Snowbird Arrested on Child Molestation Charges

STEUBENVILLE - "Ladies and gentlemen, we got him." These words will forever echo in the halls of the Jefferson County Jail. They were spoken by none other than Sheriff Fred Abdalla, after his department brought in the highest profile child molestation suspect of our time. Snowbird, the infamous pseudo-penguin, was arrested late tonight after he was accused of molesting hundreds of children and raping many elderly people in the Ohio Valley from as early as 1987. He was detained by a sheriff's deputy who spotted Snowbird's vehicle heading north on State Route 7 just south of Steubenville. He was also charged with a count of DUI. When word of the capture broke, the sheriff's department called together a sudden press conference, where the news was made official.

"We have been after him for many years," Abdalla told reporters. "He knew it too, and that had helped him evade us for so long."

The sheriff then showed the media a slideshow and timeline of events using a state-of-the art version of Microsoft PowerPoint. The presentation showed us the unparalleled tactics that the bird used to separate children from their parents.

"He knew how to get kids all alone," said Abdalla. "He would first cancel school so the children would have to stay home. Then, he would wait for both parents to go to work. Sometimes he would stake out a few houses and then cancel school the next day as well, just so he could be sure the area was secure enough for him to get away."

This strategy worked for many years, as Snowbird was a master of keeping the children from telling their parents.

"He told me that if I told my parents, we would never have a snow day again," said Tyler Spokes, a 1996 graduate of Union Local High School who attended the conference. "It worked; don't think any different of me. I was eleven years old. What eleven year old wants to go to school?"

The sheriff's department grew suspicious of Snowbird when he moved from cancelling schools to shutting down other things as well.

"He got greedy," said Abdalla. "He began to cancel things like 'Belmont Senior Services', saying that there would be no meal deliveries for that day. In fact, Snowbird would show up with the meals. It was then that he went on his spree of raping old people."

Snowbird used the same tactic on the elderly, saying that if word got out, the meal deliveries would cease. This proved successful at first, because most of the Valley was oblivious to Snowbird's actions as they would wait for their school district to show up on the never ending 'Snowbird Report'.

"It was getting pretty ridiculous," said Kelly Donacelli, a mother whose children attend Brooke County Schools. "There were literally hundreds of schools and services on the list. We were glued to the t.v. for hours!"

The plan eventually backfired when people began to question why there were so many cancellations in the first place. Evidence also began to stack up after the children would graduate and not worry about school cancellations. Most were coy, while others' stories were dismissed as hoaxes. Still, suspicion built. It was only until yesterday when a major slip up by Snowbird occurred.

"Yesterday, he cancelled a Beatles Concert in Wheeling, a flight from Adena to Margaritaville, and Shadyside Local Schools," Abdalla announced. "We knew he was drunk because Shadyside is on summer vacation. So we called him up on his cell phone and asked him if he'd ever molested children. He told us he did, and also told us about the elderly people as well. That's when we tracked him down."

The arrest was met with intense protest from preteens on Myspace. The vast majority exclaiming their distaste on never having a snow day again. However, there were some people who had a different take on the situation. Indian Creek superintendent Mark Furda posted a tweet on twitter:

"Who the hell is Snowbird?"