Linsly School Ditches Education for "Cognition Implants"

WHEELING -- Officials at The Linsly School have announced that classes will no longer be taught at the school beginning next year. For the 2016-17 school year, each student will undergo surgery to install a "cognition implant" (pictured right) directly on their frontal lobes.

"It's something we've been secretly testing on students for a long time," said headmaster Justin Zimmerman. "After many, many failures we finally made a breakthrough."

The implants are repurposed Intel central-processing units that will aid the brain when thinking about complex problems such as advanced rigatoni recipes.

"The problem we had to overcome had to do with compatibility," Zimmerman said. "We were using AMD CPUs at first. They're simply not expensive enough. When we made the switch to Intel, everything just clicked."

The surgery will cost students approximately $100,000. After the operation, the student instantly receives a high-school diploma. The current cost of a four-year Linsly high-school diploma is $64,560 for non-boarding students. Boarding students pay $133,560.

"The price is quite reasonable considering our current cost of attendance," Zimmerman said. "Considering that students will now save four years of their lives, it's actually a better deal."