Di Carlo's Speeds Orders by Not Cooking Food

WHEELING - Di Carlo's Pizza announced today that customers can expect their pizzas to be ready for pickup or delivery in just under 30 seconds due to their revolutionary new method of preparing their food. President Toni DiCarlo says that starting next week, none of the food on the menu will be cooked.

"We sat down and evaluated the entire process from the bottom up," said DiCarlo. "We found that nearly 90 percent of the wait time for our food comes from the cooking process, so we decided to cut that part out."

The move will also save a large amount of money for the company by using less power from the ovens, as well as cutting down on costs associated with maintenance. Profits are expected to double as twice the amount of orders can now be processed. The new look (left) gives the already original pizza a new unique attribute.

"This will be the only place in the valley where you can order uncooked food," DiCarlo continued. "We didn't feel that the square shape and cardboard flavor was enough, so the move only felt like the right one."

Preview tastings were held at various Di Carlo's locations throughout the valley, and so far the public reaction has been overwhelmingly positive.

"The new pizza's great!" said Tiltonsville resident Wally Wonka. "It tastes exactly the same as it did before and they made it a bazillion times faster!"

DiCarlo also said that with the new influx of business, the franchise will introduce a new variety of foods that will also skip the cooking process. The new menu items will include wings, hamburgers, meat loaf and sausage.

EA Sports Announces OVAC Football 14

A big wish came true earlier today for local gamers as Electronic Arts announced the development of their new sports video game OVAC Football 2014, which will shine the spotlight on local high schools. Just like other games released by EA Sports this generation, OVAC Football will be released for Playstation 3, Xbox 360 and Wii U. The cover (right) will feature Martins Ferry standout ball hog Darrius Waterford. EA spokesperson Fritz Haynes says the company hopes that the new series will spark an interest in American football in international markets.

"OVAC Football showcases the true beauty of American football," said Haynes. "The traditions of the various high schools, the competitiveness and the local pride is unchallenged. We hoped to showcase this in the game."

OVAC Football will introduce a number of new features and game modes new to EA football games. Similar to the 'Road to Glory' mode in the NCAA Football series and the 'Superstar' mode in the Madden series, this game will introduce the 'Jock' game mode, which allows players to take control of an up and coming pop-warner star. The player will then be automatically be assigned a high school based on where they live. An option to entice the player's parents to divorce will also be included, allowing the user to change schools. Mini-games to improve the player's abilities include making your cheerleader girlfriend cry in front of the entire hallway and embarrassing less athletic students during gym class.

"We're very proud to introduce 'Jock mode'," said Haynes. "It really captures what it's like to be a high school football stand-out."

Another new game mode will give players the option to assume the role of a middle-school student fan on the sidelines. In this mode one can play a watered-down version of football with their friends while they are at the game, at the same time being berated by older fans who are 'just trying to watch the damn game.' A scrapped game mode would have let the player assume the role of a student in the marching band, but EA had to toss the idea fearing a rating change by the ESRB.

"In order to capture the full spirit of being in the band, we would have to add some...questionable things," Haynes said. "And if we added said 'things' our rating would have changed from 'E for Everyone' to 'M for Mature'."

OVAC Football 14 is set to hit shelves on July 17th.

Sheriff Abdalla Eats a Kitten on Live TV

STEUBENVILLE - Sheriff Fred Abdalla has been recently seen followed by a film crew while he is on the job. Speculation was that Abdalla (right) would be a subject on the History Channel's new show Sheriff Wars, but those rumors were shot down during a press conference earlier this week. In fact, as revealed at said press conference, Abdalla will be starring in a new show titled Super Fred that focuses on himself engaging in 'outrageous' behavior.

"We had to think of a way to get the sheriff's popularity back up," said deputy Gunther Hawkins. "He's been called out recently for a number of reasons and we needed the public back on our side."

The pilot episode received widespread acclaim from a number of critics. The New York Times wrote that: "Mr. Abdalla handles the outlandish scenarios with style and aplomb, which is what the community needs from him right now."

The first episode was broadcast live nationally on NBC and featured Abdalla in Naples Spaghetti House, his favorite restaurant. Instead of ordering house favorites such as shrimp pasta or rigatoni, Abdalla simply asked for a live kitten. He then devoured the young feline in front of the horrified Naples crowd while seemingly sending a message to the online community.

"I've been a target of ridicule on the internet lately," said Abdalla. "This'll show them not to mess with Fred."

