My Little Pony Painted Over Dean Martin Mural Sparks Outrage

STEUBENVILLE - Hundreds of college students gathered on Hollywood Boulevard today to protest a new mural in Steubenville. The target of the outrage is a painting of the popular children's show My Little Pony that replaced the image of Steubenville native Dean Martin. The mural's painter, Randy Weaver, said that the artwork was meant to signal a changing of the times.

"Our little corner of the world has been stuck in the past for a long time," Weaver said. "We sort of felt that it was time to move on. Dean Martin is the past, My Little Pony is the now."

However, some students at Franciscan University felt otherwise.

"Dean Martin is still very relevant in our culture," said James Ellison, a computer science major. "That's Amore is basically the theme song of my life."

The students were joined by a small number of older Steubenville residents as well, albeit for slightly different reasons.

"They absolutely messed up Baby Heart Throb's mane," said longtime Steubenville resident David Stone. "Look at the colors they used. It's a disgrace to My Little Pony."

The change in artwork was largely supported around town, despite the fierce opposition from the younger age group.

"College kids will protest literally anything," said Dave Koresh, a local cat behavior consultant. "Last week those kids were protesting the Steubenville Cat Festival because of the dander cloud that blocked out the sun."

Koresh said that he enjoys the new theme, and hopes to see more murals like it.

"Honestly, it's a masterpiece," he said. "I hope the Market Street mural goes next. We've been trying to get Garfield painted over it since I was young."

Linsly School Ditches Education for "Cognition Implants"

WHEELING -- Officials at The Linsly School have announced that classes will no longer be taught at the school beginning next year. For the 2016-17 school year, each student will undergo surgery to install a "cognition implant" (pictured right) directly on their frontal lobes.

"It's something we've been secretly testing on students for a long time," said headmaster Justin Zimmerman. "After many, many failures we finally made a breakthrough."

The implants are repurposed Intel central-processing units that will aid the brain when thinking about complex problems such as advanced rigatoni recipes.

"The problem we had to overcome had to do with compatibility," Zimmerman said. "We were using AMD CPUs at first. They're simply not expensive enough. When we made the switch to Intel, everything just clicked."

The surgery will cost students approximately $100,000. After the operation, the student instantly receives a high-school diploma. The current cost of a four-year Linsly high-school diploma is $64,560 for non-boarding students. Boarding students pay $133,560.

"The price is quite reasonable considering our current cost of attendance," Zimmerman said. "Considering that students will now save four years of their lives, it's actually a better deal."

Ohio Valley News Purchased by Brad Paisley

OVN HEADQUARTERS -- After over 100 years of independently bringing the worst news to the Wheeling-Steubenville area, Ohio Valley News has been bought out by BNN, the Brad Paisley News Network.

BNN has provided the world with quality news for nearly two weeks. Stuff in the News with Brad Paisley has been a trusted source in the media world for the network's entire existence.

Another quality program offered by BNN is Do-Rags & Red Flags, with LL Cool J, an inspirational news channel bringing together the diverse races across the Valley.

Ohio Valley News will continue to bring you the best fake news in the future, the only difference is that from now on, all featured articles will be written, edited and produced by Brad Paisley himself. The current OVN staff will stay on the payroll, but our role has been reduced to playing Twister for Mr. Paisley's amusement.

Paisley, a Valley native, understands the culture of our small part of the world. We're very excited to see what he'll contribute to this organization. We hope that our readers will stay loyal and remember: NOTHING CAN REPLACE BRAD.

AEP Introduces TV Network

COLUMBUS, Ohio -- A spokesperson for American Electric Power said that the Ohio Valley can expect to receive programming from AEPTV, a new TV network that will provide a new form of entertainment to local homes.

"It was sort of inspired by 'Big Brother'," said Sheila Wodolosovosovich, spokesperson for AEP Ohio. "It puts live CCTV footage from our power plants right into your living room!"

Wodolosovosovich said that while surveillance footage is normally incredibly boring, AEPTV will offer tense action and gripping storylines.

"There's a ton of drama in our plants," she said. "You get to witness our employees try to avoid fatal accidents, explosions and structural failures."

The network's lineup includes a large collection of children's shows as well, which the company hopes will help kids cope with everyday issues.

"In one show there's an episode where we teach kids about eminent domain," said Nick Akins, CEO of AEP. "Hopefully it will explain to kids why their grandfather won't stop crying. We have to tear down the house that he built with his bare hands if we want power lines to reach the new shopping mall in town."

In a cartoon titled Alfie the AEP Alligator, the title character explains to AEP children the concept of divorce by violently devouring people.

"An alligator has to eat in order to survive," Akins said. "In the same spirit, we need our employees to spend their time at work, not at home, if we are to provide sufficient power to the buckeye state."

Mech Horses Provide Woodsfield's Amish With Unprecedented Speed

WOODSFIELD -- Following complaints from drivers about their slow speed on local roadways, several Amish citizens of Monroe County have begun using mechanized horses to pull their buggies. The new robots will allow the buggies to reach speeds of up to 93 miles per hour, and accelerate to 60 mph in 3.7 seconds.

Sheriff Charles Black said the change is welcome, and will save the Monroe County Sheriff's office and the State Highway patrol nearly $250 in ammunition.

"Normally we shoot the Amish to put car drivers out of their misery," Black said. "Now we can put that money to much better use. Monroe Central's computers haven't updated Adobe Flash Player in six years, so we can allocate that money towards an IT specialist."

Jamal Yoder, a resident of Graysville, said that while the mech horses make travelling easier, he and his family have yet to learn how to adapt to their new free time.

"The trip to Riesbeck's used to take hours," Yoder said. "It only takes me ten minutes with my new steam horse. So we're thinking about travelling and seeing the grand cities of the world. We may even make it as far as Wheeling if we're lucky."

The horses are built by Can-Am, and feature a revolutionary GPS system that allows the horses to navigate Monroe County. The GPS system has come under fire from local residents due a minor design flaw.

"They play that song 'Turning Japanese' very loudly wherever they go," said Norris West of Sardis. "But Can-Am said that's the only way the horses will operate. I don't know how that works, but if it keeps the real horses off the road it works for me."

The horse speed is controlled by a volume knob on the dashboard of the buggy. The louder the song plays, the faster the horse runs.