Di Carlo's Speeds Orders by Not Cooking Food

WHEELING - Di Carlo's Pizza announced today that customers can expect their pizzas to be ready for pickup or delivery in just under 30 seconds due to their revolutionary new method of preparing their food. President Toni DiCarlo says that starting next week, none of the food on the menu will be cooked.

"We sat down and evaluated the entire process from the bottom up," said DiCarlo. "We found that nearly 90 percent of the wait time for our food comes from the cooking process, so we decided to cut that part out."

The move will also save a large amount of money for the company by using less power from the ovens, as well as cutting down on costs associated with maintenance. Profits are expected to double as twice the amount of orders can now be processed. The new look (left) gives the already original pizza a new unique attribute.

"This will be the only place in the valley where you can order uncooked food," DiCarlo continued. "We didn't feel that the square shape and cardboard flavor was enough, so the move only felt like the right one."

Preview tastings were held at various Di Carlo's locations throughout the valley, and so far the public reaction has been overwhelmingly positive.

"The new pizza's great!" said Tiltonsville resident Wally Wonka. "It tastes exactly the same as it did before and they made it a bazillion times faster!"

DiCarlo also said that with the new influx of business, the franchise will introduce a new variety of foods that will also skip the cooking process. The new menu items will include wings, hamburgers, meat loaf and sausage.

EA Sports Announces OVAC Football 14

A big wish came true earlier today for local gamers as Electronic Arts announced the development of their new sports video game OVAC Football 2014, which will shine the spotlight on local high schools. Just like other games released by EA Sports this generation, OVAC Football will be released for Playstation 3, Xbox 360 and Wii U. The cover (right) will feature Martins Ferry standout ball hog Darrius Waterford. EA spokesperson Fritz Haynes says the company hopes that the new series will spark an interest in American football in international markets.

"OVAC Football showcases the true beauty of American football," said Haynes. "The traditions of the various high schools, the competitiveness and the local pride is unchallenged. We hoped to showcase this in the game."

OVAC Football will introduce a number of new features and game modes new to EA football games. Similar to the 'Road to Glory' mode in the NCAA Football series and the 'Superstar' mode in the Madden series, this game will introduce the 'Jock' game mode, which allows players to take control of an up and coming pop-warner star. The player will then be automatically be assigned a high school based on where they live. An option to entice the player's parents to divorce will also be included, allowing the user to change schools. Mini-games to improve the player's abilities include making your cheerleader girlfriend cry in front of the entire hallway and embarrassing less athletic students during gym class.

"We're very proud to introduce 'Jock mode'," said Haynes. "It really captures what it's like to be a high school football stand-out."

Another new game mode will give players the option to assume the role of a middle-school student fan on the sidelines. In this mode one can play a watered-down version of football with their friends while they are at the game, at the same time being berated by older fans who are 'just trying to watch the damn game.' A scrapped game mode would have let the player assume the role of a student in the marching band, but EA had to toss the idea fearing a rating change by the ESRB.

"In order to capture the full spirit of being in the band, we would have to add some...questionable things," Haynes said. "And if we added said 'things' our rating would have changed from 'E for Everyone' to 'M for Mature'."

OVAC Football 14 is set to hit shelves on July 17th.

Sheriff Abdalla Eats a Kitten on Live TV

STEUBENVILLE - Sheriff Fred Abdalla has been recently seen followed by a film crew while he is on the job. Speculation was that Abdalla (right) would be a subject on the History Channel's new show Sheriff Wars, but those rumors were shot down during a press conference earlier this week. In fact, as revealed at said press conference, Abdalla will be starring in a new show titled Super Fred that focuses on himself engaging in 'outrageous' behavior.

"We had to think of a way to get the sheriff's popularity back up," said deputy Gunther Hawkins. "He's been called out recently for a number of reasons and we needed the public back on our side."

The pilot episode received widespread acclaim from a number of critics. The New York Times wrote that: "Mr. Abdalla handles the outlandish scenarios with style and aplomb, which is what the community needs from him right now."

The first episode was broadcast live nationally on NBC and featured Abdalla in Naples Spaghetti House, his favorite restaurant. Instead of ordering house favorites such as shrimp pasta or rigatoni, Abdalla simply asked for a live kitten. He then devoured the young feline in front of the horrified Naples crowd while seemingly sending a message to the online community.

"I've been a target of ridicule on the internet lately," said Abdalla. "This'll show them not to mess with Fred."

Adam Richman of the Travel Channel's Man vs Food told reporters that he was humbled by Abdalla's feat.

"I've never seen anything like it," said the shell-shocked Richman. "The thing was scratching the inside of his throat and he didn't even flinch. Heck, he didn't even have a drink!"

Next week's episode of Super Fred will feature Abdalla rollerblading downhill on John Scott Highway towards U.S. route 22 during rush hour against traffic. He will also attempt to jump over the Ohio River on a dirt bike, as well as respond to domestic disturbance calls dressed as Elvis Presley.

Franciscan U Students Help Unconscious Drunk Girl, Will Receive Some Kind of Award

STEUBENVILLE - A party in the Franciscan University of Steubenville's Padua Hall (right) got a little crazier than the hosting students originally anticipated, with many people gatecrashing the party and bringing more beer. By the end of the night, a girl who had attended the party fell unconscious in the bathroom.

"I walked in to take a pee after most of the party had gone but there was a girl lying on the toilet," said party host Connor Patrick. "I didn't want to pee on her so I moved her off the toilet and into a sitting position against the wall."

When he was done in the restroom, Patrick told his roommates about the girl inside.

"He was really concerned," said roommate Doug Kirkpatrick. "So we went in there to check on her and it didn't look too good."

"She was lying in her own vomit," said Lance Fitzpatrick, another roommate. "She looked pretty pale too."

The three roommates picked the girl up and carried her to their couch where they covered her with blankets and left her a cup of water and a dish to puke in. The fourth roommate returned home a few minutes later.

"I thought her roommate might be worried that she wouldn't be coming home," David Kilpatrick told us. "So I looked her up on Facebook and found her roommate. Then I looked into her phone for the number and called her to tell her what was going on."

The girl, 19 year old Annie Gilpatrick, lives across campus and the male students figured it would not be safe to make her attempt to walk home unconscious. A video of Kirkpatrick bragging about helping the girl to his roommates soon surfaced on Youtube.

"Dudes, she's totally going to be okay," says Kirkpatrick in the video. "She's going to be more okay than Will Smith at the end of Pursuit of Happyness. She's going to be more okay than Middle Earth after the ring was destroyed. She's going to be more okay than Red and Andy Dufresne at the end of The Shawshank Redemption."

The actions of the "Good Samaritan Crew" are being criticized by students' peers on twitter (right). We called local party etiquette expert Michael Nodianos to hear his input on how the students should have proceeded.

"If she's unconscious she's fair game man," said Nodianos. "She's on your floor, that means she's just asking for it. I just don't understand these Frannies bro."

A friend of Nodianos', Cody Saltsman, said that the girl didn't deserve that kind of treatment.

"I have no respect for whores," said Saltsman. "She got drunk, that means she is a whore. Whores aren't worthy of my attention."

We stopped by a few local gas stations to see what area residents had to say about the issue.

"You media types are doing nothing good for this," said Weirton resident Beth Meyers. "All you're doing is covering up the story and not giving it the attention it deserves." She said this while we were covering the story.