Adam Richman of the Travel Channel's Man vs Food told reporters that he was humbled by Abdalla's feat.

"I've never seen anything like it," said the shell-shocked Richman. "The thing was scratching the inside of his throat and he didn't even flinch. Heck, he didn't even have a drink!"

Next week's episode of Super Fred will feature Abdalla rollerblading downhill on John Scott Highway towards U.S. route 22 during rush hour against traffic. He will also attempt to jump over the Ohio River on a dirt bike, as well as respond to domestic disturbance calls dressed as Elvis Presley.

Franciscan U Students Help Unconscious Drunk Girl, Will Receive Some Kind of Award

STEUBENVILLE - A party in the Franciscan University of Steubenville's Padua Hall (right) got a little crazier than the hosting students originally anticipated, with many people gatecrashing the party and bringing more beer. By the end of the night, a girl who had attended the party fell unconscious in the bathroom.

"I walked in to take a pee after most of the party had gone but there was a girl lying on the toilet," said party host Connor Patrick. "I didn't want to pee on her so I moved her off the toilet and into a sitting position against the wall."

When he was done in the restroom, Patrick told his roommates about the girl inside.

"He was really concerned," said roommate Doug Kirkpatrick. "So we went in there to check on her and it didn't look too good."

"She was lying in her own vomit," said Lance Fitzpatrick, another roommate. "She looked pretty pale too."

The three roommates picked the girl up and carried her to their couch where they covered her with blankets and left her a cup of water and a dish to puke in. The fourth roommate returned home a few minutes later.

"I thought her roommate might be worried that she wouldn't be coming home," David Kilpatrick told us. "So I looked her up on Facebook and found her roommate. Then I looked into her phone for the number and called her to tell her what was going on."

The girl, 19 year old Annie Gilpatrick, lives across campus and the male students figured it would not be safe to make her attempt to walk home unconscious. A video of Kirkpatrick bragging about helping the girl to his roommates soon surfaced on Youtube.

"Dudes, she's totally going to be okay," says Kirkpatrick in the video. "She's going to be more okay than Will Smith at the end of Pursuit of Happyness. She's going to be more okay than Middle Earth after the ring was destroyed. She's going to be more okay than Red and Andy Dufresne at the end of The Shawshank Redemption."

The actions of the "Good Samaritan Crew" are being criticized by students' peers on twitter (right). We called local party etiquette expert Michael Nodianos to hear his input on how the students should have proceeded.

"If she's unconscious she's fair game man," said Nodianos. "She's on your floor, that means she's just asking for it. I just don't understand these Frannies bro."

A friend of Nodianos', Cody Saltsman, said that the girl didn't deserve that kind of treatment.

"I have no respect for whores," said Saltsman. "She got drunk, that means she is a whore. Whores aren't worthy of my attention."

We stopped by a few local gas stations to see what area residents had to say about the issue.

"You media types are doing nothing good for this," said Weirton resident Beth Meyers. "All you're doing is covering up the story and not giving it the attention it deserves." She said this while we were covering the story.

"Any girl who gets drunk at a party is just asking for trouble," said Marcus Redford, a local asshole. "She should have had something stolen at least. If she had been raped, she would have been asking for it."

Others felt that Kirkpatrick was being overly smug about helping someone.

"So you carried her to a couch and put some blankets on her. Big deal," said Steubenville native Traci Lords. "What do you want, some kind of award?"

The city of Steubenville later announced that the "Good Samaritan Crew" will receive 'some kind of award' for their kindness.

New Job-Mart Hands Out Free Jobs to Local Homeless People

TRIADELPHIA - A large crowd of homeless people and young teenagers eagerly waited outside the new Job-Mart (right) in the Highlands today, as the highly anticipated arrival of the store brings many new job opportunities to local homeless people. Job-Mart was founded in 1992 to give people who are down on their luck something to do.

"There's a ton of things that people don't understand about getting jobs," said regional director Ferdinand Marcos. "They tell homeless people to get a job but they don't realize the roadblocks that being homeless brings. Businesses usually don't like to hire homeless people, but we'll hire anybody."

In order to be legally employed at a business, a potential employee must fill out a form I-9 to verify that the person is eligible to work in the United States. In order to complete the form, a home address must be provided. Sometimes a home address is hard for homeless people to acquire.

"We forge that part," said Marcos.

