Big Red's Saccoccia Jealous He Didn't Receive Indictment

STEUBENVILLE - Big Red head football coach Reno Saccoccia told reporters today that he was upset that charges wouldn't be pressed against him as a result of the grand jury investigation into the 2012 rape case. Earlier today, Ohio Attorney General Mike DeWine announced the names of four people who are being indicted, Steubenville City Schools Superintendent Michael McVey among them. A hysterical Saccoccia attended the press conference, and took the microphone after DeWine was finished speaking.

"I knew way more about the rape than any of these idiots did," said Saccoccia. "Didn't you read the text that Trent [Mays] sent me? I hid the freaking evidence!"

An assistant football coach, an assistant wrestling coach and a teacher at West Elementary are also being charged along with McVey. Saccoccia told us that he feels he should have done more to cover up the story.

"It's not fair," said Saccoccia. "Maybe I should have threatened the little girl into lying. Perhaps I could have tried to bribe [Jefferson County Prosecutor] Tom Straus. I didn't want to try too hard because if I did, this might not have made it court."

Although it remains unclear why Saccoccia wished to be indicted, he mentioned a motivational speech that he gave to the football team earlier this year.

"I told them that next year, I'll be watching the game from a jail cell," he said. "I won't be there with my boys, my second family. So you go out there and win one for me. Go out there and win one for Trent and Malik [Richmond]."

Now it seems that the football team will lack motivation going into next season. Still, the coach says he has to remain optimistic.

"This is going to make for one boring Thanksgiving," he said. "But I'll just have to put on a big smile and weather the storm."

Smithfield Mayor Disappointed by Failure of Space Program Levy

SMITHFIELD - Mayor Ted Boyd had a vision of the future when he took office in 2011. He had an idea that would bring jobs to the small town of Smithfield, which would also provide a much needed boost to its fledgling economy.

"When I was campaigning for mayor, I promised everyone that I would take the community in a whole new direction," Boyd said in an interview today. "I said I would take us upwards. The sky's the limit."

Unfortunately for Boyd, voters didn't seem to take his message literally.

"We spent two years gathering the resources and planning a budget," said Boyd. "I didn't think the enitre town would take 'Reach for the Void, Vote for Boyd' figuratively."

Perhaps that's why voters were shocked when city council proposed a $196 billion tax levy for the village of 896. Had the levy passed, tax payers would each have had to provide on average $282 million per year to construct a space center on the grounds of Friendship Park.

"Obviously, some people were a little upset about having to pay more tax money," said city councilman Rob Warner. "We're just going to have to campaign a little harder next year and work on our transparency in town hall meetings."

The levy failed by a count of 376-0. Boyd points to his failure to connect with minority voters and women as the primary reason.

"I think some people were worried that we weren't going to hire blacks or Hispanics," said Boyd. "That idea is asinine, we would have a huge need for custodians with a space program this big."

Shadyside to Outsource Students to China if Levy Fails

SHADYSIDE - Superintendent John Haswell says that Shadyside Local School District is out of money yet again, and if the levy on Tuesday's ballot does not pass, the results will be disastrous.

"If you do not vote for the levy, I will send your kids to China," said Haswell. "I'm not kidding this time."

The district has lost hundreds of thousands of dollars ever since voters decided to pass a law that allowed it gamble its budget on sporting events. Earlier this year, Haswell lost $50,000 of taxpayer money at the Belmont Stakes, betting for 30-1 long shot Midnight Taboo. Haswell has defended his gambling decisions, saying that other factors can be blamed for the financial mishaps.

"Our stupid school board voted to let the Student Council have control of our budget," said Haswell. "That didn't exactly turn out the way they expected it to."

Over the summer, the Student Council approved construction of an $18 million water park on the high school's campus. Class of 2014 President Kaylee Amoroso said that the water park should pay for itself in 20 years.

"Wheeling Park has one," said Amoroso. "They make money by charging people to get in. As long as we make a million dollars in profit every year, we'll be alright."

Haswell says that the district needs the money now and not later.

"After our losses from construction and betting, we had a budget of $453 this year," he said. "We've had to make a lot of cuts and layoffs. If it gets any worse, we'll have no other option than to send our students overseas."

China is currently paying American schools $2,500 for every student. Haswell says that selling children is the best route to take, because they will have less students to spend money on as well as more money in the bank.

"They won't really tell us what they want with our kids," Haswell said. "But they'll get better education over there anyhow so I could care less."

Polls open on this upcoming Tuesday, November 2.

Death Metal Band Behemoth Visits Sick Children at Wheeling Hospital

WHEELING - Playing music had been a lifelong dream of Allison Richland, a 10-year old from Warwood. Unfortunately, she lost the use of her most of her motor functions after a car accident left her paralyzed. Nine-year old Mitchell Reese of Wheeling Island had always wanted to attend a concert, but a battle with leukemia is forcing him to live in a hospital room. Stories such as these are all too common for the patients of Wheeling Hospital's Center for Pediatrics, some of whom are suffering from terminal conditions. Yesterday, however, the children received some unexpected visitors who brightened their spirits, if just for a moment.

Behemoth, a death metal band from Poland, played a show at Wes Banco Arena and heard about the children at Wheeling Hospital.

"I felt terrible when they told me about those poor kids," said lead singer Adam Darski. "It reminded me of the little girl from our music video for 'Lucifer'."

Darski gathered up the rest of his band and headed over to the hospital to visit the children after the show. The kids were gathered in their play room, and screamed in excitement when the band arrived, sporting their signature demonic clothing and face paint. The children screamed the for the entire duration of Behemoth's visit.

"They never stopped," said Darski, tears streaming down his face. "It was like they were at a real concert."

Behemoth played an acoustic show for the kids; Darski's deep, guttural growls and screams filled the air with melodies of hope and joy. Director Judy Romano said that she thought the meeting was a success.

"Little Allison wanted desperately to see Justin Bieber," said Romano. "But I think this nice rock band did a good job. She was crying the entire time. She must have really liked them."