"Any girl who gets drunk at a party is just asking for trouble," said Marcus Redford, a local asshole. "She should have had something stolen at least. If she had been raped, she would have been asking for it."

Others felt that Kirkpatrick was being overly smug about helping someone.

"So you carried her to a couch and put some blankets on her. Big deal," said Steubenville native Traci Lords. "What do you want, some kind of award?"

The city of Steubenville later announced that the "Good Samaritan Crew" will receive 'some kind of award' for their kindness.

New Job-Mart Hands Out Free Jobs to Local Homeless People

TRIADELPHIA - A large crowd of homeless people and young teenagers eagerly waited outside the new Job-Mart (right) in the Highlands today, as the highly anticipated arrival of the store brings many new job opportunities to local homeless people. Job-Mart was founded in 1992 to give people who are down on their luck something to do.

"There's a ton of things that people don't understand about getting jobs," said regional director Ferdinand Marcos. "They tell homeless people to get a job but they don't realize the roadblocks that being homeless brings. Businesses usually don't like to hire homeless people, but we'll hire anybody."

In order to be legally employed at a business, a potential employee must fill out a form I-9 to verify that the person is eligible to work in the United States. In order to complete the form, a home address must be provided. Sometimes a home address is hard for homeless people to acquire.

"We forge that part," said Marcos.

A social security number is also required to complete the form I-9. It is reasonable to assume that many homeless people wouldn't know their social security number.

"We forge that part," said Marcos.

Lastly, a person needs to present to an employer with a non-expired form of identification and a form that verifies worker eligibility. A U.S. passport is accepted as establishing both identification and eligibility. A driver's license may be presented, but must be accompanied with a social security card or a birth certificate. A recent report showed that a shocking number of homeless people don't own cars and thus, have no driver's license. They also sparingly travel abroad, so they usually don't have passports either.

"We forge that part," said Marcos.

Job-Mart has a wide variety of jobs available for potential employees. Seen left is Warwood resident Enver Hoxha, whose job is to hammer nails into a wall for eight hours a day. One local resident described how Job-Mart is turning his life around.

"I used to be homeless," said Wheeling man Francois Duvalier. "Until one day a polite gentleman yelled at me to get a job. That thought had never occurred to me before. So I strolled right on into Job-Mart and they just up and handed me a job!"

Duvalier's job at Job-Mart is to play in a pool of paint, as well as dumping glue on kittens.

"We don't really have any revenue," said manager Stephen Harper. "We aren't a business and we don't sell anything, we just hand out jobs for people to do."

4 White People Arrested For Robbing a Convenient Food Mart

WHEELING - Authorities in Wheeling say that a group of white people were arrested earlier today when they held the cashier of a Convenient Food Mart (right) at gunpoint and demanded money from the register and stole a variety of groceries. The cashier, 107 year-old Bessie Cook, said that the white people were wearing masks, but could tell that they were white from the way that they were speaking.

"They sounded out every word they said," said Cook, who doesn't have hair. "Especially the words that ended in 'r', that's how I knew right there."

Surveillance footage shows the white people escaping from the convenience store in a Toyota Prius after knocking Cook to the ground. The fall set off Cook's LifeAlert necklace, notifying the Wheeling Police Department of the situation.

"All senior citizens should have LifeAlert," said Cook.

It did not take police long to track down the suspects.

"I was driving down National Road near Wheeling Park when I heard a car playing very loud music," said officer Allan Barbrady. "When I drove up closer I noticed that the car was occupied by a group of white people listening to Barry Manilow. I promptly pulled them over."

When officers searched the car they found one-hundred dollars worth of stolen Starbucks coffee and soy milk. The suspects matched the description of the perpetrators given in Cook's statement to police. The white people were then taken to the West Virginia Northern Regional Jail. The names of the white people have not yet been released.

Local Anti-Abortion Rally Backfires When God Admits to Being Pro-Choice

ST. CLAIRSVILLE - A pro-life rally in St. Clairsville had hopes of changing abortion law in the state of Ohio, but a visit by the Lord himself polarized the crowd of around 15. The rally was headed by St. Clairsville Church of Christ elder Skip Gooch, who performed the same ritual to summon God as the prophet Elijah did in 1 Kings chapter 18. Gooch built an altar to God at the rally, then brought in a cow from a local farm. The cow was chopped into pieces and thrown into a pit where it was drenched with water. Gooch then asked God to burn the cow and He did. Then, to the delight of the pro-life crowd, Gooch asked God to speak to them about the horrors of abortion.

"Um, I'm actually pro-choice," said Mr. God. "You know, didn't you guys get the whole memo about free will?"

The statements drew many boos and catcalls from the crowd, most of whom would not be swayed from their stance.

"That's not what God meant to say!" said Merriam Webster, an English teacher at St. Clairsville High School. "What He meant to say was that the fetus should have the choice as to whether or not it wants to born."

In an interview with God after the rally, we asked Him to clarify His meaning.

"Ok, I'll try to make this as clear as I possibly can for you people but it's getting frustrating," said Mr. God as he sipped the new winter latte from Starbucks. "I fully support the right of a woman to make the choice to end her pregnancy. I will take care of the baby; leave that to me. I do not give a fetus cognitive perception until the third trimester of pregnancy so it wouldn't feel a thing."

We then showed the interview footage to other people who attended the rally.

"What God said was just a metaphor," said Luke McKinnon. "He always speaks in riddles, that's why I love Him so much."

"What does God know about pregnancy?" said Dr. Stephan Kozar of Wheeling Hospital. "Is He a scientist? No. I am a medical professional and I can tell you that an unborn baby is as good as a birthed one."

One person in the crowd simply accepted God's stance and quietly walked away. A few others refused to believe that God even spoke these words.

"Nope, God didn't say that," said rally-goer Stephanie Anderson. We then replayed the footage on our camera for her. "Nope, he didn't say it," she said as she put her fingers in her ears. "Lalalalala can't hear you!"

West Virginia Schools to Combat Declining Obesity Rates

CHARLESTON - According to West Virginia officials, the health of the state's children is improving. The news could not have come at a worse time for the state's school system, which last month saw an increase in the students' standardized test scores. The West Virginia Department of Education released a statement regarding the matter, saying they will take steps to reverse the recent 'improvements'.

"It's a shame," said West Virginia state superintendent of schools James Phares. "We were getting close to the 65 percent obesity goal that we had set a few years ago but now we are facing another setback."

Several experts blame the weight loss on the bankruptcy of bakery company Hostess.

"Our school's vending machines used to carry all kinds of Hostess foods," said Brooke High School principal  Toni Shute. "But they went out of business and we were forced to put apples and carrots in our vending machines.

Most students were unfavorable of the change to fruits and vegetables in the vending machines, especially after the food sat in the machines for a few days.

"The kids liked the healthy foods at first," said Shute. "But after a couple of days the fruit and veggies began to mold and the children don't like that as much as I do."

Back at the state level, Phares told us to expect some major changes in the near future.

"We're going to replace some classes with new ones," Phares said. "Obviously physical education needs to be thrown out. We're replacing that with World of Warcraft class, which will provide the same team building skills just without the physical stress."

Phares hopes that the new measure can kill two birds with one stone.

"We're looking to replace history classes and English classes with ones that focus on real-life challenges," Phares continued. "We're discussing educating our students on how to shop at Aldi and Big Lots, and hopefully removing those other classes will also drop the test scores."