A social security number is also required to complete the form I-9. It is reasonable to assume that many homeless people wouldn't know their social security number.

"We forge that part," said Marcos.

Lastly, a person needs to present to an employer with a non-expired form of identification and a form that verifies worker eligibility. A U.S. passport is accepted as establishing both identification and eligibility. A driver's license may be presented, but must be accompanied with a social security card or a birth certificate. A recent report showed that a shocking number of homeless people don't own cars and thus, have no driver's license. They also sparingly travel abroad, so they usually don't have passports either.

"We forge that part," said Marcos.

Job-Mart has a wide variety of jobs available for potential employees. Seen left is Warwood resident Enver Hoxha, whose job is to hammer nails into a wall for eight hours a day. One local resident described how Job-Mart is turning his life around.

"I used to be homeless," said Wheeling man Francois Duvalier. "Until one day a polite gentleman yelled at me to get a job. That thought had never occurred to me before. So I strolled right on into Job-Mart and they just up and handed me a job!"

Duvalier's job at Job-Mart is to play in a pool of paint, as well as dumping glue on kittens.

"We don't really have any revenue," said manager Stephen Harper. "We aren't a business and we don't sell anything, we just hand out jobs for people to do."

4 White People Arrested For Robbing a Convenient Food Mart

WHEELING - Authorities in Wheeling say that a group of white people were arrested earlier today when they held the cashier of a Convenient Food Mart (right) at gunpoint and demanded money from the register and stole a variety of groceries. The cashier, 107 year-old Bessie Cook, said that the white people were wearing masks, but could tell that they were white from the way that they were speaking.

"They sounded out every word they said," said Cook, who doesn't have hair. "Especially the words that ended in 'r', that's how I knew right there."

Surveillance footage shows the white people escaping from the convenience store in a Toyota Prius after knocking Cook to the ground. The fall set off Cook's LifeAlert necklace, notifying the Wheeling Police Department of the situation.

"All senior citizens should have LifeAlert," said Cook.

It did not take police long to track down the suspects.

"I was driving down National Road near Wheeling Park when I heard a car playing very loud music," said officer Allan Barbrady. "When I drove up closer I noticed that the car was occupied by a group of white people listening to Barry Manilow. I promptly pulled them over."

When officers searched the car they found one-hundred dollars worth of stolen Starbucks coffee and soy milk. The suspects matched the description of the perpetrators given in Cook's statement to police. The white people were then taken to the West Virginia Northern Regional Jail. The names of the white people have not yet been released.

Local Anti-Abortion Rally Backfires When God Admits to Being Pro-Choice

ST. CLAIRSVILLE - A pro-life rally in St. Clairsville had hopes of changing abortion law in the state of Ohio, but a visit by the Lord himself polarized the crowd of around 15. The rally was headed by St. Clairsville Church of Christ elder Skip Gooch, who performed the same ritual to summon God as the prophet Elijah did in 1 Kings chapter 18. Gooch built an altar to God at the rally, then brought in a cow from a local farm. The cow was chopped into pieces and thrown into a pit where it was drenched with water. Gooch then asked God to burn the cow and He did. Then, to the delight of the pro-life crowd, Gooch asked God to speak to them about the horrors of abortion.

"Um, I'm actually pro-choice," said Mr. God. "You know, didn't you guys get the whole memo about free will?"

The statements drew many boos and catcalls from the crowd, most of whom would not be swayed from their stance.

"That's not what God meant to say!" said Merriam Webster, an English teacher at St. Clairsville High School. "What He meant to say was that the fetus should have the choice as to whether or not it wants to born."

In an interview with God after the rally, we asked Him to clarify His meaning.

"Ok, I'll try to make this as clear as I possibly can for you people but it's getting frustrating," said Mr. God as he sipped the new winter latte from Starbucks. "I fully support the right of a woman to make the choice to end her pregnancy. I will take care of the baby; leave that to me. I do not give a fetus cognitive perception until the third trimester of pregnancy so it wouldn't feel a thing."

We then showed the interview footage to other people who attended the rally.

"What God said was just a metaphor," said Luke McKinnon. "He always speaks in riddles, that's why I love Him so much."

"What does God know about pregnancy?" said Dr. Stephan Kozar of Wheeling Hospital. "Is He a scientist? No. I am a medical professional and I can tell you that an unborn baby is as good as a birthed one."

One person in the crowd simply accepted God's stance and quietly walked away. A few others refused to believe that God even spoke these words.

