Football's First Father-Son Combo

RAYLAND - Perhaps the Buckeye Local Panthers won't bring home the glory of a state championship, but they can claim to have set at least one record. Quarterback Billy Dunn is the first high school football player in history to play on the same team as his son.

"After our second loss of the year, we really needed something to lift our spirits," said head coach Phil Pest. "We figured that we'd get a huge boost if we brought up Billy Jr. from the freshmen team."

Billy Dunn was just 7-years-old when he became a father, but that didn't become public knowledge until two years ago, when the mother of his child finally stepped forward.

"I know it's taboo in most places," said Patricia Wilson, mother of Billy Jr. "But I sat down and had a big long talk with the superintendent and he decided that what was done was done."

Ms. Wilson, 37, was Billy Dunn's second-grade teacher, and taught plastic surgery at Buckeye North Elementary until her involvement with Dunn was revealed.

"Mr. Miller told me that he wouldn't let me teach there anymore," said Wilson, with tears in her eyes. "Instead, he made me teach at the high school so I could always be with Billy! I'm sorry for crying, but I just feel so blessed."

Billy Dunn was held back four times in his scholastic career, making him a senior when his son entered his first year of high school. Dunn Jr. inherited his father's athletic talent, and followed in his footsteps to World War II Memorial Stadium. Their natural chemistry on the field soon became apparent.

"Junior's a third-stringer," said Pest. "But in the fourth quarter of our game against Union Local, the fans started chanting his name. Even the other team joined in. It was so emotional and definitely worth losing the game for."

The young freshman replaced Adam Wilson, Buckeye Local's star wide receiver and only player to score a touchdown all season. Dunn Sr. threw a pass to his son a short post route over the middle, but he fumbled the ball after a devastating hit from safety Ed Reed. Union Local then drove down the field for the game winning field goal. Dunn Jr. was subsequently given up for adoption.