We are also being told by our inside sources that home economics classes will be overhauled to simply teach students how to properly order delivery food as well as drive-thru etiquette.

Student Enters School with Scissors, None Injured

WHEELING - Tragedy was narrowly averted earlier today when a young girl walked into Madison Elementary School (right) armed with a pair  of Fiskars Junior Scissors. This near-disaster takes place with the tragedy at Sandy Hook Elementary still fresh in our minds. School principal Nicolette Kacmarik told OVN that the eight-year old entered the building at 7:15 A.M., which just so happens to be when the rest of the students arrive.

"She came in on a school bus and blended in well with the other students," Kacmarik said. "Nobody could pick her out from the crowd."

The weapon was very carefully concealed within the girl's backpack. Early reports are identifying the suspect as eight-year old Kaitlyn Maher (left), whose teachers said they had no idea she was capable of such moral deficiency.

"She was always very nice," said Hezbollah Studies teacher Mustafa Nazrullah. "She shared with the other students and had lots of friends."

Mr. Nazrullah, two other teachers, and custodian Rusty Cox are being hailed as heroes.

"I walked into the classroom to take out the trash when I saw the little girl trying to cut out a picture of 'My Pretty Pony'," said Cox. "I screamed as loud as I possibly could to alert the school of the situation. Then I ran outside and hid."

The Valley will recognize Cox as a former champion of the West Virginia Toughman Contest. Now he will be remembered for his bravery outside the ring. Authorities arrived promptly to the scene and subdued Maher with a well placed taser shot to the face. Teachers have commented that Maher's motivations were most likely fueled by mental health issues.

"I mean she probably had autism," said teacher Lydia Brown. "Or something like Asperger's Syndrome but we can't really know."

"Kaitlyn Maher had what's known as Attention Deficit Disorder," said math teacher Leroy Jenkins. "It's a very rare disorder and it caused her to go on her rampage." Jenkins heads the Wheeling-wide ADD awareness society.

"I think Kaitlyn had cerebral palsy," said Dorothy Parker, another teacher. "That's why she did it."

The incident turns up the heat on the highly debated scissors control issue. Local residents are worried that they won't be able to purchase scissors in the future.

"This is it," said Wheeling Island resident Dean Fouts. "The liberals and that commie Obama are just going to eat this up. We live in this marshmallow society where one bad thing happens and everything gets screwed up. Well, reality is a S'mores society. Sometimes things get gooey."

"We are guaranteed under the forty-seventh amendment the right to bear scissors," said Francis Sever, another islander. "Obama wants to take away what our forefathers guaranteed to us!"

Currently, federal law only bans the use of automatic assault scissors. We'll continue to follow this story as new developments arise.

Steubenville Passes New Rape Exemption Law

STEUBENVILLE - In a historic day for bi-party relations, Steubenville officials from both the Republican and Democratic parties unanimously passed a new city ordinance that allows certain people to be exempt from Ohio Revised Code section 2907.02, which bans rape. Mayor Domenick Mucci (right), has championed this law from the beginning. He received praise from the city of Steubenville after passing a law that allows intoxicated driving within city limits just days after being arrested for the same crime last year. The move won him a new term with 99.9 percent of the vote in an election that saw more voters than there are people in Steubenville. The new rape exemption law seemingly seals his campaign in the next election.

In August, at least two members of the Steubenville Big Red football team raped a 16 year-old girl. The charges against the two football players were later dropped as Big Red coach Reno Saccoccia came to the rescue by paying off the court.

"Raping is how we've managed to be so successful," said Saccoccia, who will receive the Jerry Sandusky Award for Bravery. "It gets the players' testosterone levels up so it's sort of a natural way to do steroids."

Big Red's booster website rollredroll.com was recently hacked into by a terrorist group calling themselves Anonymous. Anonymous is an anti-rape extremist group and tries to force its anti-rape ways onto the public. A statement made on the team's website by webmaster Jim Parks called out the group, calling the allegations 'slanderous and libelous'.

"This group, these terrorists are trying to break a tradition that we've held dear for years in Steubenville," Parks told us as he choked back tears. "When I played for Big Red, I raped at least three students before each game."

Anonymous is also reportedly offended by Mr. Parks' vast collection of child pornography discovered in his e-mail account.

"We can't let this happen again," said Saccoccia, who always puts the well being of the community first. "We've come together as a team and we got this law passed. Now all that's left to do is go out there and win another championship."

The new law allows members of the Steubenville Big Red athletic teams to rape whomever they want to as long as they are intoxicated with alcohol or the school-supplied roofies. Steubenville Catholic Central players will not be permitted to rape people because they are a private school. Bestiality is also permitted to football players as long as the animal involved is a chicken weighing over 4 pounds.

"Chickens are a good substitute for people," said coach Saccoccia. "They have a cloaca, which is sort of like an anus and a vagina mixed together so it adds a whole new dynamic to our game plan."

Pictured right: a cloaca

Carrollton Cancels Game, Creek Plays Anyhow

WINTERSVILLE - Strong defense and proper execution has been a point of emphasis for Indian Creek this season. George Brown scored 87 points last night as he lead the Redskins past the Carrollton Warriors 231-0. All five of Creek's starters had career highs in a less than stellar performance from the Carrollton defense. As seen in the image to the right, (taken with our brand new high-def camera) the Redskins basically played with an open court. The nightmare started early for the Warriors; Fred Smith caught the opening tip and scored a quick layup on the fast break. Carrollton then turned the ball over following a 10-second violation after failing to inbound the ball.

"I'm really proud of the way we played tonight," Indian Creek head coach Joe Dunlevy said. "We played solid defense out there and put up a lot of points."

The treacherous snow storms prevented the Carrollton team from showing up, but that setback did not stop the Redskins, who shot a blistering 94 percent from the field. Carrollton's Roy Hamilton, who averages a respectable 17 points a game, had his worst showing of the season as he put up zero points and zero assists.

"Are you kidding me?" was all Carrollton head coach Matt Voll had to say in a phone interview before hanging up.

On a more positive note, the Warriors did not foul the Redskins once all night, which is something they can build upon. A few parents interviewed on both sides were unhappy that their children did not get to play.

"My son didn't even get to play tonight," said Nancy Levinson. "He never gets in, it's all because he doesn't have the right last name." Her son Earl averages 1 minute a game. The 5 foot 4, 426 pound point guard has not put up a single point in practice all season.

Some Carrollton parents who made the trek through the snow said that they were disappointed in coach Voll's decision to sit the entire team. They also called out Creek coach Dunlevy for running up the score. Up 208-0 with 4 minutes to play, Dunlevy told his bench that they would not see the floor as he signaled to run the fast break offense.

"We play whole game," said Dunlevy. "No excuses. We play until that buzzer rings."

With just a half second left on the clock, the Redskins called timeout and drew up a play. The ball was thrown in to Ned West who hit a three as time expired. The Indian Creek students stormed the court as the players dumped the Gatorade on their coach. They then carried him off the court in a scene where the magic could only be described as cinematic.

Salvation Army Offers Recovered Power Line Shoes to Needy Children

WHEELING - With a new school year underway and winter fast approaching, new shoes are a hot commodity. Sadly, many local families are too poor to accommodate new shoes in their budget. In fact, new shoes even drove at least seven into bankruptcy. However, The Salvation Army in Wheeling has come up with a plan to provide shoes to hundreds of kids this fall. Chairman Paul Shepard told us how the plan came to action.

