Sunday, July 3, 2011

NFL Drops Colts, Adds Ohio Valley Greyhounds

WHEELING - Chris Mortensen of ESPN wrote earlier this week that an inside source revealed that NFL commissioner Roger Goodell planned to dismiss a team from the league. That team was announced this morning as the Indianapolis Colts. Goodell stated that a certain player on the team was doing more harm for the rest of the league than good.

"The decision to drop the Colts was because of one player *cough* Peyton *cough* Man- *sneeze* ning *cough*," Goodell stated in a media conference. "It's sad to see such a prestigious team leave our wonderful league, but we do have something special up our sleeves."

That special something turned out to be the revival of the Ohio Valley Greyhounds, who disbanded in 2007 after 2 years in the Indoor Football League, 4 years in the National Indoor Football league, and 3 years as a member of United Indoor Football.

"The Greyhounds turned out to be the best fit for the NFL," Goodell continued. "The team has endured many of the same troubles that other NFL teams have had. They just faced a massive flood from a clogged sink, just like the Saints did with their flood caused by a Category 5 hurricane. The citizens of the Ohio Valley suffered a great loss when the team folded, just like the people of Cleveland did when the Browns relocated to Baltimore. Hopefully the Greyhounds will find the same success that the Browns did after their revival."

With the 2011 season scheduled to begin in just a few months, the team is working hard on recruiting new players.

"In order to keep attendance up, we have to sign local players," said team president Sharon Stephan. "People will want to support players that they know and are familiar with."

The Greyhounds are holding tryouts for former football players of the OVAC, as well as football players from local colleges.

"I'm stoked," says former Harrison Central running back Aaron McDavis. "I've been working as a janitor for the past few years, and all I keep thinking about is those good ol' football days. I got a wife and eight kids with her, an ex-girlfriend I owe child support to, and sixty seven unpaid parking tickets. It's safe to say I could use a better job."

Other players we talked to were a little less enthusiastic, citing their past rivalries as too much of a distraction.

"I don't know about this," says former Martins Ferry punter Luke McIntire. "We got a wide receiver and a nose tackle from Buckeye Local and two linebackers from Bellaire. Sharing a locker room with those guys, that just might be too much for me to handle."

A few former OVAC players in the NFL already have expressed interest in returning home.

"Man I would love for my family and friends to be able to see me play every week," said former Bellaire quarterback Nate Davis. "I'm a free agent right now so they're definitely in the running if the price is right."

Davis's agent told us that they hope to reach an agreement worth around 36 billion dollars.

"What can I say? He likes money," the agent told us.

To find out what other players around the NFL thought of this addition, we headed out to Pittsburgh to talk to players about how they will prepare for the new, unfamiliar players.

"We've done a lot of searching on YouTube for footage of their games," said 6 time Pro Bowl safety Troy Polamalu. "There weren't that many videos of the actual teams, just a lot of halftime shows."

"I'm sending a message to the NFL this year," said linebacker James Harrison, who was fined multiple times last year for hits the league deemed illegal. "I'm going to play how I play the game, no exceptions, not even for this new team."

The announcement also further delays the release of Madden NFL 12, which was scheduled for release on August 30th.

"This is bad for business," EA Sports president Peter Moore told us over the phone. "We're already behind on the release date, and now we basically have to rebuild the game around this. Luckily, it won't take too long to make a model of Wheeling. Besides, if we get anything wrong, I'm not sure anyone will notice."

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