Steubenville Terrorizes Citizens to Prepare for Halloween

STEUBENVILLE - Mayor Domenick Mucci told reporters that the nuclear bomb that went off earlier today was detonated by the fire department as part of the city's "Scare the 'S' out of Steubenville Week". The bomb exploded inside Belleview Park at noon, sending the entire town into a frenzy. Schools sent home students early and businesses shut down, fearing a terrorist invasion. Mucci says that the madness was worth the hassle.

"It was just marvelous," he said as he clapped his hands and hopped on his feet. "We've been having so much fun this week; I can't wait to show you guys what we have planned for tomorrow!"

The city council has been staging various crimes this week to create mass hysteria in the build up to this year's Halloween festivities. Two stabbings have already taken since Sunday, and Mucci says that things are just getting started.

"Tomorrow, we're going to send out undercover police officers to kidnap children on their way to school," Mucci (pictured left) said with a grin. "Imagine how terrified the kids are going to be! And the parents! It's going to be hilarious!"

So far, public reception of the charade has been overwhelmingly positive. Parents have said it makes their boring lives in small town Ohio that much more fun.

"I was crying like a little baby when I went to go pick up my 5-year old from school," said Debby Nardo, whose daughter attends Pugliese Elementary School. "I didn't know whether she was alive or dead. Then the news broke that the bomb was a joke and I couldn't help but laugh."

Critics, however, say that the city may be subject to liability lawsuits in the death of 38-year-old Martin Douglas, who was stabbed in a back alley by local volunteers.

"Yeah, the family's pretty upset with me right now," Mucci said. "But it's all in jest. One day they'll look back at this and laugh."

US Rt. 22 Will Add Loop-the-Loop

WEIRTON - In an effort to make commutes to Pittsburgh more amusing, the US Department of Transportation has said that it will begin remodeling US Rt. 22 between Weirton and Pittsburgh. The highway will now feature a variety of twists and turns resembling roller coasters. Officials say that boredom has caused drivers to fall asleep at the wheel, leading to hundreds of millions of deaths last week in West Virginia alone. DOT spokesman Randy Smith says that the move will make the highway much safer.

"The vertical loop and helix turns will force drivers to pay more attention to the road," said Smith. "It also makes it a heck of a lot more fun to drive to Pittsburgh now."

The 110-foot loop-the-loop will be the first addition to open, and will take approximately 34 years to build.

"We're trying to set the bar high for road construction times," said Smith. "The faster we get this done, the better."

Also, in order to safely make it through the loop without falling from the top, the speed limit has been increased from 65 mph to 475 mph. Additionally, a speed minimum has also been added at 350 mph.

"Truck drivers will really like what we've done for them," said Smith. "We tried really hard to see if tractor trailers would be able make it trough but it always ended in catastrophe. So to compensate, we'll also be building a ramp where drivers can jump over a 50-foot wide canyon."

When asked if the new truck ramp will be open to normal traffic in the case of some drivers perhaps being too scared to try the loop, Smith sounded indifferent.

"Well I suppose they could. But why wouldn't you want to try it?"