"Every time I take a walk through downtown or Heritage Trail," said Shepard, "I see countless shoes dangling from the power lines. Several pairs of shoes just hanging there with no feet in them. I'm going to do the city a favor by cleaning them up and giving them to children."

The suggestion was met with widespread praise throughout the area.

"There's been a pair of shoes outside my apartment window for six years," says Wheeling resident Helen Sawyer. "I used to just watch them sit out there during the thunderstorms, and now my little boy gets to wear them. It's beautiful."

"After school, my friends like to go to the store down the road to buy candy," said 12 year old Michael Freeman. "But I can't go in because the sign says 'No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service'. But I can go in now!"

The Salvation Army told us that each pair of shoes will come with a complimentary can of Febreeze to deal with odor problems. They also announced plans to set up a marketing campaign to spread word. NBA All-Star Lebron James told reporters that he received an endorsement.

"I really respect The Salvation Army and what they're doing for the kids," said James. "It's a great opportunity for them, and a little extra spending money in my pocket."

James later tweeted saying that he will wear a pair of power line shoes during every game of the upcoming season should the NBA lockout subside.

While the program will help shoe-less children in the short run, Shepard told us that the real intentions of the program are to promote safety.

"Unfortunately we will run out of shoes, and yes, we are going to prevent new shoes from getting up there in the first place," Shepard said. "The shoes get up there because kids like to play on the power lines. They fall off and their shoes get caught up there. We're going to stop that."

The Salvation Army and AEP are working together to install railings on every power line in America.

Local High Schools Prepare for Upcoming Sports Season

The summer heat is rampaging all across the Ohio Valley, but that isn't stopping local high school sports teams from practicing at one hundred percent in order to prepare for the upcoming season. In particular, Steubenville Big Red's shooting team got in its first practice of the summer this morning, and we got a chance to see senior standout Daequon Butler (left) first hand. The three year letterman is coming off of a strong 2010 season, and told us that he may head straight to the pros right out of college.

"Yea I got like a bunch of different offers of all sorts I got to consider before I think about college," says Butler. "Today a scout from the Crips was here lookin' at me, said I got a good future with them."

Big Red coach Jim Fisher told us that although Butler is a sure lock to go pro, he still has to keep his mind on where he is now.

"He's got the rest of his life to think about being a Crip, Blood, or Chicago Boy," Fisher said. "We're trying to keep our focus on Big Red right now. If he does that, he might end up getting an offer from the FBI."

Fisher took an unorthodox approach to practice this morning, by making his team rob a local downtown grocery store. Five of the students were arrested.

"That's how we make our cuts," Fisher added. "If you can't rob a store, maybe you're a better fit for the Chess Club. We need only the best to compete with Edison this year."

Steubenville's arch-rival, the Edison Wildcats (right), were hard at work today as well. Edison coach Preston Adams told us that the rivalry was started because the two teams use opposite techniques.

"We shoot our guns by looking down the sights," said Adams. "It's a much better way to ensure that you hit your target. Steubenville on the other hand, they shoot their guns by holding them sideways. It's less accurate, but you get the shot off quicker."

Other schools across the Valley are making some changes for the upcoming year. In a trip over to Weirton, West Virginia, we got to meet Tokey (left), the new mascot for the Weir High Fighting Stoners. The mascot was selected by the students from a shortlist of four that included Tokey, Bud the Bud, Kiefer the Kief, and Smokey. The change is part of a whole 're-imaging' program for the school, which was forced to drop its logo after a lawsuit from The University of Wisconsin-Madison. The school then settled on a marijuana leaf, but had to change that as well after The Ohio State University threatened legal action.

The logo dispute is reminiscent of the earlier incident involving the Buckeye Local School District and Anheuser-Busch. Despite the imminent lawsuit, the school's football team is keeping their minds on the field. Head football coach Anthony Barsch discussed with us some problems that the team faced with scheduling games this year.

"We were originally supposed to play Youngstown East in week two," said Barsch. "But our AD Sam Jones told me that they called in and said they didn't want to play us anymore because it would take at least a 92 point win in order for the win to mean anything because we were so bad last year."

Luckily for Barsch and the Panthers, Jones had a very unique solution.

"I got a hold of a team from Grove City that said they would be delighted to play us," said Jones. "It's just what both of our teams were looking for, a very competitive game."

Jones found the team by way of a want ad on Craigslist. The team, the Grove City Cowboys (right), is a Pop-Warner powerhouse and is expected to be at least a 3-1 favorite.

This Year's Anti-Jamboree Statuses Exceed Attendance

FACEBOOK - Jamboree in the Hills wrapped up earlier this week, which means that the Valley will slip back into a depression once again. Notwithstanding the major economic influx that the festival brings to the area, many people take to social media to show their distaste. In fact, a student from MIT recently pulled together a stat that will shock many. The number of statuses on Facebook and Twitter actually surpassed the amount of people who attended the event.

"It is quite amazing," said Matthew McDooglestein, the student who worked this all out. "There is a substantial amount of people who care enough about not caring about Jambo that they all got this urge to tell the world that they don't care. What's even more surprising is that nobody cares that that person doesn't care!"

The anomaly actually created a hole in the space time continuum, but because nobody cared about it either, it just sadly disappeared. The day before Jamboree in the Hills has now officially been dubbed as "National I Don't Care Day", where everyone gets to express how much they don't care about anything.

"I went to Jamboree in the Hills," said an anonymous person who randomly called us today. "But I only went to see Ron Retzer."

Retzer's performance was the only one to nearly top the amount of 'I Don't Care' statuses, especially when he played his hit song "Paddling My Boat Down a Creek", which is also the only Retzer song to contain profanity. Jambo officials told us that they are working on overhauling next year's show.

"We're working on overhauling next year's show," said chairman Bob Jacobs, who obviously lacks creativity. "We're working on setting up a duet with Toby Keith and Lil Wayne, a set with 3OH!3, and a country performance from Justin Bieber."

Usain Bolt Wins Redneck Run

MORRISTOWN - This year's Jamboree in the Hills kicked off in the usual fashion yesterday morning with the traditional "Redneck Run". The sprinting competition is held every morning of Jamboree in the Hills, and showcased some of the finest athletes that the Valley has to offer. Yesterday's winner was not, however, a resident of the Ohio Valley. The race was won by Jamaican Olympic gold medalist Usain Bolt, who showed up for the race five minutes before it started. Bolt made it to the stage first, nearly a full minute ahead of second place finisher Billy Ray Hopkins. Hopkins told us that he was humbled by his defeat.

"I tell you what," Hopkins said, "I ain't never seen no person run that fast ever in my life. 'Cept for when ole Harry Rawlings down the road chased that possum out his garden."

The race (right) is being replayed on many sports channels such as ESPN, many of whom are downplaying Bolt's performance.

"If you look closely at the replay footage," says analyst Adam Schefter, "you can see that Bolt isn't weighed down by any blankets or chairs. In fact, he didn't even bring any beer! No one goes to Jambo without beer."

Bolt told us in his post race interview that he wanted to set a new standard.

"Nobody run this race without beer before," said Bolt. "I ran it without beer. I ran it and I won it."

Bolt's prize for winning the race is a full pass to Jamboree in the Hills, and yes, free beer all weekend.

