Student Enters School with Scissors, None Injured

WHEELING - Tragedy was narrowly averted earlier today when a young girl walked into Madison Elementary School (right) armed with a pair  of Fiskars Junior Scissors. This near-disaster takes place with the tragedy at Sandy Hook Elementary still fresh in our minds. School principal Nicolette Kacmarik told OVN that the eight-year old entered the building at 7:15 A.M., which just so happens to be when the rest of the students arrive.

"She came in on a school bus and blended in well with the other students," Kacmarik said. "Nobody could pick her out from the crowd."

The weapon was very carefully concealed within the girl's backpack. Early reports are identifying the suspect as eight-year old Kaitlyn Maher (left), whose teachers said they had no idea she was capable of such moral deficiency.

"She was always very nice," said Hezbollah Studies teacher Mustafa Nazrullah. "She shared with the other students and had lots of friends."

Mr. Nazrullah, two other teachers, and custodian Rusty Cox are being hailed as heroes.

"I walked into the classroom to take out the trash when I saw the little girl trying to cut out a picture of 'My Pretty Pony'," said Cox. "I screamed as loud as I possibly could to alert the school of the situation. Then I ran outside and hid."

The Valley will recognize Cox as a former champion of the West Virginia Toughman Contest. Now he will be remembered for his bravery outside the ring. Authorities arrived promptly to the scene and subdued Maher with a well placed taser shot to the face. Teachers have commented that Maher's motivations were most likely fueled by mental health issues.

"I mean she probably had autism," said teacher Lydia Brown. "Or something like Asperger's Syndrome but we can't really know."

"Kaitlyn Maher had what's known as Attention Deficit Disorder," said math teacher Leroy Jenkins. "It's a very rare disorder and it caused her to go on her rampage." Jenkins heads the Wheeling-wide ADD awareness society.

"I think Kaitlyn had cerebral palsy," said Dorothy Parker, another teacher. "That's why she did it."

The incident turns up the heat on the highly debated scissors control issue. Local residents are worried that they won't be able to purchase scissors in the future.

"This is it," said Wheeling Island resident Dean Fouts. "The liberals and that commie Obama are just going to eat this up. We live in this marshmallow society where one bad thing happens and everything gets screwed up. Well, reality is a S'mores society. Sometimes things get gooey."

"We are guaranteed under the forty-seventh amendment the right to bear scissors," said Francis Sever, another islander. "Obama wants to take away what our forefathers guaranteed to us!"

Currently, federal law only bans the use of automatic assault scissors. We'll continue to follow this story as new developments arise.