Steubenville Passes New Rape Exemption Law

STEUBENVILLE - In a historic day for bi-party relations, Steubenville officials from both the Republican and Democratic parties unanimously passed a new city ordinance that allows certain people to be exempt from Ohio Revised Code section 2907.02, which bans rape. Mayor Domenick Mucci (right), has championed this law from the beginning. He received praise from the city of Steubenville after passing a law that allows intoxicated driving within city limits just days after being arrested for the same crime last year. The move won him a new term with 99.9 percent of the vote in an election that saw more voters than there are people in Steubenville. The new rape exemption law seemingly seals his campaign in the next election.

In August, at least two members of the Steubenville Big Red football team raped a 16 year-old girl. The charges against the two football players were later dropped as Big Red coach Reno Saccoccia came to the rescue by paying off the court.

"Raping is how we've managed to be so successful," said Saccoccia, who will receive the Jerry Sandusky Award for Bravery. "It gets the players' testosterone levels up so it's sort of a natural way to do steroids."

Big Red's booster website rollredroll.com was recently hacked into by a terrorist group calling themselves Anonymous. Anonymous is an anti-rape extremist group and tries to force its anti-rape ways onto the public. A statement made on the team's website by webmaster Jim Parks called out the group, calling the allegations 'slanderous and libelous'.

"This group, these terrorists are trying to break a tradition that we've held dear for years in Steubenville," Parks told us as he choked back tears. "When I played for Big Red, I raped at least three students before each game."

Anonymous is also reportedly offended by Mr. Parks' vast collection of child pornography discovered in his e-mail account.

"We can't let this happen again," said Saccoccia, who always puts the well being of the community first. "We've come together as a team and we got this law passed. Now all that's left to do is go out there and win another championship."

The new law allows members of the Steubenville Big Red athletic teams to rape whomever they want to as long as they are intoxicated with alcohol or the school-supplied roofies. Steubenville Catholic Central players will not be permitted to rape people because they are a private school. Bestiality is also permitted to football players as long as the animal involved is a chicken weighing over 4 pounds.

"Chickens are a good substitute for people," said coach Saccoccia. "They have a cloaca, which is sort of like an anus and a vagina mixed together so it adds a whole new dynamic to our game plan."

Pictured right: a cloaca

Carrollton Cancels Game, Creek Plays Anyhow

WINTERSVILLE - Strong defense and proper execution has been a point of emphasis for Indian Creek this season. George Brown scored 87 points last night as he lead the Redskins past the Carrollton Warriors 231-0. All five of Creek's starters had career highs in a less than stellar performance from the Carrollton defense. As seen in the image to the right, (taken with our brand new high-def camera) the Redskins basically played with an open court. The nightmare started early for the Warriors; Fred Smith caught the opening tip and scored a quick layup on the fast break. Carrollton then turned the ball over following a 10-second violation after failing to inbound the ball.

"I'm really proud of the way we played tonight," Indian Creek head coach Joe Dunlevy said. "We played solid defense out there and put up a lot of points."

The treacherous snow storms prevented the Carrollton team from showing up, but that setback did not stop the Redskins, who shot a blistering 94 percent from the field. Carrollton's Roy Hamilton, who averages a respectable 17 points a game, had his worst showing of the season as he put up zero points and zero assists.

"Are you kidding me?" was all Carrollton head coach Matt Voll had to say in a phone interview before hanging up.

On a more positive note, the Warriors did not foul the Redskins once all night, which is something they can build upon. A few parents interviewed on both sides were unhappy that their children did not get to play.

"My son didn't even get to play tonight," said Nancy Levinson. "He never gets in, it's all because he doesn't have the right last name." Her son Earl averages 1 minute a game. The 5 foot 4, 426 pound point guard has not put up a single point in practice all season.

Some Carrollton parents who made the trek through the snow said that they were disappointed in coach Voll's decision to sit the entire team. They also called out Creek coach Dunlevy for running up the score. Up 208-0 with 4 minutes to play, Dunlevy told his bench that they would not see the floor as he signaled to run the fast break offense.

"We play whole game," said Dunlevy. "No excuses. We play until that buzzer rings."

With just a half second left on the clock, the Redskins called timeout and drew up a play. The ball was thrown in to Ned West who hit a three as time expired. The Indian Creek students stormed the court as the players dumped the Gatorade on their coach. They then carried him off the court in a scene where the magic could only be described as cinematic.