Local Children Transformed Into Legos

BELLAIRE - The Plastic Brick Museum in Bellaire has been a mystery to many for ages. Nearly thirty years ago, the museum fired its entire staff and closed its gates forever. Ever since, nobody has been seen going in, or coming out. This was a move that baffled local residents and leading experts in the museum field. The people of Bellaire told us that the museum should have collapsed upon itself.

"I don't know what they were trying to pull," said Danny Morell. "I mean, it's not like when Willy Wonka's factory shut down. This is a museum, locking people out defeats the purpose."

 The owner of the museum then made national headlines when he announced that he would let 5 lucky children inside. 5 golden tickets were placed inside select boxes of Legos at local Wal-Mart stores. St. Clairsville Wal-Mart employee Gordon Hewitt told us that this was unapproved by his managers.

"Whoever did this just walked in, opened a box of Legos and put the ticket in there," said Hewitt. "I just pulled the ticket out and gave it to my little cousin."

The children entered the museum early Tuesday morning. When they came out, however, they were no longer children. The front doors opened at 5:30 in the afternoon, and out ran 5 Lego people to rejoin their parents (right). The museum's owner, Dan Brown, told us that the whole stunt was a test for a new machine that turned children into Lego people.

"I started off the tour as conventional as any other," said Brown. "Then I threw in a crazy twist that I bet none of them could see coming!"

When word broke about what had happened to the children, the museum was flooded with thousands of excited kids wishing to be turned into their favorite movie characters.

"I wanna be Indiana Jones!" shouted a voice from the crowd.

"Turn me into Justin Bieber!" yelled another.

Mr. Brown is charging $25 for each transformation, which is permanent.

NFL Drops Colts, Adds Ohio Valley Greyhounds

WHEELING - Chris Mortensen of ESPN wrote earlier this week that an inside source revealed that NFL commissioner Roger Goodell planned to dismiss a team from the league. That team was announced this morning as the Indianapolis Colts. Goodell stated that a certain player on the team was doing more harm for the rest of the league than good.

"The decision to drop the Colts was because of one player *cough* Peyton *cough* Man- *sneeze* ning *cough*," Goodell stated in a media conference. "It's sad to see such a prestigious team leave our wonderful league, but we do have something special up our sleeves."

That special something turned out to be the revival of the Ohio Valley Greyhounds, who disbanded in 2007 after 2 years in the Indoor Football League, 4 years in the National Indoor Football league, and 3 years as a member of United Indoor Football.

"The Greyhounds turned out to be the best fit for the NFL," Goodell continued. "The team has endured many of the same troubles that other NFL teams have had. They just faced a massive flood from a clogged sink, just like the Saints did with their flood caused by a Category 5 hurricane. The citizens of the Ohio Valley suffered a great loss when the team folded, just like the people of Cleveland did when the Browns relocated to Baltimore. Hopefully the Greyhounds will find the same success that the Browns did after their revival."

With the 2011 season scheduled to begin in just a few months, the team is working hard on recruiting new players.

"In order to keep attendance up, we have to sign local players," said team president Sharon Stephan. "People will want to support players that they know and are familiar with."

The Greyhounds are holding tryouts for former football players of the OVAC, as well as football players from local colleges.

"I'm stoked," says former Harrison Central running back Aaron McDavis. "I've been working as a janitor for the past few years, and all I keep thinking about is those good ol' football days. I got a wife and eight kids with her, an ex-girlfriend I owe child support to, and sixty seven unpaid parking tickets. It's safe to say I could use a better job."

Other players we talked to were a little less enthusiastic, citing their past rivalries as too much of a distraction.

"I don't know about this," says former Martins Ferry punter Luke McIntire. "We got a wide receiver and a nose tackle from Buckeye Local and two linebackers from Bellaire. Sharing a locker room with those guys, that just might be too much for me to handle."

A few former OVAC players in the NFL already have expressed interest in returning home.

"Man I would love for my family and friends to be able to see me play every week," said former Bellaire quarterback Nate Davis. "I'm a free agent right now so they're definitely in the running if the price is right."

Davis's agent told us that they hope to reach an agreement worth around 36 billion dollars.

"What can I say? He likes money," the agent told us.

To find out what other players around the NFL thought of this addition, we headed out to Pittsburgh to talk to players about how they will prepare for the new, unfamiliar players.

"We've done a lot of searching on YouTube for footage of their games," said 6 time Pro Bowl safety Troy Polamalu. "There weren't that many videos of the actual teams, just a lot of halftime shows."

"I'm sending a message to the NFL this year," said linebacker James Harrison, who was fined multiple times last year for hits the league deemed illegal. "I'm going to play how I play the game, no exceptions, not even for this new team."

The announcement also further delays the release of Madden NFL 12, which was scheduled for release on August 30th.

"This is bad for business," EA Sports president Peter Moore told us over the phone. "We're already behind on the release date, and now we basically have to rebuild the game around this. Luckily, it won't take too long to make a model of Wheeling. Besides, if we get anything wrong, I'm not sure anyone will notice."

Brilliant's Xtreme Honda Issues Recall on Motorcycle Air Conditioners

BRILLIANT - Xtreme Honda of Brilliant announced earlier today that they will recall the air conditioners that they installed on select Honda motorcycles. The move comes after intense pressure from the Ohio Department of Transportation and local municipal courts. In a press release issued today, ODOT explained that the climate control system was responsible for nearly 300 deaths in the Ohio Valley. That sobering number is roughly 89% of customers who purchased the system. ODOT Director Jerry Wray told us that enough is enough.

"We usually don't put our foot down like this in Ohio until there a few thousand deaths, but it's costing us a lot of money to clean up the bodies on the roadways, especially those caused by air conditioning accidents."

The air conditioning units shot 15 degree temperatures at 175 miles per hour at the rider in order to compensate for the open air environment. Most of the deaths came from bikers being ejected from their seats, but there were also a few reported incidents of hypothermia, and others where the riders' hands would freeze to the handlebars.

"When the hands get frozen," Wray said. "They make it impossible to disengage the throttle, and at that point you just can't stop the bike until you wreck into something. This is why so many bikers drive so fast."

Xtreme Honda stated that they did not foresee these problems, but will develop a safer system in the future.

"Trust me," Xtreme Honda owner Rick Buchanan told us. "The safety of our riders is our top priority. The next generation of motorcycle air conditioners will feature temperatures at 33 degrees, which will solve the freezing problem. To compensate for that change, the air speed will be increased to 200 miles per hour and buyers will receive a free Bowflex so they can be strong enough to hang on."

Local Towns Consolidate For Some Reason

STEUBENVILLE - It was an exciting day for the Valley as five different towns in Jefferson County consolidated to form two new towns. In southern Jefferson County, Rayland, Tiltonsville, and Yorkville merged together to officially be known as YTR. The other new town is a combination of Empire and Stratton, which will be known as The Stratton Empire. While the residents of YTR will hold a new election to determine a mayor, The Stratton Empire will function as a monarchy. The king, King Cletus MDCXIV, will take up residence in Stratton Castle (above), where the town will also function. The king gave a speech to his peasants after his coronation this afternoon.

"Hey ya'll we're one place now," the king exclaimed. "We ain't going to have no problems no more with whatever we had problems with, y'know, because we hold these truths to be self evidence and all!"

After his speech, King Cletus let us past the Royal Guards for an interview.

"Well before we got to be a kingdom we were two places," the king told us. "My sister Mary-Lou lived over there in Empire, and my brother Cletus (now Prince Cletus) lived there too. And my pa, who's another Cletus like my brother and me, he lived over there in that outhouse. But anyhow, everyone thought we were from different places, even though my sister Lorna's my neighbor. So, we thought hell with it!"

