Local Towns Consolidate For Some Reason

STEUBENVILLE - It was an exciting day for the Valley as five different towns in Jefferson County consolidated to form two new towns. In southern Jefferson County, Rayland, Tiltonsville, and Yorkville merged together to officially be known as YTR. The other new town is a combination of Empire and Stratton, which will be known as The Stratton Empire. While the residents of YTR will hold a new election to determine a mayor, The Stratton Empire will function as a monarchy. The king, King Cletus MDCXIV, will take up residence in Stratton Castle (above), where the town will also function. The king gave a speech to his peasants after his coronation this afternoon.

"Hey ya'll we're one place now," the king exclaimed. "We ain't going to have no problems no more with whatever we had problems with, y'know, because we hold these truths to be self evidence and all!"

After his speech, King Cletus let us past the Royal Guards for an interview.

"Well before we got to be a kingdom we were two places," the king told us. "My sister Mary-Lou lived over there in Empire, and my brother Cletus (now Prince Cletus) lived there too. And my pa, who's another Cletus like my brother and me, he lived over there in that outhouse. But anyhow, everyone thought we were from different places, even though my sister Lorna's my neighbor. So, we thought hell with it!"

Meanwhile, the new town of YTR was having a celebration at Buckeye Local's WWII Memorial Stadium.

"We're awfully proud to host the grand opening of YTR today," said mayor-elect Ralph Custer. "We put up new road signs today (right). There's plenty of free rigatoni for everyone, and we brought 'Kurt James Fun and Games' for the kids."

Unfortunately, bringing in 'Kurt James Fun Games' turned out to be bad plan for the festivities, as the town was quickly overrun by thousands of local children wanting to play on the inflatable activities.

"The kids' parents ate all the rigatoni," Custer told us later. "So we had to shut the party down early before people got angry."