Construction Finishes on Brilliant's First Skyscraper

BRILLIANT - Residents of Brilliant, Ohio welcomed a new building to the town today. The Grand Opening of Burj Brilliant drew in hundreds of people from across the valley. Since Brilliant is actually an unincorporated area and not a real town, it has no mayor. Instead, we contacted Roy Persh, the head of the American Legion, which is the de facto leader of a town.

"It was a great day for the people of Brilliant," said Persh. "We had a big ceremony, everyone was there. Then we had a rigatoni dinner. Rigatoni dinners are a big thing around here."

The building stands at a whopping 2,718 feet, and is an exact replica of Burj Khalifa in Dubai. It has also surpassed that same building as the tallest building in the entire world.

The original name for the building was to be 'Burj Khalifa II', but was changed at the townspeople's behest.

"We didn't want anybody to think that Wiz Khalifa lived there," said Brilliant resident Michael Shearmont.

Persh told our reporters that the building will help get Brilliant on the map.

"We're proud to finally have a recognizable site in our town," Persh explained. "We have the Cardinal Plant, but tourists think it's just another steel mill."

The Cardinal Plant that Persh mentions supplies power to much of the Valley, but with the opening of the tower the power plant will now exclusively provide electricity to Burj Brilliant.

"We don't really even need electricity for the houses anymore," said resident Buster Douglas. "We're going to live inside the tower now."

Burj Brilliant has 177 floors, all of which are being used to house Brilliant's entire population.

"There's plenty of space for everyone," Persh mentioned. "Even though the entire town has moved inside, we've only filled up about half of the apartments in it."

Despite all the attention that the town is receiving, there are still some people who were opposed to the building's construction.

"I hate the stupid thing," says Fred Driscoll. "I live in Rush Run and I can see that thing up over all the hills. You can't even take a picture of the town and get the whole thing in the frame."

"It's terrible," says Brilliant resident Amanda Crewson. "It casts a great big shadow over my house and so it's always dark. Plus I don't have electricity because of it. I don't want to move there either so I guess I'll just move to Smithfield or something."

Despite the minor objections, construction continued on unchallenged. The only problem concerning the tower is filling up the empty space.

"The doors are open to anyone who wants to live here," says Persh.

Brilliant offered up a special invitation to the people in the nearby town of Mingo Junction to move in as well. If they accept, Mingo Junction itself would effectively disappear from existence.

"Nobody wants that town anyhow," stated Persh.