Meanwhile, the new town of YTR was having a celebration at Buckeye Local's WWII Memorial Stadium.

"We're awfully proud to host the grand opening of YTR today," said mayor-elect Ralph Custer. "We put up new road signs today (right). There's plenty of free rigatoni for everyone, and we brought 'Kurt James Fun and Games' for the kids."

Unfortunately, bringing in 'Kurt James Fun Games' turned out to be bad plan for the festivities, as the town was quickly overrun by thousands of local children wanting to play on the inflatable activities.

"The kids' parents ate all the rigatoni," Custer told us later. "So we had to shut the party down early before people got angry."

Mix Up Leads to Bloody Firefight Between Police Departments

WINTERSVILLE - A massive firefight erupted along State Route 43 on the border of Wintersville and Steubenville at around 5:30 in the evening and continued until nearly midnight. On one side was Wintersville Police Department. On the other, the Steubenville Police Department. When the gunshots finally came to halt, all anyone could do was stare in bewilderment. That's when Ohio Valley News stepped in to put together the pieces. We talked to Steubenville Police Chief Gordon Franklin to ask what his officers were doing when the shooting broke out.

"Well we were basically running an undercover prostitution sting," said Franklin. "We had a female officer posing as a hooker, and then a white SUV pulled up and grabbed her. We followed the car to Wintersville and made our move there. All of the sudden, a bunch of other cars came around the corner and before we knew it, we were being shot at."

When we talked to Wintersville Police Chief Don Jefferson, he offered up a shockingly similar story.

"Well we were basically running an undercover prostitution sting," said Jefferson. "We had a male officer posing as a client in a white SUV, and he picked up the first hooker he saw. A bunch of cars started following our officer so we moved in and before we knew it, we were being shot at."

The firefight started as a small skirmish until both sides called in for back up. In just under an hour, Wintersville had become a war zone.

"We called in a helicopter," said Jefferson. "But so did they and the two choppers started to fight. We brought in our dogs, but they did too. Luckily, all the dogs did was sniff each others butts and lick the other officers while we were trying to shoot."

The carnage was brought to an end when the local Bloods gang showed up and subdued the officers. It was only then that the police officers realized they were fighting fellow law enforcement. The two departments then turned and arrested the Bloods for assaulting police officers.

"At least at the end of the day we got something right," said Franklin. "We'll be taking steps to make sure this doesn't happen in the future."

In the end, 26 police officers were killed, 59 were wounded, 77 civilians were killed and 85 were injured. In addition, 63 houses were either damaged or destroyed.

"We all lost a lot," said Roy Lucas, a resident of Wintersville. "We could care less about our homes, but they destroyed the Riesbecks's."

The Riesbeck's was being used as a bunker for Wintersville police until the Steubenville cops fired a missile and reduced the store to a pile of rubble.

"I lost my wife and my grandkids," said Lucas. "But worst of all is that now I'm forced to shop at Wal-Mart."

'Retrospective' Grammy Award Issued to Panhandle Cleaning & Restoration

WHEELING - The 53rd Grammy Awards have been over for months, but that doesn't mean that the National Academy of Recording Arts and Sciences (NARAS) can't give out new awards. It was announced today that Panhandle Cleaning & Restoration has won the Grammy Award for 'Best Song in a Commercial' for their local hit We're Gonna Save You. Many local residents were outraged when this afternoon's episode of Judge Judy was interrupted for the sudden announcement. However, when it was revealed that a Grammy Award was coming to a local business, a gigantic standing ovation could be heard across the Valley. In fact, the standing ovation even registered a 3.6 on the Richter scale. Still, the question lingered: Why was the award suddenly issued in the first place? To answer that question, we called George Flanigen, the chairman of the board of the NARAS.

"I was actually just in Wheeling, West Virginia the other day," said Flanigen. "I flew out there to go on vacation at Oglebay Park, and then I heard this wonderful song on the radio. Now, being out in California, I'd never heard this song before and I just had to give it the recognition it deserves."

The unconventional move was praised by music critics all across the internet.

"With most of the awards and nominations going out to Justin Bieber, Lady Gaga, and Arcade Fire, this song definitely fits the mold for a Grammy," wrote music critic Barty Pistacio. "I can't stop listening to it!"

"A hint of Radiohead, a bit of Bon Iver, and a touch of Animal Collective," read a review from Pitchfork Media. "This is definitely the song that will define our generation."

"The lyrics just speak to me," said Robert Christgau. "We got it down to a science, absolute state of art. That is pure genius."

After the announcement, the song was suddenly certified 55x Platinum in the United States, and amassed a total sales figure of 177 million worldwide. We're Gonna Save You has officially become Panhandle Cleaning & Restoration's main source of revenue. It has also been revealed that a dubstep remix will be released by Skrillex, as well as an auto-tuned version by the Gregory Brothers (famous for their remix 'Bed Intruder Song' with Antoine Dodson). The original version of the song is below.

Snowbird Arrested on Child Molestation Charges

STEUBENVILLE - "Ladies and gentlemen, we got him." These words will forever echo in the halls of the Jefferson County Jail. They were spoken by none other than Sheriff Fred Abdalla, after his department brought in the highest profile child molestation suspect of our time. Snowbird, the infamous pseudo-penguin, was arrested late tonight after he was accused of molesting hundreds of children and raping many elderly people in the Ohio Valley from as early as 1987. He was detained by a sheriff's deputy who spotted Snowbird's vehicle heading north on State Route 7 just south of Steubenville. He was also charged with a count of DUI. When word of the capture broke, the sheriff's department called together a sudden press conference, where the news was made official.

"We have been after him for many years," Abdalla told reporters. "He knew it too, and that had helped him evade us for so long."

The sheriff then showed the media a slideshow and timeline of events using a state-of-the art version of Microsoft PowerPoint. The presentation showed us the unparalleled tactics that the bird used to separate children from their parents.

"He knew how to get kids all alone," said Abdalla. "He would first cancel school so the children would have to stay home. Then, he would wait for both parents to go to work. Sometimes he would stake out a few houses and then cancel school the next day as well, just so he could be sure the area was secure enough for him to get away."

This strategy worked for many years, as Snowbird was a master of keeping the children from telling their parents.

"He told me that if I told my parents, we would never have a snow day again," said Tyler Spokes, a 1996 graduate of Union Local High School who attended the conference. "It worked; don't think any different of me. I was eleven years old. What eleven year old wants to go to school?"

The sheriff's department grew suspicious of Snowbird when he moved from cancelling schools to shutting down other things as well.

"He got greedy," said Abdalla. "He began to cancel things like 'Belmont Senior Services', saying that there would be no meal deliveries for that day. In fact, Snowbird would show up with the meals. It was then that he went on his spree of raping old people."

Snowbird used the same tactic on the elderly, saying that if word got out, the meal deliveries would cease. This proved successful at first, because most of the Valley was oblivious to Snowbird's actions as they would wait for their school district to show up on the never ending 'Snowbird Report'.

"It was getting pretty ridiculous," said Kelly Donacelli, a mother whose children attend Brooke County Schools. "There were literally hundreds of schools and services on the list. We were glued to the t.v. for hours!"

