Thursday, January 10, 2013

Sheriff Abdalla Eats a Kitten on Live TV

STEUBENVILLE - Sheriff Fred Abdalla has been recently seen followed by a film crew while he is on the job. Speculation was that Abdalla (right) would be a subject on the History Channel's new show Sheriff Wars, but those rumors were shot down during a press conference earlier this week. In fact, as revealed at said press conference, Abdalla will be starring in a new show titled Super Fred that focuses on himself engaging in 'outrageous' behavior.

"We had to think of a way to get the sheriff's popularity back up," said deputy Gunther Hawkins. "He's been called out recently for a number of reasons and we needed the public back on our side."

The pilot episode received widespread acclaim from a number of critics. The New York Times wrote that: "Mr. Abdalla handles the outlandish scenarios with style and aplomb, which is what the community needs from him right now."

The first episode was broadcast live nationally on NBC and featured Abdalla in Naples Spaghetti House, his favorite restaurant. Instead of ordering house favorites such as shrimp pasta or rigatoni, Abdalla simply asked for a live kitten. He then devoured the young feline in front of the horrified Naples crowd while seemingly sending a message to the online community.

"I've been a target of ridicule on the internet lately," said Abdalla. "This'll show them not to mess with Fred."

Adam Richman of the Travel Channel's Man vs Food told reporters that he was humbled by Abdalla's feat.

"I've never seen anything like it," said the shell-shocked Richman. "The thing was scratching the inside of his throat and he didn't even flinch. Heck, he didn't even have a drink!"

Next week's episode of Super Fred will feature Abdalla rollerblading downhill on John Scott Highway towards U.S. route 22 during rush hour against traffic. He will also attempt to jump over the Ohio River on a dirt bike, as well as respond to domestic disturbance calls dressed as Elvis Presley.

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