"Nope, God didn't say that," said rally-goer Stephanie Anderson. We then replayed the footage on our camera for her. "Nope, he didn't say it," she said as she put her fingers in her ears. "Lalalalala can't hear you!"

West Virginia Schools to Combat Declining Obesity Rates

CHARLESTON - According to West Virginia officials, the health of the state's children is improving. The news could not have come at a worse time for the state's school system, which last month saw an increase in the students' standardized test scores. The West Virginia Department of Education released a statement regarding the matter, saying they will take steps to reverse the recent 'improvements'.

"It's a shame," said West Virginia state superintendent of schools James Phares. "We were getting close to the 65 percent obesity goal that we had set a few years ago but now we are facing another setback."

Several experts blame the weight loss on the bankruptcy of bakery company Hostess.

"Our school's vending machines used to carry all kinds of Hostess foods," said Brooke High School principal  Toni Shute. "But they went out of business and we were forced to put apples and carrots in our vending machines.

Most students were unfavorable of the change to fruits and vegetables in the vending machines, especially after the food sat in the machines for a few days.

"The kids liked the healthy foods at first," said Shute. "But after a couple of days the fruit and veggies began to mold and the children don't like that as much as I do."

Back at the state level, Phares told us to expect some major changes in the near future.

"We're going to replace some classes with new ones," Phares said. "Obviously physical education needs to be thrown out. We're replacing that with World of Warcraft class, which will provide the same team building skills just without the physical stress."

Phares hopes that the new measure can kill two birds with one stone.

"We're looking to replace history classes and English classes with ones that focus on real-life challenges," Phares continued. "We're discussing educating our students on how to shop at Aldi and Big Lots, and hopefully removing those other classes will also drop the test scores."

We are also being told by our inside sources that home economics classes will be overhauled to simply teach students how to properly order delivery food as well as drive-thru etiquette.

Student Enters School with Scissors, None Injured

WHEELING - Tragedy was narrowly averted earlier today when a young girl walked into Madison Elementary School (right) armed with a pair  of Fiskars Junior Scissors. This near-disaster takes place with the tragedy at Sandy Hook Elementary still fresh in our minds. School principal Nicolette Kacmarik told OVN that the eight-year old entered the building at 7:15 A.M., which just so happens to be when the rest of the students arrive.

"She came in on a school bus and blended in well with the other students," Kacmarik said. "Nobody could pick her out from the crowd."

The weapon was very carefully concealed within the girl's backpack. Early reports are identifying the suspect as eight-year old Kaitlyn Maher (left), whose teachers said they had no idea she was capable of such moral deficiency.

"She was always very nice," said Hezbollah Studies teacher Mustafa Nazrullah. "She shared with the other students and had lots of friends."

Mr. Nazrullah, two other teachers, and custodian Rusty Cox are being hailed as heroes.

"I walked into the classroom to take out the trash when I saw the little girl trying to cut out a picture of 'My Pretty Pony'," said Cox. "I screamed as loud as I possibly could to alert the school of the situation. Then I ran outside and hid."

The Valley will recognize Cox as a former champion of the West Virginia Toughman Contest. Now he will be remembered for his bravery outside the ring. Authorities arrived promptly to the scene and subdued Maher with a well placed taser shot to the face. Teachers have commented that Maher's motivations were most likely fueled by mental health issues.

"I mean she probably had autism," said teacher Lydia Brown. "Or something like Asperger's Syndrome but we can't really know."

"Kaitlyn Maher had what's known as Attention Deficit Disorder," said math teacher Leroy Jenkins. "It's a very rare disorder and it caused her to go on her rampage." Jenkins heads the Wheeling-wide ADD awareness society.

"I think Kaitlyn had cerebral palsy," said Dorothy Parker, another teacher. "That's why she did it."

The incident turns up the heat on the highly debated scissors control issue. Local residents are worried that they won't be able to purchase scissors in the future.

"This is it," said Wheeling Island resident Dean Fouts. "The liberals and that commie Obama are just going to eat this up. We live in this marshmallow society where one bad thing happens and everything gets screwed up. Well, reality is a S'mores society. Sometimes things get gooey."

"We are guaranteed under the forty-seventh amendment the right to bear scissors," said Francis Sever, another islander. "Obama wants to take away what our forefathers guaranteed to us!"

Currently, federal law only bans the use of automatic assault scissors. We'll continue to follow this story as new developments arise.