The plan eventually backfired when people began to question why there were so many cancellations in the first place. Evidence also began to stack up after the children would graduate and not worry about school cancellations. Most were coy, while others' stories were dismissed as hoaxes. Still, suspicion built. It was only until yesterday when a major slip up by Snowbird occurred.

"Yesterday, he cancelled a Beatles Concert in Wheeling, a flight from Adena to Margaritaville, and Shadyside Local Schools," Abdalla announced. "We knew he was drunk because Shadyside is on summer vacation. So we called him up on his cell phone and asked him if he'd ever molested children. He told us he did, and also told us about the elderly people as well. That's when we tracked him down."

The arrest was met with intense protest from preteens on Myspace. The vast majority exclaiming their distaste on never having a snow day again. However, there were some people who had a different take on the situation. Indian Creek superintendent Mark Furda posted a tweet on twitter:

"Who the hell is Snowbird?"

2011 Tour de Valley Underway

WHEELING - It's that time of year again, the 2011 running of the Tour de Valley took place early this morning nearly 500 of the world's most talented cyclists departed from downtown Wheeling. The race is one of the most prestigious in the entire world, attracting riders from every continent. The start of the race marked the end of the pre-race festival held annually in Wheeling before the race begins. This year's festival, however, had to be held on a large number of rafts, as the city is still underwater from the McMahon sink flood. That did not stop the event's die hards though.

"I've come to every single festival for the past two years," local resident Moana Jenkins told us. "I brought a couple of my kids with me, but I left my husband at home because he needs to fix my dang clothesline."

The festivities began last weekend, with rigatoni dinners every night, live bands, and carnival food vendors. Legendary recording artist B.E. Taylor even made an appearance, drawing in a record setting crowd of 30. After his show, the riders were introduced, from favorite Alberto Contador to local hero Moondog. The race was delayed early on by controversy surrounding another local rider by the name of Russel 'Rottweiler' Jones for attempting to enter the race riding a 2003 Harley-Davidson motorcycle. Jones told OVN that the rules should be clearer in the future.

"They didn't say nothin' about me bringing a motorcycle in the rulebook," said Jones. "All it said was that I had to bring my own bike. Well this is the only bike I got so what did they expect?"

The race continued on without interruption. The only difference in this year's course from last year's is that the first 10 miles of the race will be held in the left lane of Interstate 70 instead of the right due to road work.

"It makes the race a little more exciting," said event manager David Rutledge. "Aside from dealing with the many other riders, the competitors will have to dodge oncoming traffic at 65 miles per hour."

The race will turn to the north once the riders hit St. Clairsville, run through many back roads until it reaches Steubenville, cross the river to Weirton and finally run down Route 2 into Wheeling. Local residents say they will be helping out the riders as they pass by their houses.

"I know them boys will be thirsty," said Barton resident Lawrence Kipler. "I'm setting up a drink stop where I'll be handing 'em some cold beers as they're passin' by."

EXTRA! EXTRA! READ ALL ABOUT IT!

OVN HEADQUARTERS - Ohio Valley News is proud to announce the launch of our very own Facebook page! Hooray! Visit the link, which is that thing where the words are different colors, for all you non savvy Valley people. Or another thing you can do is click our brand new 'like' button above. You should probably do that now, that way you don't forget. Our page will let you know ahead of time when stories are posted, making things easier for everyone. Be sure to visit the page to keep up to date with all the breaking news in the Ohio Valley, talk to other people who like us too, and let us know what you think! Oh, and be sure to invite your friends and 'share' the page, that way everyone else can stay informed on what's not happening in the Valley.

Eyewitness Account Makes Bigfoot the Main Suspect in Bank Robbery

MARTINS FERRY - As the dust settles after this morning's robbery of the PNC Bank in Martins Ferry, new evidence begins to surface every minute. Police say that a witness (whose identity remains anonymous) gave her description to investigators, and the sketch (left) reveals Bigfoot to be the new main suspect. Police responded to the scene at about ten o'clock this morning, but by that time Bigfoot was long gone. It was reported that Bigfoot got away with over 15 million dollars, just under the total annual income of the city's population combined.

The police brought in artist Brittany Sherman, a 1st grader at Anna Marie Ayers Elementary School, to draw up the sketch from the witnesses' descriptions. Sherman made the breakthrough sketch (right) that lead to the arrest of Michael Pendleton (below the sketch on right) last fall. This is one of the reasons lead police investigator Jerry Kozlowski says he's confident that the department will come through and catch their suspect.

"We've got a whole team together analyzing the surveillance footage," he said. "We'll be working on this as long as it takes."

He then, exclusively for Ohio Valley News, laid out the entire timeline of the robbery and all the clues discovered at the scene.

"Here we see Bigfoot walk into the bank at around 8:15 in the morning," Kozlowski stated as he showed us camera footage. "He does a really good job of not blowing his cover here."

Bigfoot stood at the back of the line, where he waited for nearly half an hour to make his way to the teller.

"Most people lose their temper when the lines are moving as slow as they were today," said Jessica Roper, the teller who greeted Bigfoot. "But not him, he just stood there looking as friendly as ever."

When he made it to the front of the line, however, Bigfoot showed his unfriendly side.

"As we skip ahead in the footage," Kozlowski said as he fast forwarded the surveillance tape. "We see Bigfoot pull out a military issued M4A1 assault rifle and move everyone to the back of the bank."

As the footage rolled on, Bigfoot tied up the witnesses and made his move for the money. His destination, however, was not the vault where the cash was kept.

"Here we see him heading into the management offices," Kozlowski continued. "The locks on these doors require a number password or keycard entry, but he brought along a PDA and cracked into the door."

Bigfoot's PDA, an HP iPAQ (such as the one on the right), was recovered on the scene. Unfortunately for investigators, all data was cleared and the device was useless.

"When he gained access to the offices, well it was easy picking at that point," said Kozlowski.

It was at that time when Bigfoot sat down, hacked into the bank's database and transferred 15 million dollars to an offshore bank account.

"We're obviously dealing with a professional," Kozlowski said. "Our first move is going to be to move in on his last known location."

The last prominent sighting of Bigfoot came in 1967, with the release of the infamous Patterson-Gimli film (still image on left).

"That video was shot in northern California," stated Kozlowski. "So some of the investigators and I will be heading out there tomorrow morning to nab him."

The investigators must wait for the court to issue a search warrant for the forest where Bigfoot lives. Tomorrow morning, the team will set out to make the cross country journey, and they will be well prepared.

"I packed them each a couple of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches," said Ruth Kozlowski, Detective Kozlowski's 87 year old mother. "There's also plenty of snacks in there for them to share, and some games for them to play if they get bored."

Clogged Sink Causes Massive Flooding in Wheeling

WHEELING - Despite being months away from flood season, the Ohio River rose up and swallowed Wheeling Island early yesterday morning in what is expected to be the most devastating flood that the region has ever seen. The flood began as water began spewing out of the McMahon residence on South York Street. Unfortunately for the citizens of Wheeling, the McMahons were on a 3 week vacation in Kosovo. Residents became aware of the clogged sink when Ryan McMahon tweeted, "LOL i think i left sink on hahaha." The tweet came a week after the McMahons left the valley, but water began gushing out nearly 5 days beforehand.

"I didn't think anything of it at first," said neighbor Bryan Callahan. "There's always water coming from their house."

"The water started to come out a few days ago," said Dillon Constantin, the McMahons' other neighbor. "It filled up the river, then moved out to the street."

"I was gonna go in and see if I could shut their water off," said Florence Davidson, another neighbor. "But I didn't want to go in without telling them and they weren't answering their phones."

"When I went to bed last night, my bed was on the floor like it usually is," said Ingrid Newcastle, yet another neighbor. "When I woke up this morning my face was a few inches from the ceiling because my bed was floating in the water!"

The water levels continue to rise at this time, as the McMahon residence is now completely submerged, rendering the faucet unreachable.

"FEMA was supposed to send in a group of divers yesterday," mayor Andy McKenzie said. "But I got a call from Janet Napolitano today and she asked me for directions."

Despite the setbacks, the Wheeling city council has looked to other means of handling the situation.

"We found Michael Phelps hanging out with Moondog yesterday," McKenzie told us. "We asked him to swim down into the house this morning and see if he could shut the water off."

When we asked if Phelps (with Moondog on right) had made any progress, McKenzie said that there haven't been any signs.

"He's been down there for about 12 hours," McKenzie said. "But I'm sure he's all right."

In the meantime, tens of thousands of displaced people are being packed into WesBanco Arena.

"WesBanco arena has a capacity of 5,500 people," said Anthony Collins, a janitor in the arena. "We put around 46,000 people inside it. It really shows you what the people of Wheeling can do when we have to."

As a means to keep people content in the arena, the city is hosting a nonstop Bingo tournament. The money made from the event will help sponsor the relief effort for the Japanese tsunami.

Watch Your Speed! Smithfield PD Unveils New Cruiser

SMITHFIELD - The Smithfield Police Department showed off its brand new police car to reporters earlier this afternoon. The car, a 1955 Chevrolet Bel-Air (left), is set to take to the streets of the 1 square mile town starting next week while the police department waits for it to be shipped from India. In the meantime, the streets of Smithfield will remain unpatrolled. Police chief Billy Bobson told us that the town's officers are happy to finally have a car again.

"Most of our officers are pretty out of shape," said Bobson. "Ever since we lost our last two cars, we've had to patrol the streets with scooters."

The police scooters such as the one on the right reached a maximum of seven miles per hour, which isn't anywhere near the speed that the department said it needed to keep the streets safe.

"We've had people going about 40 miles per hour right through the center of town," says Smithfield resident Damien Smith. "How are the cops supposed to catch maniacs like that if they're driving scooters?"

The new police car can reach speeds of up to 65 miles per hour. Though a major step forward for the police, it is still behind where the department used to be. We sat down with legendary Smithfield police officer Luigi, best known as the brother of video game character Mario.

"We used to have a Dodge Intrepid," said Officer Luigi (left). "But it got abducted by aliens a few years ago and they still haven't brought it back."

A warrant was issued for the arrest of the aliens, but police haven't been able to come across any leads to the aliens' whereabouts. The car (below) mysteriously disappeared a few years ago, and even landed a spot on popular tv show 'Unsolved Mysteries'. The case remained open for a few more months until sheriff Fred Abdalla solved it.

"The car just vanished one night," Abdalla said in a 2007 interview. "That was the same night that Donna Jackson told me she saw a UFO in Dillonvale. Does that sound like a coincidence?"

Despite the outstanding warrant and reward for the missing cruiser, chief Bobson told us that the department is looking forward to moving on.

"We just bought a new car," Bobson said. "We'd like to forget about the old one and forgive the aliens if they do come back."

The city council ordered the car off of ebay.com, after seeing the vehicle for sale from Mumbai. Here are some specifications taken directly from the ebay listing:

• Car good, really good car
• Car fast, really fast
• Car American
• Fast shipping, really fast shipping

"I don't know about the 'fast shipping' part," said Bobson. "When we called and asked whether it would be shipped via UPS or FedEx, they just said they were putting it on a raft and paddling it to the coast."

WTOV9 Renewed For 5 More Seasons

STEUBENVILLE - Viewers of the valley's own daytime drama won't have to speculate what happens after last season's cliffhanger ending for much longer. NBC revealed today that WTOV 9, also known as 'News 9', has been renewed for 5 more seasons. Last season ended with series star character Natalie Herbick waiting all alone to hear the verdict in the 'Johnson alimony' case.

"We're really excited to get back to work on the show," said script writer David Donahue. "The show's been running for so many years, but we've managed to keep it fresh."

The show surpassed The Guiding Light last year as the longest running daytime soap opera of all time. Donahue told reporters to expect the unexpected this upcoming season.

"We've got a lot of new elements being added in," he added. "All new plot twists, new characters, deception, romance. It'll really hit home."

Series producer Greg Hamilton told us that they're bringing in writers from other television shows to add to the change in flavor.

"We welcomed aboard Carlton Cuse from 'Lost', so expect some more supernatural themes," Hamilton told us. "We still have most of the same actors. Ian McDooglestein returns as Eric Minor, Reginald Raver is still Kevin Carter. Unfortunately we lost Clayton Upshaw in a tragic sewing accident, so we're proud to introduce Aaron Eckhart as Jeff Oechslein"

Among the new additions to the show are Gary Oldman as a repeat domestic violence offender, Henry Winkler as new anchor Arthur Fonzarelli, and Brian Collins as himself."

Collins will replace sports anchor Rob Metzger after actor Jerry Brown left the show citing 'creative differences'.

"Collins is a good kid," Hamilton stated. "He's got a lot of talent and will fit in well with the show."

For those of you who don't know who Brian Collins is, he made his television debut in 2005 as a sports anchor at Ball State University. Below is a clip of his character in the pilot episode. You can catch the new season starting June 13th at 3 o'clock eastern time.

FBI Brings An End to Leaky BA, the World's Largest Drug Ring

STEUBENVILLE - The FBI revealed in a press conference today that they have finally brought down Leaky BA, the world's largest system of meth labs. The raid was carried out FBI lead investigator Todd Harrison, simultaneously uncovering 13,493 meth labs in various homes across the valley. Leaky BA also used the homes as storage for an enormous amount of crack cocaine.

"It was a really clever operation," Harris told reporters. "They were hiding in plain sight you see. People would call Leaky BA whenever their basement walls would start leaking. Leaky BA would come in and fill the holes in the wall with cocaine."

After the holes in the walls were fixed, Leaky BA would drill in a different kind of hole.

"That's when they dug the tunnels," Harrison continued. "After the leaks were filled in, Leaky BA added on to their 300 mile long nexus of underground tunnels."

The tunnels connected all of the homes that Leaky BA serviced and found suitable areas to build hidden meth labs in each basement.

"None of the homeowners knew about what was going on in their very own homes," stated Harrison. "These guys were good at what they did, and they did it right. Up until now that is."

The FBI first got word of suspicious activity after the death of 'Kenny', as he was known to the valley. However, no records exist of Kenny's real name, birth, or even residence.

"He was a good man with a kind heart," says Sammy Samuelsonston, a Steubenville native. "He always gave a lot to the community. Lots of money, donations, and free meth."

'Kenny' tragically died sometime in the early 2000s. It was the change in management that ultimately led to the fall of the once flourishing empire.

"The donations stopped," says little league coach Don Hawkins. "The new managers bought mansions, hot rods, and hot chicks. They lived it up."

With Leaky BA gone, Steubenville mayor Domenick Mucci revealed a new nickname for the city at the celebratory rigatoni dinner.

"'The City of Murals' was getting old anyhow," said Mucci. "Steubenville will now be known as 'The Meth Free City."